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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in wanting my pil to keep to my schedule

22 replies

claracluck1978 · 08/10/2015 20:56

My DPs parents look after my 2 DS once a week and the occasional overnight to help with childcare as I work 4 days a week and my DP is on shifts for the NHS. The other days my DS go to a nursery.

Every few weeks we have a problem where the Pil let the boys sleep from 5-6pm which completely screws up our evenings.

Usually the boys have lunch at 12.30 and then a nap between 1.30 - 2.30 and then tea at 5.30 before starting their bedtime routine at 6.45 with bath, milk, teeth, story and bed. If they have had an early nap they go down a dream and sleep through the night. If they don't and nap late they obviously don't want to go to bed and we have a terrible night of intermittent wake ups. Keeping them up later isn't a great option as we need to be up and out of the house by 8 in the morning.

It falls on deaf ears when I mention it to DP or his folks and yet I'm now facing a bad night on my own with 2 cranky 2 year olds. I know I shouldn't complain as having one day of 'free' childcare makes my choice to work a lot easier.

So, WIBU if I brought it up (again!) with the PILs or are they BU for not keeping to our routine?

(My first Aibu so please be gentle!)

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/10/2015 21:00

I can see why the DPs might want to nap them. Looking after two at this age is hard, and presumably they are older. However, why doesn't your DP care?

Junosmum · 08/10/2015 21:01

They are BU.

Original poster

claracluck1978 · 08/10/2015 21:03

MrsTerryPratchett - I'm happy with them napping then during the afternoon just not so late in the day. It means they also don't really want tea so late (I think they also give them a v late afternoon snack)

my DP doesn't want to rock the boat as otherwise the fact they go to them once a week is brilliant for all involved

OP posts:

Ohbollockstothem · 08/10/2015 21:04

I used to have this when I worked full time and just learnt to live with it
Ultimately they are altering their life / routine to help you
I'd just be grateful

aprilanne · 08/10/2015 21:04

i have no experience of this because i have always been asahm .but my inlaws watched hubbys nieces and nephew for there parent,s and there attitude was i am watching them i will do it my way and they may let them nap because they are shattered .the grandparents i mean maybe you will just have to grin and bear it as you said its free childcare .

Griphook · 08/10/2015 21:04

Do you know why they are letting them sleep? Are they putting them down to sleep because they are tired, or are they falling asleep on the sofa?

Smartiepants79 · 08/10/2015 21:06

Why are they napping at this time?
Can they not feed them earlier to keep them going? Are they not having a nap earlier in the day? Or is this a second nap?

Clobbered · 08/10/2015 21:06

To be honest, I think you are lucky to have PILs who provide free childcare, and if they can't or won't stick to your routine, then it's annoying, but not much you can do about it. They won't always need an afternoon nap, and things may get easier then (or maybe PILs won't be so keen to look after them, and you may have to make alternative arrangements anyway).

What happens if you just put them to bed later on the nights when they have had a late nap? If you wait until they are tired, do they sleep through then? Could it be the bedtime battle that gets them wound up so that they don't sleep well afterwards?

Boredofthinkingofnewnames · 08/10/2015 21:18

We had this when mum and mil looked after mine when I went back to work. We sucked it up for a while but in the end I sat them down and explained that letting them sleep at 2pm for three hours was no good for any of us they did get a lot better.

YANBU

AtTheEndofTheRoad · 08/10/2015 21:25

When I was a sahm with my own kids I would aim for the same sort of routine as yours. Sometimes it would just go wrong- ie they would fall asleep at 1:30 and get woken up 5 minutes later and then fall asleep, despite my best efforts, at teatime. It's just part and parcel of looking after kids that age. I understand how frustrating it is at a time when Nothing is more important than a good nights sleep, but I would expect to put up with it.

BarbarianMum · 08/10/2015 21:28

I had exactly the same problem with ds2, except it was me looking after him. Every now and then it would be impossible to keep him awake late afternoon, he'd sleep and then be up til 10pm.

YANBU to think that they should try and follow your routine but I think that you do need to accept that it won't always work.

saucony · 08/10/2015 21:29

I'm on the fence. I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. Have they said why they've altered nap time?

BoyScout · 08/10/2015 21:31

I don't quite understand. Are you saying that the PIL don't give them the nap at 1.30 and therefore they end up falling asleep at 5-6pm?

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask them to try and get them to nap. It's important to get sleep right.

WitteryTwittery · 08/10/2015 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DinosaursRoar · 08/10/2015 21:37

I would approach it with your PIL not "dont let them sleep at 5pm" but ask if they would mind putting the DCs down for a nap after lunch as they are struggling going so long - is it that your PIL don't want to distrupt their routines by being stuck in the house after lunchtime with napping babies so 'keep them going' while they get their jobs done, then have the DCs sleep when they are back/done - or is it they want to play with them still, so are in the house, but keeping them stimulated so they don't sleep at their normal time then crash at tea time?

I would not say "don't let them sleep at 5" but "can you make sure they get a lunchtime nap" (say 'lunchtime' not 'afternoon' as afternoon can easily be 5pm for some people).

Would the DCs nap in a buggy? If your PILs are struggling to get them to sleep in house at that time (before they are just falling asleep shattered), then perhaps providing a double buggy so they can walk them around would help.

What I would say as well, is this is probably a short term problem, you've probably got less than 6 months before they aren't napping in the day at all.

Topseyt · 08/10/2015 21:37

It does seem very odd to me to allow a nap at that time.

Have you gently explained to them the knock on effect it has on you all later in the evening and the following morning?

Maryz · 08/10/2015 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 08/10/2015 22:01

2 is an awkward age for naps. Are they napping twice on those days - or pushing through to 5 then collapsing?

Lovetunnocks · 08/10/2015 22:06

It doesn't happen every day so would it be terrible just to keep them asleep if they are napping from 5-6. You say they're not hungry plus it's only an hour and a bit away from their proper bedtime so could you just skip the bedtime routine and let them sleep on. Even if they woke up early (5ish) it would be better for you all than having a broken night. But then I'm slovenly that way....

BrandNewAndImproved · 08/10/2015 22:12

It's free childcare so you have to suck it up or pay someone else.

My dnan put my dc into a routine when they were babies of going to bed at six, that was great when they were babies but didn't work out so well when they were 4/5. It worked for my nan to put them to bed earlier and get up with them earlier if she had them so I just grinned and sucked it up. It was annoying the next morning getting a 6am wakeup call but at the end of the day she did what worked for her.

I much prefered family helpers that were happy to have them and I did what I could to accommodate them.

Bellebella · 08/10/2015 22:14

It might not necessarily be their complete fault. My son is 2 as well and there are days he will just refuse to go for his usual nap. I can get him to sleep 8/10 but then I know exactly what works. At his nan's house, with a different surroundings and a different person it might well be harder for my mum to get him napping.

What are the reasons for the late naps?

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 08/10/2015 22:28

I know that those who say you are lucky to have a free childcare day are right, but it is so gawdawful when they won't sleep at night.

I have DS at nursery and constantly bang on at them to only let him sleep for an hour (and never after 2)because he just won't sleep at night otherwise. I don't understand why a 20 month only won't sleep at bedtime (his bedtime is 7/7.30 but if they get it wrong he won't sleep til gone 9!) in these circumstances but he just won't. Ideal nap would be 11 - 12, but that is nursery lunchtime, so it has to be 12 - 1/ 12.30 - 1.30 or around that.

Would ILs respond to begging? Or just a really clear explanation of what it is like for you if they have this late nap?

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