my dad is dying from cancer and i cant get this issue with his treatment out of my head

[pud1]

my dad has a rare form of cancer. it is called peritoneum metastasis. it is rare as primary cancer and even rarer in men. he was diagnosed on july 1st only 2 months after my mum had passed away from lung cancer so i am pretty raw at the moment.

when he was first diagnosed i did some research. at the time i didnt even know what the peritoneum was ( its a membrane that aprons your pelvis including bowels, liver,kidneys) we knew from the beginning that it was inoperable and terminal. during my research i came acros a treatment called HIPEC. i only read about it a little in that it involves flushing the pelvic cavity with a type of heated chemotherapy and requires surgery. i mentioned it to his oncologist who told me that he had never heard of it and that google is not a good place. he told me that there are some treatments in other countries that he wouldnt want to put anyone through. i thought about what he had said and put it to the back of my mind safe in the knowledge that he is the expert.

Dad has got progressively worse and is currently in hospital and is near the end. whilst i have been sat by my dads bedside i have had alot of time to think and this treatment popped back into my head so i googled it further. it turns out that it is available t The Christie ( i live near manchester, dad doesnt) and the royal marsden. it coul have been our chance but its too late now. i am fuming with myself for not looking into it more. i know it may not have been suitable but this is my dads life. surely it was worth some investigation.

if he was diagnosed int he areas surrounding The christie he would have been informed of the treatment if it was viable but as he lives n lincolnshire it was never an option. it just feels so wrong

My DF was treated at the Christie although he lived well outside the area (Scotland). He didn't actually get different treatment but when he was diagnosed as terminal the attitude of the doctors locally seemed so downbeat and "we'll manage you out" which was hard to take at the time as he didn't feel particularly unwell at the time. My DB lived in Manchester so DF got some aspects of his treatment transferred there. The primary thing was the attitude of the consultant was so much more upbeat, the vibe was far more "we'll keep fighting for you" and that made a massive difference to my dad mentally, the idea that he hadn't been given up on without it falling into a state of false hope.

I will say I'm not sure if it actually prolonged his life and the travelling was hard. It only worked for us because my DB lived close to the hospital.

Try not to beat yourself up. I obsessed with looking up different treatments and even suggested a flight to the States at one point. I felt conflicted the whole time - a combination of between being really sad, trying to appreciate the time left, worrying about how sick DF was going to feel and hunting for ways to change things. it is hard, I'm so sorry.

I second the part above about palliative care. My DB and I were with my DF when he passed away and that memory is very important to me.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through I lost my dad to lung and other hidden cancers.. It's awful and sad to see so many others here go through the same. It's normal to question the treatment.. I always wondered why my dad wasn't put forward for clinical trials as he was up for them. But even just the chemo was too much. I know it's hard to hear, but some cancers are just too aggressive and happen too late in life and sometimes it's best to let nature run its course.. and stop trying to prolong life when it causes them more pain. I know this doesn't apply to everyone though. As the family we just want them to cling on forever don't we
Look after yourself xxx

My friend had the treatment you mentioned in Basingstoke about 8 years ago. It was fairly controversial and dangerous at the time - I was told. She almost died shortly after and became addicted to morphine. The cancer came back as well.
I would have thought this procedure has advanced since then but it must still come with considerable risks.
also my friend noted that surgeons don't want to do it routinely because of risks.
The above is all hearsay but I thought it is worth mentioning as it doesn't sound appropriate for people who are frail. My friend was in her late 20s.

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad.

If I were in your position (and I'm and NHS Consultant) I would write to his consultant oncologist (with a covering letter signed by your Dad giving the consultant permission to discuss his case with you) outlining that HIPEC is available in the UK (name the centres) and ask him to explain why it wasn't considered suitable for your father.

Lots of these novel treatments are very niche - I suspect you will feel better if you hear that it isn't suitable.

I've done similar for my family - in our case it was actually a treatment that was started and then caused a serious complication but knowing that it has been a considered decision to start it with a good evidence base helped me to come to terms with a poor outcome. My relative had picked up on my unhappiness with their treatment and by asking questions we were both much happier and our relationship with the treatment team has been preserved.

I have been in exactly the same position as you. Different cancer but same issues. Both parents lost within very short time. I assume right now you are sat with your dad but feel free to pm me when you ready. I am Manchester too

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I lost my dad a few years ago from cancer. It wasn't caught till too late. There wasn't really any options, but you have all these thoughts go through your head.
Xxx