AIBU to end this friendship?

[ScarlettOHara8]

I think it's ended anyway!

Long story, but I don't want to dripfeed.
I work with a friend of mine. We met through work and became very good friends, have socialised a lot outside of work, introduced our partners to each other etc. We have both confided in each other a lot, and she is the only person other than my husband who knows about a very difficult time I went through earlier this year. She was very sympathetic at the time.

Now, the place where we work is not a nice place. In fact, it's been a completely toxic environment for a good few months now. I've really struggled, and it all came to a head two weeks ago. I went to my GP and went to pieces. I've been diagnosed with depression and my GP gave me ADs and signed me off work for two weeks. I'm going back to the GP today and although I feel a little stronger and I am still totally anxiety ridden about going back to work. (As it's got closer I've not been able to sleep and have been panicking about it).

Now that you know the back story, what is REALLY upsetting me is that this 'friend' has not been in touch, at all. Not even a text. A few other people from work have dropped me a wee message just to say they are thinking of me, and that has been so appreciated. I have responded to thank them too.

WIBU to completely cut her out of my life? I cannot believe she could do this. Obviously her job is more important to her than her friends. It's really upset me, at a time where obviously I could do without this.

Also my husband saw her DP at a sporting event last week and he did not acknowledge or mention me at all. My DH will be seeing her DP again this week- I know he doesn't want it to be awkward but part of me wants him to say 'you know, ScarlettOHara8 is really upset that yourpartner hasn't been in touch at all' but to be honest I don't know what that will achieve.

I should mention I did text her last week to reach out and she ignored it. It's over isn't it?

It just really,really hurts.

I think you're overreacting. The blame is 50-50. You could have contacted her, just as she could have contacted you. Two weeks is a very short length of time.

You're much better of just picking up the phone and chatting to her instead of dwelling on the fact that you're hard done by

Call her. Arrange to meet up for a coffee. She may of just forgot to reply to you - or forgot to press send - I have done that before (doh).

Don't beat yourself up OP you have nothing to worry about.

Yes, Mini she is very hard done by. She has a very serious illness, depression.
It certainly proves that even in the 21st century a lot of people are still very unsympathetic towards MH.

Scarlett......Woah! Time to put the breaks on in your thinking processes. Stop! Take a step back, and breathe deeply. I'm like you, but have learned that there's always a reason for situations we face. We think too fast, and other people's worlds we revovle around doesn't go at the pace we experience. Maybe she is being inconsiderate. But if she's been a good friend to date please at least give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you going off sick was the last straw for her, and shes using all her strength to just survive. As to each other's OH. men don't rationalise the way we do. Take your time. Take care.

I see where you are coming from but don't give up until it reaches the point of no return. Take a walk out today, or tomorrow, go to a nice card shop and get one of those pretty, blank inside, cards and drop her a line. Tell her you miss her, remind her of something you did together that you both remember really fondly (get the emotional link back) and say she's always welcome to pop in for a natter (if practical that is). Then see how it goes.
I hope it all works out for you both, good friends are important and I can see you miss her.

I can understand you being upset but perhaps your friend has some problems of her own and does not have the time for you just now?
She may even not want to burden you at a time you are not ok.
If I were you I would find out more before you cut her off.

yabu
you're not only seriously overreacting (2 weeks!) but you may be putting her in a very difficult position if you want to communicate about work issues and she is still there, and you are currently unable to be - you don't know what's going on for her, in reality - so please stop - she's a colleague, she'll be there again, don't overreact it's not a proportionate response

I can understand why you are upset, but there is probably a reasonable explanation for her silence. Give her the benefit of the doubt. I do hope you get well soon.

After I had my ds, when I was still on ML I remember a feeling a lot like you describe, I had a few keep in touch days and going into to work just made me feel more on the outside because things had changed in my absence, so had the atmosphire in the office, I was dreading going back properly. I really remember if I text someone and they didn't reply that day or if I tried to call someone and they didn't get back to me I was taking it very personally, I don't know why, I felt like I was irritating or something, like people didn't want me around.
In hindsight I was isolated and they were still working and getting caught up in things, what was a long time for me was flying for everyone else, it's easy to think I'll call her at the weekend, or we must catch up without enough regard for how it might be more important to the person not there.
I don't think you are being unreasonable or selfish to feel the way you do, but I think it would be a good idea not to act on it. As others have said maybe you are just not ready to go back.

If you have depression, and I am sorry to hear that as it is a mean thing, and have ADs chances are you are not thinking as rationally as you could without depression/ADs... ADs take time to have effect and depending on how you interact with them, depends on your ups and downs.

I would be feeling lonely and miserable and sorry for myself and I would also be thinking no-one wants to spend time with me ('because I am depressed') and become a bit insular without company. This is all natural but I think for the sake of the friendship, you need to let go of it a bit. Of course your friend wants to be with you, and is probably unaware you feel this way and panicked about the friendship. I would suggest trying again with an old fashioned phone-call where you can chat. Maybe try to be strong and say, "I don't know whether it is just how I am feeling or whether I can sense you are being a bit cold towards me at the moment... have I done something to upset you?" surely a good friend would quickly reassure you and tell you what is going on, or explain why she is upset. Then you are able to make more informed decisions. But at the moment you are trying to make decisions based on speculation that may or may not be tainted by the depression and or medication.

Take time... fill your mind with positive things and try to ignore the negatives until you are back on an even keel again. Quite often in times of illness and bereavement the people closest to us are the ones who disappoint us as we have much higher expectations of them, and they are more deeply effected by us not being our jolly selves, but they are only human too and may have things going on in their lives... most people do. I am sure as soon as she can she will be with you giving you support and meanwhile be grateful for the other support and love shown and hold onto it.

Nothing to add to the sympathetic but brisk YABU advice so far, but just wanted to add that I wouldn't see anything odd in her DH not mentioning or asking after you when he met yours. You're her friend and colleague, after all, and she may feel you don't want the 'news' that you're signed off with depression spread around, so she may not have told her husband. Or she may have, but he may have felt it would be inappropriate or seem gossipy to bring it up.

Why leap to the conclusion of her no longer being interested and ending the friendship? Phone her. There are lots of possible reasons which exonerate her from 'bad friend' status, and if she's previously supported you through a bad time, don't you owe her the benefit of the doubt, rather than get angry because she's not supporting you again?

Op it can be hard to know whats best to say to a friend going through depression. If your friend hAs had depression before she might be concerned it be triggered off again or simply doesnt want to say the wrong thing. Please look after yourself and dont judge anyone re contacting you.

I think when you're going through something that is so major in your life, it's easy to forget that others have their own crosses to bear. I completely understand why you are offended and you might be right and she might be ignoring you in which case that will become clear and you can then downgrade your friendship. But, there might be other reasons as others have said.
Ask her to come over for a coffee before you go back to work to fill you in on all the latest. See how she responds. Take it from there. Good luck with your recovery.

OP is there a chance your work have told people to not contact you whilst off sick? When off with anxiety (workplace bullyng issues so I know about toxic workplaces) I had constant whining phone calls from colleagues until my doctor added no contact under any circumstances to the certificate. I had a really good friend there who was clearly embarrassed when I called her at home for chats occassionally. It passed and we are still in touch 12 years later.