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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To lie to my friend?

31 replies

ElderlyKoreanLady · 07/10/2015 19:43

Long story short, a fairly close friend has just messaged me asking to borrow some money until tomorrow. I've lied and said I don't have it. I feel like a shit for lying now and I'm not even sure my reasons for lying justify it.

I've lied because:

I would have had to give her my bank card as I don't really carry cash.

The money is almost certainly for booze. Not a problem in itself but by her own admission her drinking is getting problematic (every afternoon, right into the evening).

The reason she can't afford to buy it herself is because she's heavily subsidising her ex (his comparatively expensive car was financed in her name because he couldn't get credit but he hasn't been paying her, for example.) She's also been giving him money for his rent, white goods, petrol, and even short holidays. We've been discussing her finances a lot recently because she's struggling and I'm quite good with money but she doesn't seem to be able to say no to him and is throwing good money after bad.

I'm a single mum currently on benefits. Even though I'm good with money, none of it is exactly spare. Because of her issues, I know there's a chance I won't get it back.

How big a cow am I? Should I have done something different?

OP posts:
CasualJersey · 07/10/2015 19:44

Are you serious?
Not a cow

JeffsanArsehole · 07/10/2015 19:45

There is no way you should have done anything different. Ever.

Ineedtimeoff · 07/10/2015 19:46

never a borrower or a lender be - A great phrase to live by

Don't feel guilty. You are under no obligation to lend money to your friend.

Sighing · 07/10/2015 19:47

No. You've made a perfectly rational call. Offering to help her plan her spending might be a future thing you CAN do. But you're not in a position to sub her drinking or her ex.

CremeEggThief · 07/10/2015 19:48

YANBU.

BumpPower · 07/10/2015 19:48

If you would have to give her your bank card then saying you don't have it isn't really a lie! You are not moral obliged to loan cash to your friends think no more.about it!

SacredHeart · 07/10/2015 19:49

Only lend what you can afford to lose, that's my motto.

So no, you did the right thing for you.

MagicDucky · 07/10/2015 19:55

YANBU you're probably helping her realise where she's going wrong

Original poster
ElderlyKoreanLady · 07/10/2015 19:55

So the lying isn't massively twatty? I'm normally painfully honest but she's not really been listening to my advice and I didn't want to get into it all again because it could have been quite brutal.

OP posts:
MissMarpleCat · 07/10/2015 19:57

Yanbu, I can't believe she asked to borrow money from a single mum on benefits Shock bloody cheek.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/10/2015 20:00

Bloody hell op, you've had a narrow escape. Noway woukd I trust a person like hat with my bank card

Clobbered · 07/10/2015 20:01

She's in deep doo-doo, isn't she, what with drinking, needing to borrow money and having a sponging ex on her hands. You are not in a position to help her financially, and all that would happen is that you would be dragged into her mess and end up out of pocket yourself. So you've done what's best for you and yours. Don't think anything more about it.

happystory · 07/10/2015 20:02

No way, please don't feel bad.

RiceBurner · 07/10/2015 20:05

YANBU ... but I'd be tempted to just tell her "sorry, no I'd rather not lend you any money right now" rather that make up an excuse re having no money. But it depends on how worried you are about possibly losing her as a friend. (As the truth can be hard to hear for some ppl, while for others they might appreciate your honesty?)

Cornettoninja · 07/10/2015 20:09

Lending till tomorrow doesn't sound to me like a massive emergency. Generally speaking there is very little people can't do without for 12-24 hours....

Yanbu anyway, you don't want to and that's enough of a reason, but if it stops you feeling bad know there is nothing she can't survive till tomorrow that would be solely dependent on any cash you could lend overnight.

Seriouslyffs · 07/10/2015 20:11

Don't feel bad.

captaincake · 07/10/2015 20:31

YANBU. I would have done the same or similiar. Don't feel bad about lying sounds like she lied to you first by saying you'd get it back tomorrow

Rivercam · 07/10/2015 20:35

You are under no obligation to loan your friend some money. Don't feel guilty. There have been several threads on mn about how people have loaned money, and have never got it back.

SoleBizzzz · 07/10/2015 20:37

YANBU

Good on you for sticking to your decision and boundaries. :)

mrstweefromtweesville · 07/10/2015 20:46

Don't be ridiculous! She shouldn't have asked. You should never give anyone your bank card. What she's spending the money on isn't really relevant, except that if she'd needed food for children, you might have provided the food not the cash.

You have not been unreasonable at all. You have been cautious, sensible and responsible. It was hard, but you did it. Well done.

justmyview · 07/10/2015 20:54

Lending (say) £10 until tomorrow would probably be the thin end of the wedge. Good choice to say No

Kafri · 07/10/2015 21:14

I learned a good lesson where lending money is concerned - Never lend what you can't afford to lose!!!
Defo not a cow - very sensible IMO for a number of reasons.

CrapBag · 07/10/2015 21:20

YANBU. I'm surprised you thought you were. You know it wouldn't be a loan anyway so don't feel bad.

catfordbetty · 07/10/2015 21:26

I can understand why someone might feel bad about lying to a friend - whatever the circumstances. However, I think I would have done exactly the same thing in your position.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 07/10/2015 21:30

OP, given the reasons, you must know yanbu. I doubt anyone's going to say otherwise.