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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or was this a bit thoughtless?

18 replies

MyGastIsFlabbered · 10/10/2015 15:55

I've been dating a guy for a few months & often we take our kids out together (they don't know we're dating). This morning we were talking and I said I was thinking of taking my children to Place A but did he have any better ideas. He said he'd let me know what he was up to.

My kids changed their minds about where they wanted to go so I sent him a message inviting him and his kids to lunch at mine. Didn't hear from him for a while so I called him-went straight to voicemail. He then messaged me saying he didn't hear his phone & hadn't replied to my message as he hadn't seen it; but he was just about to take his kids into Place A.

I replied that I was a bit pissed off as he hadn't mentioned going to Place A earlier when I'd said I might take my kids there and that he hadn't even thought to let me know they were going there after all.

AIBU and have I over-reacted or was he a bit thoughtless/not interested in seeing me. He hasn't replied to my last text. I'm feeling quite emotionally fragile at the moment so I'm not sure if I'm thinking clearly. If he'd just said at the beginning that he wanted to spend the day alone with his kids I'd have been fine with that

OP posts:
Spartans · 10/10/2015 16:07

I think Yabu. He may not have thought of the place until he mentioned it. When he told his kids they may have really wanted to go.

You didn't go because your kids changed their minds? So I don't see how it matters if he is going as your kids don't want to go.

It kind of sounds like you were only going because you thought he would want to go.

I also don't see what's wrong with him not being stuck to his phone when he has his kids.

Spartans · 10/10/2015 16:08

Thought of the place until you mentioned it

hauntedbytheghost · 10/10/2015 16:12

Yabu

Gottagetmoving · 10/10/2015 16:16

I think he may have forgotten he told you he would let you know what he was up to so just went to place A assuming you would be there. If he didn't want to see you all he wouldn't have gone to place A,...he would have avoided it, surely?

I think you may be looking for the worst scenario because you feel fragile?

Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 10/10/2015 16:18

But he didn't know my kids had changed their minds about going. I'd only said we might go there but I wasn't 100% decided. I've got no problem with him not being attached to his phone, which is why I called him rather than wait in case he hadn't seen the message I sent.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 10/10/2015 16:20

I just think you are over thinking it .

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 10/10/2015 16:24

I honestly think yabu. You said you were going to A. His kids may have agreed to go to A at the last minute (like your kids changed their minds) so he couldn't have let you know any earlier. Also, as he didn't know your kids would change their minds, he never thought to check his phone. Some people use their phone less than others.

Spartans · 10/10/2015 16:26

So he didn't know you kids had changed their minds?

So what? He decided he wanted to go. Not sure why that's an issue for you. He probably though you would be there. You weren't, it's no big deal.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 10/10/2015 16:28

I think YABU you suggested place A so I'm guessing he told his kids that he was planning on going there. Your kids don't won't to go but obviously his do so not sure why you and yours plans and wants come first?

I don't think he's done anything wrong to be honest, just a bit of miscommunication for which you are partly responsible

Gottagetmoving · 10/10/2015 16:30

But he didn't know my kids had changed their minds about going. I'd only said we might go there but I wasn't 100% decided. I've got no problem with him not being attached to his phone, which is why I called him rather than wait in case he hadn't seen the message I sent

It sounds like you are determined to see something negative or sinister in something that may be perfectly innocent.
He may not have answered your last text because it was aggressive, especially if you have a history of over thinking/reacting.
Are you a bit insecure about this relationship?

divere · 10/10/2015 16:36

You're overreacting. He probably thought he only needed to let you know if he was going somewhere other than Place A, because that's where you said you'd go.

I wouldn't have replied to your message about being pissed off either. I would've probably rolled my eyes and planned to deal with it once kids were in bed.

Bellebella · 10/10/2015 16:41

Overreaction. You said that your might go but perhaps he was just thinking of taking his children out today. He had no plans to see you at the time. You could not have gone anyway so what does it matter.

Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 10/10/2015 16:52

I suppose my issue is that if the situations were reversed, if I'd decided to go to Place A I'd have thought 'I wonder if x will be there, I'll give him a ring/text' it's the fact that it appears I never crossed his mind.

Yes I am insecure about this relationship, I suspect I'm way more into it than he is, plus I've had years of emotional abuse by my ex, who ignored my needs for years.

I have sent him an apology.

OP posts:
JenniferYellowHat1980 · 10/10/2015 16:56

But he was planning to take his DCs to the place you suggested. YABU but I think you've got there now. Arrange for them to come to yours tomorrow?

SurlyCue · 10/10/2015 17:01

Why have you got your kids forming friendships if youve only been dating a few months?

Can see how that's going to pan out.

"Mum why cant we go play with X and Y any more?"

"Er because, me and their dad are no longer shagging and i dont want to see him. It'd be awkward as fuck and i didnt really think this through. Soz kids. You'll make new friends. With my next boyfriends kids"

Arfarfanarf · 10/10/2015 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spartans · 10/10/2015 17:08

Maybe he wanted a couple of hours with his kids there, on his own, first.

It really sounds like you are really over emotionally invested in this. How long since you split with your ex. Maybe you need sometime not dating, maybe some counselling, before getting involved with anyone.

Tbh I wouldn't respond to the text saying you were pissed off.

I know your kids don't know you are seeing him, but it's really worth getting yourself sorted before starting friendships between your kids and another mans. Even though they don't he is your bf, they will confused if it comes to an end and they can not be friends with he kids anymore. Not telling them you are seeing eachother won't change that

Gottagetmoving · 10/10/2015 18:06

I suppose my issue is that if the situations were reversed, if I'd decided to go to Place A I'd have thought 'I wonder if x will be there, I'll give him a ring/text' it's the fact that it appears I never crossed his mind

But people do not think/do the same as you do!...You assume you were not on his mind, but he went to the place YOU suggested.
Perhaps his priority is his children,...which is right, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.

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