AIBU to be gutted as mums not so surprising response to refugee crisis ?

[Throughthestorm]

" But we took you to stately homes " would pos be a more suited thread normally , but that aside I am so upset after yet another disagreement with my mother .
Somehow managed to get onto the subject of that poor little boy washed up on the shoreline ( RIP) that many of us saw on social media .
In the conversation we had , I filled up , which I think is understandable given what's going on and said that we didn't appreciate what we have in the UK and I would give up what I have tomorrow if it saved another child from a similar tragedy .
Mother looked shocked and told me I should discuss that with my father .
I replied I did not need to discuss my feelings with anyone least of all my father.
She then went literally hysterical claiming that most refugees were 30 - 40 yr old men who were quite capable of working but refused too .
I said that in the third world there was no opportunity for work and the children were starving and we should maybe have less , so they would have an opportunity to live a better life .
Mothers response was that they could work but didn't try and the young men came into this country with bombs on their backs !!!
I said that we can't judge the majority by the minority's and fgs it has nothing to do with the children - they are vulnerable and can't stand up for themselves .
Mother was having none of it - said she had worked all her life and not to support immigrants .
I told her I admit to being extremely niave with the whole politics side but stood my ground that the children esp and immigrants need our help more than ever .
My god my biggest dilemma this week was which energy supplier to switch to , not which mouth to feed or which channel to cross holding my baby . That could be me and my own babies !
She told me I was being dramatic and to speak to my father ( he'd prob try and wash my mouth out with a bar of soap even tho I'm 45 ! ) and I asked her to leave .
AIBU X

'I would give up what I have tomorrow if it saved another child from a similar tragedy'

Feel a bit mean saying this but think tomorrow and would are probably the operative words here. You can't preach in terms of what you might do one of these days if you could! Your mum is possibly thinking, yeah right, and trying to work out how she is supposed to respond.

Obv, I could be v wrong, distressing times :(

I don't know if this will help but my personal experience with my parents is of watching them slowly change from being very left-wing progressive types to more and more conservative as they age. I think they and probably many people find the world a scarier place as they get older. It probably doesn't help that for every tragic image of a small young victim of war displacement there are ten images to be found of angry young men at European borders installing fear into people. The truth is to be found somewhere between these two extremes. Your sentiments do you credit OP but I do think this is a very complex issue that there are no easy answers to, it is not possible to take in every refugee or migrant and as someone smarter than me wrote "Impractical morality is no morality at all."

My mum (not British, ironically)was born in a country with pro social ideas and has morphed into a raging right winger in the last few years and has even voted UKIP (the shame) in the past. The way I deal with it is to keep conversation as neutral as possible, after lots of political disagreements.
It makes me feel sad that her empathy seems to have disappeared

Unfortunately most of the Syrian refugees are men. I saw a video from a Syrian refugee camp where the husbands and fathers had abandoned their families to whatever fate in the camp. Rape, violence etc. I'm glad we seem to be willing to take these refugees in and not say an economic migrant who has chucked away his passport and is pretending to be Syrian.

We do need to start taking them now and more than 20,000. It would I hope discourage anyone thinking of getting on a flimsy boat to Europe.

I also read about a charity that has stopped collecting for Calais because they went to visit the camp, found piles of unwanted food/clothes donations being burned. The charity said about 80% of the migrants in Calais were men who were primarily hoping to get to the UK for better economic prospects. The charity is now looking at getting the aid to Eastern Europe to help refugees from conflict.

Then there are German villages warning women to cover up because the refugee/migrant men have little to no concept of women's rights etc and I can see why people are worried.

I do also think what we see on the Internet MsM needs to be taken with a pinch of salt, from both sides of the argument. This doesn't help when trying to form an opinion.

I think its an uncomfortable truth that not all those trying to start a new life in Europe are like the many poor children who drown in the Mediterranean every day. I don't want to believe it's true but now I'm not so sure. And I do feel quite angry that right there in the Middle East are wealthy nations turning a blind eye, taking in no refugees forcing many to risk their lives to get to Europe. Oil diplomacy means yet again that our leaders dare not confront these nations.

I am not saying we should close the door and 20,000 is a woefully small amount. But in an ideal world we'd take the most deserving of rescue. I don't know the answer, but we should not dismiss people's thoughts and concerns.

Perhaps as you get older you start to get more cynical and world weary. Life's unfairness giving you a knock or two, seeing government cutbacks to services you become more reliant on once you become a pensioner that were never on your radar when young and healthy. Old people become more vulnerable and reliant on others and I know a few who think, 'but what about the old and sick here? Should we not put taxpayers money into helping us?' I don't always agree with everything they say but I don't judge them harshly for their opinions. They are living in an uncertain world too.

YWBVU to ask your Mother to leave over this. It's perfectly reasonable for her to think it strange that you'd give up everything you have when presumably she's worked to give you the kind of life you want for others. It all sounds a bit naive and dramatic, sorry.

YANBU about the refugee situation but YABVVU to well up over it in front of your unsympathetic mother and then tell her you would give up everything you have to help a refugee. That was never going to end well.

Never discuss politics (immigration, refugees), religion (abortion, euthanasia) or sex (anal, bdsm) with people who you are not VERY SURE are on your side. This is a golden rule.

But I get how sometimes you can find yourself on a topic without having planned to, so YANBU to ask her to leave.

I would give up what I have tomorrow if it saved another child from a similar tragedy

No you wouldn't. You already have the chance to give everything up and it would save a child. But you don't. Your mother knew it was hyperbole, and then responded with her own hyperbole.

Yes, everyone needs to take in more refugees. But we need to run back ground checks, monitor them, and make it clear they need to assimilate to our country and culture. That includes accepting and understanding women have equal rights, and no religion dictates the law.

It's unfortunate, but because most terrorists are home grown in our own country (9/11 pilots were trained here), we need to be extra cautious that we're not getting moles sneaking in. Refugees are first and foremost human. That means some are good, some are bad, and it's going to be a slow process to sift through them. We can't just open flood gates, and let people in unchecked.

We need to take in much, much more than we have. But we need to be smart about it as well.

YANBU, I see on FB that my brother has 'liked' the Britain First page. It makes me sad, he was brought up to know better than that.

Dear OP,
I feel the same way you do.
I think your outlook is very human, kind and not in the least bit unreasonable. I'm gutted too, and would welcome a refugee into my home, if needed. In times like these, the world will only become a better place if everyone shares and cares.
Hugs n love,
RS

Tbh I disagree with what your mum said. But I am starting to get annoyed at the 'I would give everything up to help them' because you could do it but haven't so far.

It's just something people say. Many people say 'I would take in a immigrant' but have taken no steps towards doing so. There are a lot of words of Epping floating around but no action from a lot of people. At the same time they are slagging people off for not saying the same thing.

Putting aside the refugee question for a moment (and not to belittle it at all) it's your dms reaction that has upset you. Go and talk to your df? Why? So he can mansplain it to his poor deluded daughter? Wash you mouth out? Really, he's done this? Your reaction to that poor child is normal, but your dms reaction is not. Why can't she empathise with your emotions and the child, yet still be able to express misgivings about the situation without riding roughshod over your feelings and opinions?
Is this the general way things go with them op? Bullying you into their way of thinking? If so ask what positive things do they bring to your life?

I would give up what I have tomorrow if it saved another child from a similar tragedy

And your mother accused you of being dramatic...

We need to take in much, much more than we have

No we don't. Our NHS is in crisis, services for vulnerable people are being cut, we don't have enough homes for people already here. The 100s of millions that we are giving in foreign aid should be directed to helping refugees settle in stable Muslim countries and the rich Arab states should be stepping up. I certainly don't want tens of thousands of Muslim men moving to this country with their complete lack of respect for women's rights.

And I'm not getting more right wing as I get older. I'm a 50 year old card carrying Labour party member who voted for Corbyn! I don't share his views on immigration but on social justice for people living here now.