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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is unacceptable and to speak to the school about it

18 replies

OhSammyBoy · 08/10/2015 17:04

DS2(9) has come home from school today, and in the course of a conversation has revealed that he has been punched in the face by one of his friend. Hes got a split lip.

In shortish his friend was on the opposing team and was chanting about winning.
DS told him not to be a sore winner
The friend has pushed him.
DS has gone "ooohh rage"
The friend has punched him in the face

The teacher has witnessed this and had words with the 2 of them. He apparently has said to the other lad "I know DS is a pain, but that's not how you use violence".

For background there were several incidents last year where the friend has lost golden time for pushing, shoving and name calling to DS and just generally being unkind.

DS has exceptionally low self esteem (due to his dad choosing not to see him) and does tend to put up with stuff just because after someone will be nice to him.

Now I appreciate DS was wrong to essentially escalate the situation like he did, which I have told him, but surely that doesn't warrant being punched in the face, and the teachers response feels very like blaming DS for what happened to be honest which just doesn't feel on.

I am unhappy that
a) I wasn't told DS had a split lip when I collected him
b) It was done deliberately as opposed to an accident
c) The way the teacher dealt with it

WIBU to go in and speak to the school, and what should I be asking / saying (I am terrible with confrontation which is what I feel will happen here)?

OP posts:

EponasWildDaughter · 08/10/2015 17:09

Your best bet is to go in and ask pleasantly what happened. Listen carefully to what the teacher tells you and then you can work through your points.

Don't rigidly assume everything your DS told you is an exact version of what happened :)

noblegiraffe · 08/10/2015 17:12

A punch resulting in a split lip is a serious incident and you should have at least been informed. Phone the school tomorrow and ask what happened.

If the boy hasn't been punished beyond a talking to, that's unacceptable and you can query this, however you may not know the full story.

TheWitTank · 08/10/2015 17:14

They should have told you, absolutely. The punching was not on, and should have been dealt with more seriously (especially as it resulted in an injury). But your son was aware of what would happen -he continued to push/wind up this boy even after being pushed away. He obviously is aware this boy will be easily wound up with his track record. It was very goady and irritating. Teasing until someone snaps is bullying behaviour and I would be deeply unimpressed with my child.

Narp · 08/10/2015 17:15

I agree with Eponas

Narp · 08/10/2015 17:15

and the other two

SoupDragon · 08/10/2015 17:15

Your best bet is to go in and ask pleasantly what happened. Listen carefully to what the teacher tells you and then you can work through your points.

I agree with this 100%

Original poster

OhSammyBoy · 08/10/2015 17:16

That's my vague sort of plan.

Ring in the morning, and say DS has come home with a split lip, ive had his version of his events, but I wondered what the schools was. Then see what they reply and take it from there.

Tbf though, DS is usually extremely honest when he feeds back information like this, and I just don't really know what I want them to do - other than stop it happening as it appears to be happening more frequently and obviously if its moved to actual punching its getting worse - but I don't know the best way to tackle it.

Ive been generally unhappy with the school in general for the last few years, and did nearly move DS this year, but DS was really upset and after a giant meeting at the end of last term several things were put in place to try and resolve the issues, but it just feel like they are a bit disinterested.

Maybe im just not being pushy enough.

OP posts:

Mistigri · 08/10/2015 17:16

Being irritated by someone who can't win gracefully isn't "bullying" ffs.

You need to find out what happened, but I'd be less than impressed at a primary child coming home with a split lip with no communication from the school.

Narp · 08/10/2015 17:22

They should definitely have contacted you about a facial injury.
My school would have been obliged to do so.
A punch would result in serious consequences, whatever the reason.

BUT your son may be deliberately goading a child he knows to be short-tempered.

TheWitTank · 08/10/2015 17:34

My friends son has ADHD and a very short temper -he is also a big, strong boy for his age. It didn't take long for the other boys in his class to suss out how to wind him up and revel in the ensuing fall out/getting him in trouble. It became a game to push him until he lashed out. I personally witnessed this while they didn't know I was watching in the playground. He was trying to do football tricks on his own, three boys were whispering and then each approached calling him fatty and telling him his ball skills were crap, giggling and running away. Yes, he can be bloody irritating. Really. But he became the class amusement and only changed when he swapped school. Now his lashing out is virtually non-existant under better teaching/rules at new school.
I'm NOT saying for a second your son is a bully normally or that this is happening at all -I agree with your post about the school perhaps being the issue here and that you need to have a word with them and see if your son might be better elsewhere (as you already have doubts).

catfordbetty · 08/10/2015 17:56

Don't rigidly assume everything your DS told you is an exact version of what happened

I agree.

glamourousgranny42 · 08/10/2015 17:58

Tbh if you weren't told he had a split lip and you didn't notice it then how bad can it be?
However I think the boy was out of order punching your ds. Your ds however was out of order trying to wind him up. I would get the teachers version of what happened before you make a judgement

abbieanders · 08/10/2015 22:13

ive had his version of his events, but I wondered what the schools was. Then see what they reply and take it from there.

I wouldn't speak to the teacher like that. You're not their mother and it's not a court.

VelvetSpoon · 08/10/2015 22:19

Really not good enough by the school. Your child has been assaulted and suffered a visible injury. They should certainly have recorded it, and informed you.

Suggesting your son is at fault for 'goading' comes uncomfortably close to victim blaming. So if the other child had seriously hurt him, inflicted an injury requiring stitches, or broken a bone, would people still think that was the OPs DS fault?!

NinaSimoneful · 08/10/2015 22:44

Think the 'easily wound up' boy needs some help learning to deal with playground teasing better than pushing and punching. Should he have to put up with teasing? No. But there are ways to deal with teasing that don't involve physical violence.

saucony · 08/10/2015 22:53

at some of these replies. A primary school aged child was hit so hard that he split his lip. I'd expect the teacher to discuss it with the parent on the day, via email or phone if not at pick up time.

TheWitTank · 08/10/2015 22:58

Who here has said anywhere it is acceptable or right that the ops son was hit?! Nobody. It was just pointed out that it was wasn't right to deliberately wind someone up either. It certainly doesn't warrant a punch and nobody has said that.

Stompylongnose · 08/10/2015 23:01

I have a 9 year old boy and I would expect an explanation for a split lip. That's pretty serious.

Our school gives out a letter for bumps and would probably call about a split lip as Ds goes to and from school without me.

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