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Original poster

My parents and their rows

15 replies

LavenderLedge · 07/10/2015 17:00

Warning - long post!

I feel like the worst daughter in the world. I'm 39 years old and my parents are in their 60s. They live about a mile away from me. They have a very difficult marriage; they have huge rows all the time.

When they argue my dad usually ends up at my door with his bags packed. This has happened about 6 times over the last year or two. It's unpredictable and means I usually have to go round and soothe my mum until they have a talk and he goes home and the cycle begins again.

I love my parents dearly and they've been good parents, I grew up surrounded by love; the arguments didn't happen then.

However, I'm under some pressure at the moment because my husband is in a new job with longer hours, our son has behavioural issues and I have health problems that are being investigated but which leave me physically and mentally exhausted trying to run the home and work full time.

My dad pitched up at my door again last night with his bags. It seemed to be that this was for the long haul this time. Of course I let him in and made up the spare room for him. I fielded lots of nasty texts from my mum, some quite upsetting. In the end I had enough of reading them and just went to bed. I slept terribly and ended up being sent home from work today because I was all over the place.

On the way home I rang my dad and said I couldn't cope with this any more, that they needed to sort their marriage problems out without using my house as a drop-in centre.

Dad was very apologetic and he and my mum have now "made up" but I feel awful. I didn't mean to sound so harsh, it's just like everything closed in on me and I couldn't cope. I know my parents have a terrible marriage but I just wish they'd agree to separate and get on with it; I'm fed up of being stuck in the middle like this.

Please tell me, was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 07/10/2015 17:02

You are unreasonable to be enabling this nonsense. You need to be a good deal harsher. Tell them both they need to sort their own stuff out and you won't be replying to texts, putting anyone up, soothing anyone (FFS) or having anything else to do with this.

They both sound like they love the drama. Leave them to it and stop giving them what they want.

Toocold · 07/10/2015 17:03

You are not awful at all, they are being incredibly selfish, it really isn't your place to sort their marriage out. I feel for you as mine are separated. Make sure you take care of you and your family. They are being really unfair to you.

Clobbered · 07/10/2015 17:04

Not unreasonable at all, and it sounds like your Dad took it pretty well. Perhaps you need to have a talk with both of them, either together or separately and explain how their rows are affecting you. It might be the wake-up call they need.

SevenSeconds · 07/10/2015 17:05

You were not unreasonable. They were.

kissmethere · 07/10/2015 17:37

Yanbu, they are dragging you into their domestic. They're your parents ffs. My parents vent to me about each, my mum is terrible, and I just switch off.
Now you've said something use this as an opportunity to put an end to them involving you. Tell them their crap is upsetting your family life. They're not teenagers.

Sighing · 07/10/2015 17:56

YANBU. They are adults who must realise they cannot expect someone else to continue to handhold them through their problems. You have other priorities, and they need to be supporting you at the moment by the sound of it! Flowers

Original poster
LavenderLedge · 07/10/2015 18:04

Thanks folks - I feel a little better now.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 07/10/2015 19:22

Dont let him in, plenty of hotels if they want to be dramatic.

AnnaMarlowe · 07/10/2015 19:26

Go and see them both while they are 'made up'.

Explain that you love them both but that next time your Dad turns up with his bag he won't be let in and next time your Mum sends nasty texts you'll block her number.

And then do it.

Sparkletastic · 07/10/2015 19:30

They sound hugely attention seeking. Tell them to sort themselves out or separate and you will have nothing to do with it.

ThreeFrazzledFandangos · 07/10/2015 19:32

I agree with the previously posters, you were exactly the right amount of harsh.

Now whatever you do, do not apologise. They saw it from. Your side and it looks like your dad took it well and realise how their selfish behaviour is impacting on you.

Well done and next time tell them you will not be getting involved and close the door.

Duckdeamon · 07/10/2015 19:32

You need to set some better boundaries! And focus on your health.

NotOneIota · 07/10/2015 20:43

I was going to say what annamarlow said. Speak to them both while they're feeling sheepish. This drama seems to be their default position, and they may be so wrapped up in it they don't appreciate the impact it's having on you.

junebirthdaygirl · 07/10/2015 21:27

If they got on well when ye were young is one of them slipping into senility or anything that is causing so much trouble now. It's unusual to become a very high drama couple in later life l would think. why has their pattern of behaving changed?

LadyShirazz · 07/10/2015 21:52

Were they always like this, or just recently...?

Two thoughts come to mind for me:

  1. One or both are struggling with being "on top of each other" since retiring; or
  1. Dementia can first manifest itself as irritability, irrationality and combatitiveness, which could be leading to these blow outs...?
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