AIBU about this parent becoming overinvolved and pissing people off?

[GabiSolis]

NC in case I am identifiable. Poo pouffe, gluezilla, penis beaker, etc.

I am involved in a community group for children and a few times a year we run fundraising events. Sometimes it's for the children to do activities, sometimes for charities. Occasionally, we need to ask for help from parents because the ratio requirements of adult to child are higher when you're out and about than they are when you're in the usual meeting place. It's difficult sometimes to get a commitment from anyone to help. From a potential pool of 50-60 mums and dads you'll maybe get 3 or 4 offers of help. For this reason I may be being unreasonable in being annoyed at what's happened. Generally speaking, we are grateful when we get any offers of help.

Yesterday, we were running a fundraising event and a couple of the parents had agreed to stay, others were dropping their children off to help (this is fine, no issue with this at all). One mother in particular volunteered to help for a short while and tbh as mean as it sounds the adults who run the group gave a collective sigh.

The mother is princess pushy. Her DD has to have the best of everything, she has to be involved in everything and as such a lot of the interactions we have with her as part of the group are trying to placate her 'pushiness'. Her DD is a difficult child to have as part of a group, but manageable. She is demanding but certainly not the worst! As part of this fundraising event, the mother offered to make something to sell. We knew there would be a catch (because there always is with this woman) but we didn't have a whole lot of choice but to accept (can you imagine trying to explain why she couldn't?!).

Yesterday, she turns up with her creation and proceeded to try to take over the whole event. She changed things one of the regular helpers had put a lot of hard work into, refused to allow the children to handle some of the things we had arranged for them to do and was generally rude and bossy. She would probably not see herself this way, she would think she is kooky and energetic. She couldn't just turn up and help as we needed it. She was rude and talked a million miles an hour.

AIBU to be annoyed with this woman even though she did put some effort into making something for the event? Do you think we have to be gracious and accept her help without a word even though it pisses off all the other adults who give their time weekly? We are reaching the end of our collective tether with her.

Yes, you're right, but no opportunity to 'discuss' with her that wasn't in front of the girls today. I will be clearer with her in future if she decides to 'help' again.

Changedtoday - other parents do not get on with her particularly well. It's a shame really as they do all lift share after Brownies but people do not want to involve her. She's very dominant in conversations with the other parents.

You probably arent being unreasonable but for perspective when I volunteer to help brownies at their request I find there is very little direction and very little control of the girls when out so I'll step up and tell them to keep away from the train platform edge, off the road etc. Not suggesting you're like this but I think there needs to be a strong leadership team who delegate to parent helpers rather then the flaky 'just help where you can' approach. In further delegate specific tasks and so no thank you whe appropriate.

Vintagebeads - that's it isn't it? She's a pushy mum and it's all about control. She probably does think she's helping but she's caused more problems with this event than she was ever going to solve.

Ceecee you are right, but honestly everybody else followed what we asked of them so I don't think she could argue that we hadn't been clear. She just wanted to do what she wanted and that's that imo.

What on Earth was the item she wanted to sell for £100?

I suspected it was brownies. I run a brownie unit too.

Maybe next time be clearer about what is happening and if she wants to do something ten set her up with her own table and leave her to it. As part of the number fun badge it is a clause to take and deal with money at an event. Maybe point that out to her and have a copy of the badge clauses with you.

Having had a run it with a parent this week, it would be much easier without the ones who are needy and need attention.

I know a mother just like that.... I can picture her now, there isn't a lot you can do to stop her when she's on a roll. She comes across as being lovely, sweet and gentle but in reality is a manipulative so and so. are you in wiltshire?

Groovee - yep that's why it was so irksome that she kept trying to stop them. We were trying to give the girls 10-15 minutes each taking the money at a time but she didn't think they were capable. Her DD was of course fine to do it (she was fine to do it, but so were the others!).

Ahhhhhhhhhh.
Okay, as the leader, you need to explain to her very firmly that girl guiding is a girl-led event, the Brownies are absolutely expected to be running everything with adults supervising. This includes the GIRLS being responsible for running each table, taking the money, making the correct change, with help IF required. The adults are there to facilitate the girls, even for a fundraising event.

You need to be educating her on the girl guiding ethos. Usually, if you explain to these parents calmly and carefully, including the benefits to their daughters of this approach, they get it. Sometimes you have to do it repeatedly.

In similar circumstances, I have praised the parent for their level of involvement and suggested they complete the paperwork to become a leader, so that they can use their skill set to best advantage and run the events. You don't usually see them again for dust.

It's an education process though.

And I am afraid I wouldn't have stood for her 'not letting' the girls play their part. That process is absolutely as valuable as the funds raised. That aspect is usually down to them just not understanding the ethos of the organization though, and assuming that the fundraising is the important bit, and nothing else matters. In this case, the journey is just as important as the destination

Yep Twickerhun, that's her. Not in Wiltshire sadly, which means there's two of them. :(

You probably arent being unreasonable but for perspective when I volunteer to help brownies at their request I find there is very little direction and very little control of the girls when out so I'll step up

well I certainly wouldn't be letting girls run into the road, but a lot of parents find helping frustrating because the whole girl lead thing takes some getting used to. The girls take bloody ages to get some things done (making change and hoovering come to mind) and it isn't our role to micro manage that. Similarly, if the girls have come up with a plan for how something will work, we are taught to go along with that rather than tell them a better way. So maybe your DD's group is badly managed or maybe it's frustrating to watch because the girls are learning by making mistakes.

Safety is obviously different.

I don't have parent helpers regularly because the girls complain if their mum is there and the parents often want to take over as in the OP's post which leaves me with upset girls and upset leaders to calm down.

OP is there another way to make up ratio? Leaders from nearby units?

Yeah - the girl-led aspects can easily be misconstrued as the leaders being crap lol - a bit like 'helpers' who step in and insist that crafts are completed exactly right, and end up completing the crafts for the kids, instead of letting them learn by practicing using the scissors, the glue guns, the needle. Sure, you get an identikit craft at the end of it, but the child has learned nothing, except that they are not good enough/ old enough/ clever enough to have done it themselves. And the 'helpers' go home believing they have done a great job because little Susie got a lovely x to take home. Sigh.

It's all education, and a learning process. For the parents as well. And as leaders we do have to educate the parents as well. Although I know a lot of leaders that won't take on this role as it is just too daunting.

Safety is always different. And if any parents has concerns about safety, they should ALWAYS discuss with leaders, or shout 'STOP!' if required.

You are like I would try to be - reasonable, assuming DPs understand what is needed, putting yourselves out for the DCs.

However, that is possibly not how to run these things. It needs someone a bit pushy, determined and decisive and rather than shaping up to that role you are criticizing the intruding DP. I think you know that you really need to stand up to her but don't want to in case it ends in tears/ cross words/ others criticizing you.

Can you man up? Can you do a charm offensive and bring her onside so that you can manipulate and control her without upset??

You probably need to do this and sod what the outcome is.