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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you lot to give me a good talking to!

31 replies

Timeforanamechangey · 14/10/2015 12:15

DP and I broke up a few days ago.

We live together and at the moment we are still living in the same house till I can move into the new place I have lined up.

We discussed this and we both feel it would be for the best, although it is vastly cheaper for us to carry on living together, if either of us want to move on to another relationship it will be too difficult to stay living together so we think it's best to just cut ties now.

We still want to stay friends and have mutual friends, we will still be living fairly close to each other so will probably still see each other on occasion.

But now ex dp has messaged me saying he doesn't want me to move out (I was supposed to put my deposit down today) and I don't know what to do. I think deep down I know I shouldn't stay here, it'll make it too hard for us to make a clean break and I couldn't bear it if he started seeing other people and I was still living there.

I don't know why he is saying this now. I know it's hard for us to let go of each other but we had good reasons for breaking up (no cheating or other nefarious problems).

Does he want to have his cake and eat it? Why else would he say this? I'm so confused and upset. Aibu to ask for some help in woman-ing up?

OP posts:

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 14/10/2015 12:18

Move out.

It's what you want. What you planned. What you need.

You can still be friends. But right now space is what you need.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 14/10/2015 12:20

And you've just used the word 'nefarious' casually in a sentence.

You're clearly a bad-ass!!

MySordidCakeSecret · 14/10/2015 12:20

are you still sleeping together?

PurpleDaisies · 14/10/2015 12:20

Move out!

If you don't it will be so much more difficult to move on. You have to go.

It is probably hitting home that you are actually splitting up which is why he's sent the message. If you don't want to get back together there is only one thing to do. Pack your bags and leave. Get going now!

ChipInTheSugar · 14/10/2015 12:22

If you're not in a relationship with him, then move out. It will still go through you like a knife if/when he does 'move on' - it would be hellish for you (and tbf the woman he starts dating!) if you're still under the same roof.

hellBellsJingleBalls · 14/10/2015 12:23

Move the hell out of that house!

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 14/10/2015 12:26

He's panicking because he's realised it's final. Think back to the reasons you've split, and move out.

coffeeisnectar · 14/10/2015 12:36

Move out. He's probably thinking that he will have to cook and clean for himself and wants you to stay until he has a new person to "share" these chores with.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 14/10/2015 12:43

Move out.

You can always move back in if you get back together, but at least there's no expectations of sex and you doing his laundry of you are stil in the same house.

CainInThePunting · 14/10/2015 12:45

Move out. If you are renting and decide to make another go of it then you can give notice and move back in but you need the space to know if that's the right thing for both of you.

Original poster

Timeforanamechangey · 14/10/2015 12:48

Yes, we have done sordid :/ We both know we shouldn't but..well..we find it hard not to.

He's saying he won't start dating until at least next year but I just don't know if that is realistic. I know what he's like and he will get lonely.

I'm worried neither of us will be able to move on if we are still living under the same roof.

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 14/10/2015 12:51

If you don't see a future then why stay?

Just go. He does not know when Mrs right will pop into his life and I'll be damned if he pushes her away due to a promise he made to you regarding dating deadlines!

Wise up and ship out.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 14/10/2015 12:52

Of course you won't move on if you're living under the same roof. You'll carry on having sex and essentially it will be like you never split.

GummyBunting · 14/10/2015 13:00

I was in the exact same position as you. We stayed living together for about 3 months after we broke up. We kidded ourselves that it was because neither of us could afford to move out but really, we could if we tried.

It made it SO MUCH HARDER to move on. Actually, we didn't move on. He eventually started sleeping back in the main bed (no sex weirdly, just comfort I think) and it really just kept us in a limbo.

I should have moved out, and if I wanted to see if there was anything left, we should have dated like a new couple, and took our time. There's no reason you can't move back but if you don't leave in the first place... the relationship is doomed because it has no room to breathe or develop. It just implodes and won't end nicely for anyone.

You can't move on, you can't objectively work on things, it's just a horrible situation to be in.

Move out. Please. I can't say it enough.

G1veMeStrength · 14/10/2015 13:06

FFS OF COURSE YOU SHOULD MOVE OUT

You have split up. Traditionally this means no more sex and no more living together.

Or you could get back together.

But a crappy limbo of neither one nor the other will drive you into despair.

I'm assuming no DC involved and you haven't been together that long?

Original poster

Timeforanamechangey · 14/10/2015 13:18

We have been sleeping in the same bed too gummy! Glad it's not just me. I did move into the spare room last night though and not lying next to him was just awful :(

Arrrg I know you're right I just need to pull myself together.

No DC's and together about 2yrs.

OP posts:

Helloitsme15 · 14/10/2015 13:19

MOVE OUT!!!!

G1veMeStrength · 14/10/2015 13:20

It's like pulling a plaster off. JUST DO IT.

(I promise it will get better. Once you do it you can have )

ouryve · 14/10/2015 13:27

You need to move out and move on.

And no silly promises about timelines for starting a new relationship. You're no longer a couple and you don't owe each other anything in terms of waiting. Moving on needs to be at your own pace, whether that involves a brief, fun rebound relationship, casual sex, or staying single and celibate for the next 5 years. You need to ignore any promises he makes in that respect and not tell him of your intentions because you will not be severing ties with him if you engage in this.

And buy a hot water bottle. Re-discover the joy of sleeping like a starfish. Do comforting new things for you and not in memory of him.

Dowser · 14/10/2015 13:36

Move out. No ifs or buts.

Toooldtobearsed · 14/10/2015 13:45

Do you want to break up?

If the answer is yes, then go, and go now. But sometimes it takes a shock like this to make people realise that a situation has gotten out of hand and they both bitterly regret it.

Gottagetmoving · 14/10/2015 13:53

It doesn't sound to me like either of you want to break up.
If you did - He would want you to go and you would not be hesitating.

Axekick · 14/10/2015 14:01

If you aren't going to actually get back together, you need to move out

HellKitty · 14/10/2015 14:03

Move out now, while you still like each other.

Dogzeyes · 14/10/2015 14:12

You have two choices:

stay living together as a couple and work out your issues
break up and move out

If you break up its none of your business if he starts dating someone next week or next year (sorry to be blunt!)

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