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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To record conversations made on my mobile phone

41 replies

Timeforabiscuit · 10/10/2015 18:36

In brief, FIL (who i've posted about before) has been homeless/sofa surfing/ in a tent on a campsite for the last four months.

He has been turning up more regularly at our home, saying he has no where to go and it will just be for one night.

His health has been pretty poor, he isn't eating or washing but I think his drug use has had more influence on this than his housing situation. It takes about two days to air out the room he has been sleeping in to get rid of the smell.

SIL has lost patience and insisted on him bathing and changing his clothes if he was going to stay with her - which he reluctantly did. This was about two weeks ago.

All the while he has said he is not taking drugs, although it's obvious he is, we've stopped giving money some time ago - but he gets money through car boot sales.

Two days ago we get a phonecall saying he needs 2 weeks rent money urgently as he has a place to live, DH says he can't give him the money. He then asks to stay a night saying he's fallen out with another family member and he's been sleeping in a shed for the past 10 nights. DH wants to give FIL the benefit of the doubt - I think this all sounds fishy.

As FIL is on the other side of town DH goes and picks him up, on the drive he has a really open conversation, no pressure, asking for the truth - FIL swears he will be honest. DH asks if he is taking anything at the moment - FIL says no, not for last 3 months.

DH thinks he is finally getting through to FIL who says he will now go to the homeless shelter the next morning and ask for help "as his pride has got in the way".

When he gets here, I ask again whether he is taking anything - as if he accesses drug treatment he would have a better chance of proper housing help, again he says not touching anything.

After DH left in the morning FIL asks to borrow my phone as he needs to phone a mate about somewhere to sleep tonight, something about the way he asks seems off and he's changed his story (he said he was going to the Homeless place).

AIBU to have a certain app on my phone recording that call?

OP posts:

DonkeyOaty · 10/10/2015 19:31

Yes what Sue said ^

SurlyCue · 10/10/2015 19:37

Yeah i think DH needs to hear that recording. He needs to know thats what the money was going to be used on.

Original poster

Timeforabiscuit · 10/10/2015 19:39

He has always denied taking drugs, wormed his way out by blaming other (drug taking, boy am I painting a great picture) family members.

No mental health issues.

He has lied and lied and lied.

DH asked for honesty, and he lied again.

OP posts:

Original poster

Timeforabiscuit · 10/10/2015 19:47

To be honest, I feel like I'm being as devious and underhand as FIL is being - I feel like I need a AIBU morality bashing.

OP posts:

Georgethesecond · 10/10/2015 19:55

No, you're really not. You need to deal with the truth, not the bollocks FIL is telling you. The recording is the truth of the situation.

jacks365 · 10/10/2015 19:58

In this situation yanbu, you need that recording to hopefully wake dh up to just how bad things are. You can't help your fil if he won't help himself. I'd talk with dh and agree to tell fil to leave and if he ever wants seriously to sort himself out you will help but you can not help him in anyway until then. Sometimes the only true way to help is to stop giving the wrong help.

Wigglebummunch31 · 10/10/2015 20:04

Yanbu he's using your house and phone to sort his drug deals out. I'd be showing your DH and then asking him to leave and not come back. His drug taking is not your problem.

thelonggame · 10/10/2015 20:10

by inviting him to stay at your house and giving him money you are enabling his drug use.
It's an incredibly hard position for you to be in, but you have young children in the house and you have to put them first.
YANBU to record him, your husband needs to see the reality of the situation.

TheAussieProject · 10/10/2015 20:29

This is so difficult, OP. You are suspicions about him denying drugs and you were right, but that was expected, wasn't it? Drugs and lies walk hand in hand.
You FIL isn't there for you, but for your money. If he is happy living the way he lives, he can live it from A to Z, passing by H in the middle and staying Homeless.

Save your help when he will need it. Now he doesn't.
Very sorry for you and the awful situation. Give him leaflet about the council services for him and close the door.

Original poster

Timeforabiscuit · 10/10/2015 20:42

Thanks to everyone for describing this incredibly crap situation in a way I never could.

DH doesn't want to hear the recording but has told his dad he knows about the drugs and the lying, he has said he loves him but not welcome to stay anymore - he is feeling massively guilty.

Since the day his housing situation started to get wobbly we have been giving him numbers, offering to attend appointments with him, use of internet - but TheAussieProject has it bang on, he wants the freedom to do what he wants more than a roof over his head - ultimately that's his choice.

Unless anyone's got an angle we haven't though of?

OP posts:

do11y · 10/10/2015 20:49

OP what an unpleasant situation for everyone! I feel for you and your family. In my view I wholeheartedly agree with SurleyCue and Weaselwords. You have a young family who are your priority. FIL has made his decisions. If he refuses help then I would not break my back over it. Mental issues or not, one cannot help anyone who won't help themselves. It's behaviour like his that really gets me annoyed - sure he needs help but why should it become everyone else's problem to sort it out? He has to take some responsibility.

Of course, by all means, if he shows signs of change then I would go above and beyond in ensuring he had all the external assistance he needed, but this does not sound like the case in the this instance.

Peanutbutterfingers · 10/10/2015 21:30

It might not help fil right now but if he called his dealer from your phone you can report the number via 101 or call crime stoppers anonymously and they can use that intelligence if they already have an interest in dealer.

But others are right, having worked with substance misusers there is little you can do and hard as it is cutting him off from money is more likely to help in long term . I appreciate this is easier said than done.

Griphook · 10/10/2015 22:15

Op, only believe an addict when they tell you they are talking drugs because otherwise it's all too often lies...
Your fil doesn't want help, he would have taken it by now if he wanted it..(he wants money).. There is nothing you can do that doesn't end up with you enabling him. He is choosing this path, he is chosing drugs over support and somewhere to live. You can not make him access the support on offer. All you can do is be there if he decides he wants to be clean. In the mean time remember you can not make him help himself and anyone who thinks a bit of stucture to his day will make a difference is naive.

As for the recordings, he's shown himself to be manipulating and sly, maybe if you felt you could trust him it wouldn't be needed but for now you can't trust him so carry on

Comfortzone · 11/10/2015 16:38

Ah this is a completely different situation to the one I interpreted last night he's using your place as a base for dealings or whatever? Not under my roof. Sorry I'm with you on this one, you'll have to do tough love. It could affect your own family life/have repercussions. Good luck OP

Original poster

Timeforabiscuit · 12/10/2015 20:10

Thanks to everyone taking the time.

DH has had a read through and has found all your comments really helpful.

OP posts:

TiredButFineODFOJ · 12/10/2015 20:18

I know that you will feel like you were doing something underhand OP, and you kind of have however you acted on your instinct and it was correct. You didn't fully trust FIL but DH did. If your DH has accepted your point of view now and does not want to hear the recording then all is well that ends well.
I think you all need to look into counselling for relatives of people who abuse drugs. It's a horrible, painful situation to deal with.

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