Iabu but need advice on how not to be...inlaws

[Bupbupbup]

Inlaws are coming to stay for 5 days, they are nice enough, they adore ds1 & ds2 but I find myself being unreasonable in how I think of them.

Both my parents were v sick a few years ago and at the time we were living quite close to inlaws. I live abroad so had to make a few trips home. Inlaws said no when we asked for help taking care of boys...even though they weren't doing anything else, they just said they didn't want to - even to pick them up/ drop off at childcare.
Never asked how my parents were and wanted to be at ours all the time I was home.

Anyway, parents are better and we no longer live near them so they come visit. I find myself getting so irritated by them, small things like them going to the fridge and taking something or changing the channel without asking drives me mad!

I know that's unreasonable and I never say anything, try to be pleasant but they must know sometimes.

Any tips on remaining detached, getting over my resentment?

Just sympathy from me, I'm afraid. My parents are also abroad, and the only time we've ever asked for a tiny bit of help from my in-laws (we were truly desperate) it was a flat no. Didn't want to.

Funnily enough, when one of them was unwell DH was expected to be at their beck and call.

It's of course your in-laws' right to say they don't want to help, or to demonstrate they don't really give a shit about you or how you're dealing with a difficult situation.

It's yours to feel unhappy about it, particularly when you'd be unlikely to have friends to stay who'd been so thoughtless and disregarding of your needs and feelings.

They weren't particularly pleasant to you - why should you be a doormat? If they change the channel, speak up: 'sorry, FIL, I was watching that. Can you watch this on iplayer later?'

Is gin an option?

Keep the remote control shoved down your side of the sofa for starters.

Thanks jassyradlett i do speak up, maybe too much which is why I need some strategies to detach and ignore. They get on my wick so much even when they're not doing anything and I don't want my boys to pick up on it.

Some resentment comes from the fact that my parents can no longer travel and at the moment we can't move home so I wish it was then here instead of inlaws lots of the time...I know that's awful!

Saucy's suggestion is better. And if they ask for it, just look blank and say 'why? We're watching this.'

They sound like the sort of people who want a relationship entirely on their terms. Which isn't really how relationships should work.

Some resentment comes from the fact that my parents can no longer travel and at the moment we can't move home so I wish it was then here instead of inlaws lots of the time...I know that's awful!

It's not awful! My parents are in great health and my mother visits once a year, and we go there once a year (24 hour flight).

When she's here, she picks up DS from nursery, takes him on outings and when he was ill during one visit came round to look after him so that we could both work (one of us from home, but it was still a godsend). She's supportive and interested in not just my life but DH's - they have a blast together.

My in laws? I don't really exist except as the woman who married their son and a breeding receptacle for (much-loved) grandchildren. They couldn't tell you about my interests, or my work, or much about me really.

On the upside for me, DH's parents have been to visit only 3 or 4 times in the last 5 years, because they think we should go to them instead. (There is no space for us in their house so we have to get a hotel.)

I can tell you who I'd rather spend time with, but moving home isn't an option for us either, unfortunately.

whatvthey did was very selfish. Try to be the bigger person and understand that they now come from a place of love for your children. (Hopefully)

YANBU. It still amazes me how many people are happy to take and take and not give anything back.

How does your DH feel about his parents?

Don't give them the option to say no.
As soon as they've taken their coats off say, 'it's lovely for you to look after the DCs, we'll see you on Tuesday.'

Or at least go out for a meal