AIBU for not wanting children to stay with their dad?

[buddhababy123]

A bit of background: Ex and I split up 3 years ago, in part because we just weren't a suitable match, and largely because of the affairs/one night stands/excessive porn use on his part.

Finally found an email (naughty to look, I know, but I've never regretted it and much better off psychologically without him) in which he declared his love for someone he'd exchanged porn photos with on some site, and said he was ready to leave us for her. Unsurprisingly she never got back to him, but it was enough for me to give him the boot after 10 years.

We agreed to stay amicable for our 2 children's sake, he now lives about 3 1/2 hours drive from here, and does not see the children very often, e.g. in school holidays for maybe a week at a time.
I am now in the middle of a degree (feeble attempt to raise my game as I must provide for the children financially on my own as they grow up, he has never really been able to hold a job down, more of a 'smoker' laid back type).
I asked him to come for 1 week while I had my exams, to help with school runs etc. This was the first time I'd asked for help.
I found out that while he was here, he'd arranged via text to meet up with a couple he'd met on a porn site, and go have an orgy with them in his van.
He went out for the night, let himself back in, as he sleeps on the sofa bed when he's here.
I then found out that his girlfriend makes money doing webcam stuff from their place, again in the porn industry, and that they have met up with a local couple who are into all the same sex games.
SOOOO...after the long history, if you're still with me, am I being unreasonable to have major concerns about letting my 2 daughters, 6 & 10, go stay with him and his girlfriend in a little community on a hillside?

He says I am depriving his children of their right to stay with their dad, I don't feel that I can trust him to keep the porn side of their lives from the children.
I have offered the use of the sofa (against my better judgement) so that he can spend time with them here but he doesn't want to.

I realise that there's not a huge amount to go on when you don't have the full story, but I can't discuss it with my mum anymore, too depressing, and I don't know if my friends are just biased in my favour, so I ask the wider community, would you let your children stay, unaccompanied, with someone in this situation?

(Apologies for bad wording and length, v tired and should be focusing on essay, but had to get this off my chest!!)

Does he realise why you might think aspects of his lifestyle are unsuitable? Does he agree? Have the children given you reason to suspect that they've been exposed to anything unsavoury?

No he doesn't understand why I have concerns, but he has called me a paranoid psycho!
The girls were exposed to a photo on his smartphone that he'd taken of himself flashing while out 'jogging' before he moved out.
He was letting them scroll through and they saw it. I was really horrified and angry, he thought it wasn't that big a deal.
Because of the history of him using his phones for porn I was really concerned when I saw my youngest playing on his phone last time he visited. He assured me that his phones were totally clean, didn't even look at porn anymore let alone take part online.
So, when he was upstairs with the children I looked at his phone and saw the arrangements for that evenings dogging.
When I raised my concerns he told me it was my responsibility to tell the children not to look at his phone, or to tell him to keep it locked. (This was also when I found out the nature of his girlfriends work).
The girls may not have been exposed to anything beyond his own flashing photo so far, apparently she keeps all of her webcam kit hidden somewhere in the chalet that the children won't find it, but as he spends most of his life gently stoned I really don't think he's capable of thinking through what potential exposure there might be.

If he spends most of his time stoned, then that would lead me to think about asking for some kind of supervised access.

What do your dds think of him? Do they want to stay with him?

What about the new GF? How does she feel about having kids around when their dad isn't in a state to look after them?

He has always been a stoner, so the children are very used to him being like that.
They love him, and want to spend time with him, and I think that he would not actively wish them to come to harm. He lives near a beach in a woodland community where the children just have total free rein around the woods. It's wonderful, as far as they're concerned! (only downside for them no hot water, insulation or toilet...)
The GF gets on great with them.
I have asked him to enter into mediation with me so we can have some kind of formal written agreement but he refused. I can't think of how we'd get to the point of supervised access when he just says he's doing nothing wrong (which I guess is true, legally).

With regards to the "porn" related issues, if the children don't see it or are not exposed to it then how can you make it an issue? It is totally unrelated to his suitability as a father.

He sounds like he's on the sexually incontinent side. And people like that get sloppy and don't always think to hide things, because they aren't bothered/ashamed of what they're doing, especially if they are drug users too.

Can he promise that his gf won't webcam while they are there? Can he assure that you that he won't pass out in the evening leaving potentially dodgy people you don't know in the house? Too many variables. It sounds like he's just into so much that the kids will eventually be exposed to more of it. I wouldn't risk it. Let it go to court, and let a judge hear all this.

He's permanently "gently stoned", is sexually incontinent, partakes in dogging, has a girlfriend who does things on webcam and has no insulation, hot water or toilet and lives in woods near a beach. YANBU.

He lives near a beach in a woodland community where the children just have total free rein around the woods

I wouldn't be happy about my 6 year old roaming around the woods or near the sea alone, or even with an older sibling. What is the 'woodland community'?

He's stoned and letting the kids wander around unsupervised. That would be enough for me to be concerned.

Regarding the porn stuff, I'd be wary of the fact that porn and sex sound like a massive part of his life, to the extent that he might not have the same boundaries as someone whose life doesn't revolve around webcams, orgies or dogging.

has no insulation, hot water or toilet

That's a valid concern you can take to mediation or the courts.

I would also bring up the concern that they have been exposed to his nude pictures. No one needs to see their father's dick pics. Ever.

I wouldn't let my children stay with anyone who was on drugs tbh so yanbu. I think supervised access is the best way here. And exposing children to indecent photos is a criminal offence. He sounds awful!