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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU To offer help...?

16 replies

chelle792 · 14/10/2015 10:31

Friend has a new born, two weeks old. He is still on paternity and I know they are both finding things understandably hard work.

She spent a few days in hospital prior to birth and three days after. I took my friend over some dinners that he could reheat as and when he needed it.

We have been messaging this morning and they are struggling.

What can I do? How can I help? AIBU to even offer?

OP posts:

Junosmum · 14/10/2015 10:47

I think it would be nice to offer. I'd text back saying 'anything I can do to help? Shopping, cooking, hoovering?'

bilbodog · 14/10/2015 10:50

Difficult to know how much to get involved but more dinners to heat up easily shouldn't go amiss? Maybe some naice snacks to have with cups of tea to keep them going? You found also ask if they need any shopping doing when you are on your way over? Sounds like you are a good friend to have.

ConstanceMarkYaBitch · 14/10/2015 11:09

Buy him a cookbook, he should be making dinners for both of them. Even the most challenging newborn doesn't need two adults 24 hours a day.

Thurlow · 14/10/2015 11:16

Have they said what they are struggling with in particular?

Agree with asking about the shopping, but maybe also see if you can pop over and once there do a bit of housework for them? If you've had DC yourself you can always shrug off any awkwardness they have about you doing it with a cheerful "I know the one thing I needed when mine were babies was someone to do the washing up and wipe the kitchen down" etc - sort of dressing it up as doing what you'd think people would like help with, rather than making them think you've looked around the house and thought "crikey, what a mess!"?

Original poster

chelle792 · 14/10/2015 11:22

It's hard for me to know if I'm projecting as I lost my baby at 11 weeks not so long ago. We were planning on the babies growing up together.

I know he's up all night with baby but baby is also breast feeding, particularly at night. Not sure what's going on tbh but he said he's staying up all night so she can rest and has had about 5 hours sleep in three days.

I cant help for the minute as I've had a thanks but no thanks reply but I just feel I want to do more for them.

Their family aren't particularly local

OP posts:

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 14/10/2015 11:26

Pop over to watch the baby for a couple of hours so they can go back to bed? (I would've loved that).

Do a bit of washing/ironing?

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 14/10/2015 11:30

ah cross posted with you OP.

Sometimes just knowing you're at the end of the phone is enough, bit of moral support etc

you sound like a good friend

NotMyMonkey · 14/10/2015 11:35

Next time you are over there offer to watch the baby for an hour while they either catch up on some sleep or have a bath. They might be more willing to acccept that kind of help? I would love for someone to come and have mine while I had a nice long soak.

queenoftheboys · 14/10/2015 11:50

Take the baby for a walk so they can have a break?

Forestdreams · 14/10/2015 12:22

I'm very sorry for your loss.

If you are up to it, I think texting as per Juno's suggestion is good. You could also offer to take the baby for a long walk - they tend to sleep while on the move so it is an easy way for others to give the parents a break. But only if you are emotionally strong enough. Be kind to yourself too.

contractor6 · 14/10/2015 12:40

Speaking as someone with a 3 week old, I'd suggest taking round a casserole or similar to stick in oven, prefer one that can be eaten with one hand. If she's breastfeeding tale over muffins etc

Littlef00t · 14/10/2015 13:01

For me the thing that helped the most was meals and the friends who popped over to see dd and did the dishes while they were there!

DD was mostly just sleeping on DD or myself even at night at 2 weeks old, so we were exhausted as we were up in shifts with the baby.

It was the housework standards that slipped.

Beth2511 · 14/10/2015 14:31

A meal for them! Or a nice long walk as soon as baby has had a good feed. We found DD tendes to be reliably two hourly between 8am and 2pm so there was a window of opportunity there for a walk and a nap!

Original poster

chelle792 · 14/10/2015 14:37

It's tricky. They've said they will call when needed. I'll step away for now.

I wish I could help/they would accept help but it's not my business to impose

OP posts:

Original poster

chelle792 · 14/10/2015 14:44

I guess there is a fine dividing line between helping and interfering

OP posts:

Forestdreams · 14/10/2015 14:50

Don't forget, just having someone offer is really nice. You are a good friend to them just for offering.

Possibly they know it might be hard for you with having lost your baby, and they don't want to upset you. Possibly they don't need anything specific.

Nexttime you go to the supermarket, maybe text and see if they want anything from the shops. Or get one of those big christmassy boxes of choc biscuits round for them.

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