To BEG for some strategies to help my son stop hitting, shoving and pushing

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I have a beautiful four year ds, most of the time he is a lovely, lovely lad. One to one he is an angel, and plays well with others, but he just cannot seem to control his rough play. He is kind, empathetic, thinks about others, loving, cuddly, happy and intelligent, but he is so over excitable and full on. I have no problem with rough play but he is too rough and often will end up hurting another child. He also has a response of hitting and lashing out if he is unhappy about any situation. He won't think about the consequences, so for example if he gets upset he'll throw the first thing near him - be it a soft toy or a hard brick - then he'll be really upset and sorry. His ability to focus on me in these times seem low and trying to get him to remember, calm down and control himself is so hard. However once engaged in something he is great at it. I am out of ideas about how to help him find a self calm down button, we don't hit at home, if he does we immediately remove him from a situation, calm him down and then get him to think about how to make it better - a restorative type approach. He knows hitting etc whether in rough play or aggressive outbursts is wrong, he is immediately sorry afterwards but can't seem to control it. He has a stable family home life, lots of positive attention, firm boundaries etc but this behaviour is worrying me. He has a very good diet and we are very careful about sugar and treats - chocolate for example sends him haywire.
It escalates in any time of change, he has recently started school which has sent him rocketing in this, he was settling then a special theme day sent him spiralling - it was just too much for him - so much that they took him to the head-teacher's office to calm down - not because he was being naughty but he was just so hyper. I suppose more than aggression I'd describe it as over hyperactivity and no calm down button. I've no idea how to positively manage this and just end up feeling frustrated and upset with him which I hate - I feel I need some strategies to help him and me to manage this phase. I'm so worried he is going to end up with no friends and this is going to continue to escalate. Any help?

My DS is also 4. If he hits, which is hardly ever, I cannot remember this actually happening, there is no chart. There are immediate consequences that are relevant to what he has done.

We don't get home later and say, well, you hit so and so, you lose a treat in xxx amount of days. Your chart isn't working and you need to be harder on this.

DS gets pulled up on it, there and then, he apologises to the other child and if he sits out for 4 minutes regardless of protests. I am not swayed by how sorry he is after, they are always sorry when they are in trouble.

I understand you love your son and you've praised his wonderful personality in your OP, but you need to be realistic about the negative aspects of his personality too... He is violent and aggressive.

Please, please, please consider more the terrible impact he is having on the children that he is hitting. Your softly softly approach is not working and it is your responsibility to stop this before he becomes a lovely, kind, 14 year old bully who beats up weaker kids whenever he is frustrated.

I say this as someone who was tormented by bullies as a child, and who's DS is going through the same now. Of course, their parents thought they were kind and lovely too. They weren't.

I'm not suggesting you smack your child, or shout at hin, even. But you need to do whatever it takes to protect other children from your child. You need to come down on him harder.

Don't reinforce his negative behaviours be lavishing him with kind attention during your time outs. Sit him in silence and ignore him completely.

No warnings, immediate punishment. One incident should mean the good times at the pool are gone for the week. And it shouldn't be the case that his treats are revoked if, on balance, he's had more sad faces than happy faces... They should be revoked as soon as he assaults another child even once. Every child has the right not to be assaulted by your son.

Sorry for my anger, but I see too many parents these days who think their child is so special and unique that they get too much room for completely unacceptable behaviour. Your child might have suffer from not making many friends or getting a bad rep at school, but the kids he hits will suffer more from fear, a crushed self esteem and (as your son gets older, bigger and stronger) pain and physical injuries.

From your OP and your follow-up post I think your 'strategies' are too complicated for a 4 year old. They're even too complicated for grown people. I didn't understand your chart system. It sounded like quite complex mathematics - you add up the smiley faces, then you add up the sad faces, then you subtract the number of sad faces from the happy ones, and then that determines the reward he gets? I'm amazed you can keep up with it all, let alone expect your child to figure it all out. As for 'it varies depending on where we are'?? Rough play is ok, but too much rough play is not acceptable? Your system is confusing.

Simple rules: NO rough play. Simple consequences that can be enforced in exactly the same way every time regardless of where you are.

I like a pp's 'cushion in the corner' idea. Bring the cushion everywhere with you. The silly-word idea is also great, it can be the same word and can be used anywhere. Simple methods are better.

ironmum80

I would agree with other posters that the reward system sounds very complicated and delayed gratification is very difficult for 4 yr olds. My DS is nearly 6 and we don't make him wait till the end of the week for a treat if he has done something really well - he is ok with waiting overnight now but more than that and it's just not as effective.

You need to find something pretty immediate that will help focus his mind on trying to control himself better. Has he got a favourite toy that can be taken away or a favourite trip (to the park or shop for example) that can be a treat after school that day etc.

I agree with pp,your system sounds too complex and contradictory. No rough play, and if it starts then he could be removed form the situation until he is ready to go back and play nicely. With an understanding that he wont do it again. I have never really linked nice family activities to behaviour. I would suggest you do nice things, trips etc whenever you want but you need to warn him beforehand what the expectations are. And if he gets too rough then he is removed and calms down until he is ready to play. If he hurts someone on purpose then you leave the activity all together, for 5 or 10 mins...or you even go home.
Is he actually getting angry and losing his temper? I would talk about how everyone gets angry, its allowed, but hurting other people is not allowed.

When you say he is too rough at rough play, do you mean he is playing rough with someone with their consent and then he goes too far or do you mean the other child is playing a game that isn't rough and your DS makes it rough?

Not knowing when to stop when playing and aggressive, anger-based outbursts are two different problems and should be treated as such.

I think your reward system is far too complicated for a four year old and because of the 'mostly good' vs 'mostly bad' approach you end up rewarding bad behaviour. If in a week he punches 3 people, but is good the rest of the time then he gets to go to the pool/softplay etc. because 'well done, you've only been violent 3 times this week!'. That's not really a good message to send.

You'd be better immediately rewarding/punishing each incidence. If you can find a small thing that he likes (marble, sweet, 5p, piece of lego etc.) you can give a reward each time he is good and take away something each time he behaves badly, it's more immediate. Give him a pot to collect his prizes in. When he does something well he gets a sweet/sticker/5p in the jar, when he behaves badly one is taken away. He gets the content of the jar at the end of the day.

Your time-out does sound a bit softly-softly. For some children that is necessary and you know your DS better than I do, but I would question whether a slightly harsher approach may be better. There is nothing wrong with labelling bad behaviour as bad behaviour. Quiet time is great if the problem is that he's noisy, but it's not. I would stop sitting with him because he doesn't need attention for his bad behaviour. I think a firm 'no, thank you DS' and move to time out, leave him to calm down and think about things by himself for 5 minutes.

One warning is also too many. That's fine for silly/annoying/rule breaking behaviour, but not for violence. Straight into time out for any hitting/pushing/kicking/biting etc.

Immediate consequences. Dd had an experience with a little boy the same we saw regularly. The third occasion he tried it she retaliated and being tall and pretty fit even age 4 she really did a number on him. He funnily enough never gave her (and every other child who retaliated) any trouble again. I am not advocating you or anyone else hitting him as a cure, but immediate consequences do tend to work. No warnings for violence once they understand its wrong. How much exercise and running round outdoors etc does he get too?

How sad for him and the other children who are getting hurt. You really do need to nip this in the bud now OP. Your approach is just too soft. Your DS will either come across the child who will hit him back - hard - or he will end up with no friends at school which will make him thoroughly miserable and probably lead to him lashing out again...it becomes a vicious circle.

The parents of the children he is hurting wont be putting up with his behaviour for much longer either. So do deal with this actively not passively for both your son's good, and other children

He's only 4. Although I don't think you need to be using charts and complicated systems, I do think you're trying hard to do the right thing and your kind, reflexive approach will help your little boy in the end.

He is 4! He's boisterous and energetic. He makes mistakes. He is not a bully or going to end up as one (not because of this behaviour anyway). Keep going with your strategy of removing him immediately, but giving him the chance to reflect and apologise.

There are probably no quick fixes. But he isn't the violent aggressive bully that others are making him out to be, not from your description anyway! And if he was, he's FOUR. He hasn't learned self control yet. Your methods of talking it through and being with him when it is difficult WILL help him learn this!

Burn the charts.

Agree with Belindarose, he's just having trouble controlling himself, and your restorative approach sounds great. IME a child in time out isn't sat calmly reflecting on what they did wrong and why not to do it again, they're feeling bad about themselves and angry at the punisher. Have you explained the consequences of him hitting etc to other people? i.e. it hurts, makes them think the hitter doesn't like them? I'd rather my sons didn't hurt people because they don't want to hurt people, rather than out of fear of a punishment from me or desire for a reward (both of which are dependent on me being there to see...).

Wrt getting a bit hyper with change, he sounds a bit like my 4year old, though he is very gentle and doesn't hit. It sounds maybe like he needs a way out of stressful situations, perhaps a cushion in a quiet place in the classroom with a calmdown jar like a pp mentioned. My son flat out asks to go home if we're somewhere he's reaching the end of his tether, and if we can't for some reason he gets hyper and silly, babbling nonsense syllables and lolling about and getting noisy (he's normally v quiet and calm).

Thinking about it, when my son wanted to start playing rough my DH practised with him, with the explicit rule that if either party said stop everything stopped. DH would playfight briefly then say stop, and DS would stop, start again and DH would encourage DS to say stop and DH would model stopping. DS loved the control of freezing Daddy in place with a single word, so found it fun, but the lesson sank in. We extended it by DH acting upset (hamming it up for amusement factor) as another cue to stop. My DS was a bit younger when he went through his "wanting to playfight" phase and AFAIK never did with other children, only DH or me, but it might be worth thinking about? Banning rough play may be ideal, but not sure that'll work at school if another child initiates it he's likely to join in, yes? If school will police it, banning it might work though.

Agree with pp. Too soft, too complicated and inconsistent (different strategies for different places). I have a lot of experience with little ones as an ex nanny/cm plus mum.

Maybe it's cos I'm an old fart but I am surprised at the current aversion to using the word 'no'.

Doesn't need to be shouted, but does need to be said firmly with confidence and authority. And no warnings. He knows or should by now, that he's not to use this behaviour.

Each time it happens, a firm 'no', placed in time out (I agree not calling it quiet time too), no interaction during time out, where possible he needs to apologise to the child he's hurt and to you/dad/whichever adult is responsible for him.

NOT at the time or near the time of incidents discuss with him in ways he will understand what he should do if he feels himself getting angry, over boisterous etc. Eg walk away to the adult responsible for him (THAT could be 'taking some quiet time/time to calm down), punch a pillow/soft toy, run on the spot/star jumps for a few mins.

But you must be clear and consistent.

Each time it happens, a firm 'no'

This. The simple word 'no' is worth more than a thousand strategies. And follow through. You must follow through if you say 'no' and he ignores you, otherwise your 'no' will become meaningless. You often see those loud-parenters out there saying 'No, darling, no, mummy said no. No! No, stop that, I said no' endlessly as child continues regardless.

Decide in advance what the follow-through will be, e.g. you can remove him from a fun activity and take him home at once if you say 'no' and he ignores you. Say no and mean it.

His consequence for hurting somebody is getting your undivided attention as you sit with him waiting for him to calm down!!.You are a weak weak parent!!!
You need to stop and think.You are probably a good 2 feet taller than your DS.Imagine how terrifying his pushing shoving and random lashing out is to another 4 year old.It is the same as you beinge confined in a room 5 days a week with an adult man who might hit you at any moment?
Your son is not a toddler any more .He is a school boy and really should know better than this by now.