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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends, school, DS and schoolwork.

29 replies

Toraleistripe · 10/10/2015 22:29

Grrrrrrrrr. Am I over reacting? Friend tells me that a mutual acquaintance of mine and friend of hers has been doing some voluntary work at DS' school. She has done some phonics work, maths and reading with Ds. Apparently told friend that DS was struggling and it appears they went on to have a conversation about this. Friend then tells me this. wtf. I am bloody furious with both of them. Acquaintance for discussing it in the first place and friend for them telling me. And she wasn't telling me in an informative way to highlight the wrongness of the situation. She was telling me it in a kind of gossipy way.

This happened on Thursday and I am still mad. As the days go on I am more mad. I need to tell both them don't i? Tell them not to discuss my sons progress together and acquaintance to share info outside of the classroom.

OP posts:

RachelZoe · 10/10/2015 22:36

Honestly I would bypass them both and go straight to the school. I'd probably send an "anonymous" email about her or something else that would report her without them knowing it was me specifically.

Fuck 'em. Pair of dicks. She should not be volunteering and the school need to know.

TheAussieProject · 10/10/2015 22:40

The first person you need to speak to is the school and have this volunteer removed from the classroom for gossiping around your son's capacities and difficulties.
You have the right to be mad, I would too. Have her banned from working at the school, there is a gross breech of trust here.

Original poster

Toraleistripe · 10/10/2015 22:40

It's complicated as we are all kind of friends in the same circle and feels really arkward. I wouldn't dare tell DH he will he bloody furious and probably go off like a rocket!

I don't want to tell the school but need to tell them. Just composed a text but not sending it. Will do it face to face if I can. Anyway too late for a text.

OP posts:

Floppy5885 · 10/10/2015 22:43

I'd tell the teacher. The acquaintance should only discuss things with her/him. Your friend should have no knowledge of things unless you discuss issues with her

HemanOrSheRa · 10/10/2015 22:43

Good grief. I would be absolutely bloody furious to OP. Don't bother speaking to friend or volunteer. Go straight to the school. This is completely out of order and a breach of confidentiality.

TheAussieProject · 10/10/2015 22:43

To be honest, they don't really sound like friends to me.

I would tell the school. If she is gossiping about your son, she is doing so about the other kids and she shouldn't.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 10/10/2015 22:43

If the woman is breaking confidentiality then the school must be told.

nocabbageinmyeye · 10/10/2015 22:45

Would you listen to yourself??? They broke your trust, effectively made fun of your son because of his abilities, were complete gossipy bitches who didn't take your feelings into account so now you will keep your dh in the dark and not stand up for your son so you don't upset the girls - spineless

DustyCropHopper · 10/10/2015 22:47

I would go straight to the teacher. I listen to readers at my children's school and would never dream of discussing such things with others (but then I worked as a TA for 9 years prior to having children so am well aware for the need for confidentiality).

HemanOrSheRa · 10/10/2015 22:48

I agree Aussie. What else is she gossiping about? What if a child shared some really sensitive information with her as 'trusted adult' and she decided to tell all and sundry about it. It's really not acceptable.

TheAussieProject · 10/10/2015 22:49

Do you will she will stop being judgmental just because you'll send her a text. No we will just tell the person she speaks to not to let you know because you are sensitive about your son's issues.

Do you really want her to continue coming to your DS's class and worry about what she thinks? Or worry about how your DS will read when she is present.
There is only one way out and that is telling the school.

AgentZigzag · 10/10/2015 22:49

Are you 100% sure that what your 'friend' said is true?

Does what she say stack up? Does the acquaintance gossip? Could your DS be struggling? (not that it matters, but if he isn't then you'd know she was talking bollocks).

I would probably ask the acquaintance before going to the school because if your friends gossipy anyway she could have embellished (even made up?) what was actually said.

Regardless of whether it's true or not you seem aware that she's a fucking shit stirrer, why on Earth would she say that to you??

pointythings · 10/10/2015 22:50

I would not hesitate to report this person. If she is gossiping about your DS, who else is she gossiping about? For the sake of the children she has to be stopped. Just go in and complain.

Floppy5885 · 10/10/2015 22:50

Text anyway 'I'm rather concerned that acquaintance has been discussing DS's progress with people. I'm planning to chat to teacher Monday as it just doesn't seem appropriate confidentiality wise.'

Lurkedforever1 · 10/10/2015 22:50

I agree, tell the school. If she's happy enough to breach confidentiality when she knew there was a good chance it would get back to you, God knows what she's sharing about other children in the class. Front page of the local rag rating every kid out of 10 in different areas and popping round their neighbours to share the juicy details of who reads biff and chip and who reads Voltaire

ilovesooty · 10/10/2015 22:51

Of course you have to go straight to the school on Monday. She has to be removed from the classroom immediately.

Finola1step · 10/10/2015 22:53

Tell the school

scalliondays · 10/10/2015 22:55

That's very harsh no cabbage!
OP is going to do something about it - doesn't mean it doesn't feel awkward. She says this happened on Thursday and today is only Saturday so she's not exactly letting it slide. I agree with speaking to the school as a first port of call.

MissMarpleCat · 10/10/2015 22:55

I agree with a pp, this is a breach of confidentiality. When you work with children, other than the relevant agencies involved, you don't disclose information concerning that child.

AgentZigzag · 10/10/2015 22:56

Is it only me who doesn't believe the friend?

She enjoyed telling the OP too much, surely the acquaintance would know she's like that and anything she told her would get back to the OP within the hour.

You should tell your DH OP, leave him to slug it out with them

Salmotrutta · 10/10/2015 23:04

Yes, you should tell your DH, stand back and watch the fireworks.

The behaviour of the volunteer (discussing your child) is outrageously wrong.

She/He should not be within a mile of a school.

catfordbetty · 10/10/2015 23:12

Speak directly with the Head - this matter goes to the heart of whether this person is a suitable volunteer. Explain what you were told and acknowledge that it is hearsay - the 'accused' person may have a different version of events. Ask the Head to investigate and let you know the outcome.

ThatsDissapointing · 10/10/2015 23:16

I think you should tell the school? What if she is gossiping about other peoples kids too

LyndaNotLinda · 10/10/2015 23:18

No don't talk to the teacher. Talk to the head. It's absolutely unacceptable for people who volunteer at school to ever divulge anything about children they work with. Ever.

The only way they stop this kind of gossip leak is by having a zero tolerance policy. For the sake of your son and all the other kids, you need to report this

AnnaMarlowe · 10/10/2015 23:20

Tell the school.
Tell your DH
Lose the friends.

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