son's birthday...

[bananaandcustard]

Sadly my sil died about 8 yrs ago in very sad circumstances.
I am friends with her mother on facebook and we met at family gatherings quite frequently.
I am sure I am being unreasonable, but think I may of upset her but I am loathe to respond.

I posted a happy birthday to my son and she has responded with :HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND

I think she is waiting for me to add her daughter.
I could add her daughter to my sons birthday posting as an after thought, and perhaps my dad who is not dead, but we dont get on very well. should I add my dead sil to this post or not?
what does mumsnet think?

Sorry, I'm confused. Why would you write happy birthday to your son from you and dead SIL

Am I being thick?!

I think she was out of order to write that.

I think she means that her son and sil shared a birthday.

I agree with pictish - very passive aggressive comment.

I'm presuming your sil shared the same birthday as your Ds? You have every right to put anything you like on your fb page. Your sons birthday us obviously an important date for both you and your Ds. To keep the peace I might add something about always having sil in your mind, especially on this day or something similar.

But where does the dad fit in?

She's just a grieving mum. That pain never fades. So I think it best to just ignore for everybody's sake.

Your son's birthday celebrations don't (and shouldn't) have to factor the dead SIL in.

I agree with scatter, she's locked into her grief and is inappropriately projecting it onto you. I'd quietly ignore it as well. You're not obliged to include your sil in birthday greetings to your son.

Thanks everyone. Did think to ignore, but worried about it. I am sure she will bring it up at our next family gathering.
However I am going to bite my tongue and not argue with her as she always going to grieve.

Could the 'and' bit just be a typo where she was going to write something else but didn't?

Do they share a birthday OP?

You're right not to respond though, it wouldn't be good whether she meant what you thought or not.

they did share a birthday and its the same as my dad.

YOu know, I wouldn't add it to your post for your son's birthday, but I might consider putting a new post up saying "remembering SIL, who would have been XX today, missed every day" or some other such thing.

Don't respond to her post though, just put the new one up.

Ahhh, it must be a hard day for her.

It's totally fine for you to post just about your DS, your SIL's Mum must be thinking 'I should be doing that for

Birthdays and anniversary's of sad dates are always going to be difficult.
So I can guess what a hard day today has been for her.

Well, obviously she will be grieving her daughter for ever, and things like birthday's are always hard. But that is not anything to do with your son's birthday. I see many people on FB posting' today would have been my dear relative's X birthday - always miss you' or something of that kind. That is a way to remember and mark the occasion and people can then express sympathy or a happy memory for that person.

Lots of people I know have birthday's on the same day - I wish them happy birthday individually, I don't lump them all in together in a general birthday post.

I think you SIL's mother is trying to make a point about it being a sad day for her, but trying to add to your post for your son's birthday is not the way to do it.

Yanbu.

You could put up a new post relating to the SIL if you want to and another separate post regarding your dad. I don't think most people would make a group Happy Birthday post even if all of the group were still alive. That'd be a bit like birthday honours or some kind of 'On This Day...' type of thing.

I am sure she will bring it up at our next family gathering.

Politely hear her out, sympathise with her sorrow, then gently tell her you want to extend birthday greetings to your son on his own merit.

ThumbWitchesAbroad has offered the ideal solution/message.

It doesn't matter whether it is 1 year, 8 years or 18 years - she is still grieving and special dates make the memories even sharper. My Mum has buried 4 of her 9 children and says every time, "A mother should never have to bury their child".

Happy birthday to mini-bananaandcustard I hope you and he have a great day.

How can you wish someone who is dead a 'Happy Birthday'? I never understand this. They can't have a 'Happy Birthday' they're dead.

Even though as a mother I havent lost a child, (I have a child with a severe medical condition and he has knocked on 'heaven's door' a few times) I am scared that day will come for me if we are not so lucky in the future.

On my side of the family we are still in morning for my 6 yr old niece who died nearly 3 yrs ago.

I will be very sensitive to my SIL's mother and her grief, and do my best to understand how she is feeling on such dates.

I think being sensitive if she should bring it up is a good idea. Don't hold it against her but don't respond on FB. Just play innocent and say you didn't notice the and. If appropriate you could send her a separate private message saying you are thinking of SIL/her on this day as well.

Oh goodness, so sorry for the loss of your niece, what a shock. And I do hope that your own DS keeps holding his own.