...To be pissed of with my OH 'bribing' our 4 year old with sweets?

[DreamingOfThruxtons]

My OH and I have some areas where our opinions 'diverge', shall we say. Broadly speaking, I exercise and eat healthily, and these things are important to me (especially at the moment, as I am pregnant).

He, however, is an extremely picky eater, likes what I'd consider to be junk foods, and no longer pretends to want to exercise. He has a very sedentary job, and so part of my concern is the lifestyle he is modelling to our daughter.

My daughter also has thin tooth enamel, which is a factor.

We had agreed that she could have sweets once a week- that day is 'treat day', and she gets to pick her treat. However, I think he's been giving her sweets every day when I'm not there.

What has brought this to a head for me is that this morning he said she could have a sweet if she got dressed for him in one minute. Now, getting her dressed (while I get dressed for work) is the only thing I ask him to do in the morning. I get up with her 6 mornings a week, sort breakfast, packed lunch etc: I have recently started asking him to wake up and get her dressed at about 8- I even hand over the clothes.

As I said to him this morning, she should be getting her teeth brushed in the morning as we leave- not eating sweets!

I'm aware that some of my irritation is down to frustration at him having let himself go in recent years; he's unfit, overweight, and his teeth aren't in great shape (he has to be sedated for dental work owing to accident-related nerve damage, so his solution seems to be just to not bother with it). Another good bit of it is the feeling that he is just dismissing my opinion and undermining me as a parent, and I doubt my daughter hasn't noticed. I can see that for her, the lovely, sweet dispensing Daddy can do no wrong..!

So... AIBU?

(PS- I've made him sound a real catch, haven't I? Obviously he has many fine qualities etc etc, but... this is definitely not one of the areas in which he shines..!)

So... no takers?

Well f*ck me- I can't even get a flaming on AIBU. I'm off to pinch myself and check for a reflection in the mirror!

I think no ones answering because it's hard to answer OP.

On the one hand no he shouldnt be doing it because you've agreed together not to. On the other hand the odd sweet for an easier life is very appealing.

There is no obvious answer, to me. YABU and YANBU

the feeling that he is just dismissing my opinion and undermining me as a parent

Goes both ways.

YANBU....Just. I'm in a similar situation with DH and myself, I'm "big-is" on healthy eating and exercise, and DH...is not. LOL. We also had very different upbringings, everything I ate was controlled, DH ate whatever he wanted. As a result, I've got major binge eating issues and DH doesn't. He doesn't always eat well because he's on the road a lot with his job, but he doesn't binge eat crap like I do. So generally I do try to limit how many sweets DH gives the kids, but I also try and step back and let the kids have a treat. I'm not sure I made sense there. :)

My husband does similar. Winds me up too!

In fact, you probably need to start a thread to talk about how you can get your dh to sort his health problems

Can someone start that thread?! What I wouldn't give to get DH doing some exercise.

I actually think it's pretty poor that he can't get his one task done without bribery. I assume you'd also prefer an easy life but if you gave her sweets for each task you need her to do she'd be in trouble. It's laziness on his part and will make things harder for you in the long run when she starts refusing to do anything without an unhealthy pay off.

I also agree that linking food and reward is a step towards unhealthy attitudes to food in the future.

I'm not opposed to bribery but sweets at breakfast is fucking shit parenting and very poor modelling

Well, i think you are both being a bit unreasonable re: the message about food.

Treating sweets like a fabulous treat, only to be allowed once every 7 days is putting them on a pedestal for your DD, and she may well rebel once she has control of her own habits.

On the other hand using sweets as a bribe is doing the same thing.

Better to lessen the 'big thing' attitude from both of you about sweets i recon.

I don't think YABU. I'd be pissed off too. It's one job on a morning, I'd be annoyed if he couldn't manage it without resorting to bribery (even taking the sweets out of the equation for a minute) when you're clearly doing everything else!

Half the replies would be LTB, the other half saying "he's an adult, he can do what he likes".

Very true, forgot where I was for a second. My DH isn't depressed, he's just lazy and thinks he's still the slim young thing I married. ;)

Ooh- replies!

Thank you, definitely some stuff to think about there. I probably do need to relax a bit- which is not to say that I don't give my daughter 'treats' from time to time, but I do try not to use them as bribes, or 'put them on a pedestal' - though I do kind of fail at not being tense about it at times, so... yes. Fair points.

Yes, OH has been taking meds for depression; perhaps I should have mentioned this. However, I also have a long history of depression: this is one of the reasons I take care of diet and exercise, as it has a huge effect on me. I've been trying to help him out of it for the last two years- in many ways, this has meant me doing everything and letting him off with a lot of stuff because of it. A separate thread, I think (as mentioned), but let's just say my patience is wearing a bit thin: and I worry about the long term effects on my daughter re: food and self gratification.

thefitfatty- I have considered buying a Taser for motivational purposes. What do you reckon?

I only allow sweets as treats. "Bribing" a child to get dressed quickly, which okay they won't always do and it is a pain in the bloody arse at times, is a slippery slope as it is something that is expected of them, in terms of general behaviour, rather than them being rewarded for doing something especially good or above and beyond.

XH would reward DD for this sort of thing, then I'm the bad guy for not giving chocolate because she put her toys away or something! I sympathise.

PS Argh- just noticed typo in thread title. As I am sad, I must point out that this is because I have a dodgy keyboard that seems to require a damned good thrashing in order to spit out each individual letter. Gah.

I have considered buying a Taser for motivational purposes.

I think that sounds like a fantastic idea.

What about a positive reward system without sweets. Instead of sweet bribe she gets a marble in jar then so many get a treat - day out, book ect

Thank you, Purplepoodle. This is something I have mentioned before. I might just go ahead and buy some marbles etc...