Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To ask how you would help this friend?

18 replies

Helloitsme15 · 13/10/2015 10:17

My friend lost a sibling to cancer a few months ago. She has been supporting the bereaved BIL and children, her parents, and her own family - which has involved travelling serious distances.
She has coped until now - but everything has finally just hit her. She's not sleeping, can't concentrate, feeling very down.
She is married with a lovely DH and 2 older teen DCs.
I have no idea what to do to help her - any practical suggestions?

OP posts:

Unreasonablebetty · 13/10/2015 10:31

My MIL had her brother and sister both die from cancer within a month of each other (it seems to be something within their family, as their mother had cancer of the stomach which was removed and she's luckily still here today at the grand age of 91! But 3 of her 7 children have died of cancer, and one of her grandchildren (in her 40s!) has also had cancer)
My MIL really struggled at the time when her brother and sister both had cancer, and that they died so close to each other.
Generally speaking, the funerals were like a bit of closure for her, as the brother had been battling cancer for almost 3 years, and her sister had been battling for about two and a half years.

She managed to get through it, and it's the small things that have really helped her, like when a friend brought her a cd and a fluffy pen with a happy face on it with a card.

She was also perked up by friends who started to arrange trips out with her, we also invited her out for family days with us which helped her take her mind off of all the sadness around her.

It does sound like your friend needs some time just for herself,
Is there anyone else around who can try to help shoulder some of the responsibilities that she has taken on?

Is the the kind of lady who would like a spa day?

Original poster

Helloitsme15 · 13/10/2015 11:02

I thought about a spa day, but it might just be more pressure for her. I'll ask her husband.
Thanks for your post.

OP posts:

AnotherCider · 13/10/2015 13:03

No, don't ask her husband. Ask her.

She has had no control over events around her, don't continue that.

Go over one evening with a rom com dvd (or something else you thing she'd like), get some take away, a few drinks and talk to her. Ask her what you can do to help her, let her cry on your shoulder. She's been the strong one for everyone else, now she needs to get it out of her.

Original poster

Helloitsme15 · 13/10/2015 15:11

Anothercider - you are right. I will ask her. Thought it might be nicer to do a spa day as a surprise, but may be not.

OP posts:

sadwidow28 · 13/10/2015 17:36

Your friend hasn't had time to grieve for herself. She has put the status of her sibling as "wife", "mother", "daughter" before the status of "sister" and therefore has supported everyone else without taking care of her own needs.

She will be exhausted so getting her to slow down and relax is the first thing. Only then will she be able to allow her own memories and thoughts into her mind so that she can process them. Encourage her accept that her grief journey is as important as everyone else's.

Whilst a spa trip might be a good idea for further down the line, the bottle of wine and a DVD (time to chat) is more likely to do her immediate good at this stage. Take round a supper meal - enough for her to be able to warm up the next day so that she can dodge doing the cooking. (I suspect that she has been shopping and cooking for everyone else.)

You might prefer to order a take-away if you yourself don't drive - but warn her not to feed herself and her DH before you arrive.

I have lost three brothers in the last 10 years. I was so involved with supporting my DM and my DSILs with food, shopping, taxi service, child care etc that I was so exhausted by the time I got home I couldn't actually eat anything myself. Hopefully her DH is running her a bath with bubbles whenever there is time - it is amazing how a long soak in a bath can revive an aching/tired body. And it is such a safe place to have a cry .

Original poster

Helloitsme15 · 13/10/2015 23:39

sadwidow28 - that's great advice - I will try taking food round for a few weeks - drop something off for her and the family. It is very simple idea but I think she does need someone to take care of her for a while.

OP posts:

Fatmomma99 · 14/10/2015 00:52

Like sadwidow said, it's the little things that count.

Really, really, don't underestimate the power of listening. Honestly, just ask her if she wants to talk (and listen without judgement or suggestion). In RL I tend to think if I listen, I need to 'give" something ("have you thought of THIS...."), but - actually - it's the act of listening that people value and appreciate and remember, so do offer that. It means giving up some of your time.

Or (as sadwidow said), give her space to have a bath, bring her food so she doesn't have to cook. Do things that take the pressure off.

You sound a lovely friend, and all the best to her!

honeyroar · 14/10/2015 01:21

Has she been to the doctors herself? Something to help her sleep and recharge could make a big difference to her..

sadwidow28 · 14/10/2015 02:48

honeyroar I don't think Helloitsme's friend needs medication at this stage. She just hasn't had an opportunity (and encouragement) to slow down. If the OP's friend doesn't stop, slow-down and re-charge - she WILL end up taking medication (or she will be hospitalised).

I think there are enough ideas on this thread for the OP to start to support and help her friend in an appropriate way. And if the OP shares the ideas with the friend's DH, I reckon it should be enough to help the friend to turn the corner on her own grief journey without resorting to ADs or sleeping pills.

honeyroar · 14/10/2015 03:17

It worked for me Sadwidow when I was going through something that left me unable to eat or sleep. Just for a week to bump me back into it, after a discussion with my doctor. Talking things through with a good Dr is not such a bad suggestion, surely??

sadwidow28 · 14/10/2015 03:30

I do agree that a GP visit is something to be considered further down the line.

ADs don't give you 'a little bump' in a week. The benefits tend to be felt over weeks rather than days and different symptoms will get better at different times. What I think you benefited from was a sympathetic GP who listened and understood.

Sleeping pills will have an immediate affect but, again, I express caution before resorting to medication. It isn't always good to suppress the brain at this stage of the grief process because the feelings are simply set aside and will re-surface.

Sansoora · 14/10/2015 03:42

honeyroar I don't think Helloitsme's friend needs medication at this stage.

And who are you to decide if she does or doesn't?

OP - I would also encourage your friend to visit the Dr just in case she is has developed reactive depression. It needs to be ruled in or out.

addictedtosugar · 14/10/2015 05:07

Give her your time, and stay in contact. However you used to keep in touch before she lost her sister. Let her talk about her, or talk about everything and anything but her sister.
I agree talking to her about if there is something she would like to do, takeaway and wine, or a wander along the beach were good here.
You sound like a lovely friend to have.

Original poster

Helloitsme15 · 14/10/2015 09:11

Her GP has given her a week of sleeping pills to help her to develop a better sleeping pattern. She is as tough as they come but she just hit a wall of exhaustion and felt she needed some help.
She is normally the support for everyone else.

OP posts:

Welshmaenad · 14/10/2015 11:31

I lost my mum last year, my dad is disabled and my sister and children were all very grief stricken. I spent a lot of time and effort propping everyone else up and as a result gave myself little time to grieve.

The kindest thing you can do for your friend, from my perspective, is to give her time to relax and allow her to be sad. Ask her to spend a day with you, let her choose if she wants to go shopping, lunch, a spa - with you. Tell her she has been awe-inspiringly strong and supportive to those around her but that she's allowed to grieve too, and that you're happy to listen, or talk about other things, whatever she prefers.

Sometimes we just need permission to put down our weapons and cry. I had friends who did that for me and I'll forever be grateful.

honeyroar · 14/10/2015 22:34

I'm glad she went OP. It certainly helped me. Just catching up in a few nights sleep, thanks to the sleeping tablets, really helped me get my strength back to keep plodding on. I agree with Sadwidow that a sympathetic doctor helped a lot, but something to help me sleep did a lot of good too in the short term. Nobody can think straight when they're dog tired and struggling to cope with difficult life events. (And I speak as a long haul stewardess who knows a lot about being tired and how it affects you!).

I hope that it helps your friend. We are all different. Different people need different ways/different help through things.

SleepyForest · 14/10/2015 22:54

I would go with her for a long walk (ideally with a daft dog or two) with a pub at the end.

The problem with a spa day is that there are long stretches where you are alone or can't talk. They can leave you wanting to scream rather than in a state of relaxation.

It may help if you go with her to take flowers to the graves or light candles at a church. Sometimes rituals can be comforting. She might be ready to go through photo albums with a bottle of wine and a large box of tissues.

Someone once said to me that when you are going through grief it helps to picture your loved one alive and busy and being themselves rather than when they were dying or suffering. I thought it was good advice -although not easy to do.

Good luck, you sound like a good friend.

lavenderhoney · 14/10/2015 23:05

I would suggest you ask her if she would contemplate a nice lunch with you and then hair/ nails and then you babysit and she has a night with her dh, seeing a band she likes or comedy thing, or wandering round London or whatever - or whatever she wants - but a night in a hotel and breakfast in bed. Or in her own home and a lovely ordered in Sunday lunch, with a walk after, like Christmas without the stress of pleasing everyone.

The main thing is you text her, chat, don't expect a response ( and tell her so) and are just there. I honestly think if you ask what she wants and then just do it - that's a friend. You can always ask again in a few months:)

Flip