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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or more like Am I Being Foolish?

30 replies

Snoozebox · 07/10/2015 10:49

I met this guy very recently online and we've been Skyping each other every day. He started hinting heavily about me going over to meet him (he lives in another country) and telling me about the local hotels etc.

He lives with his family and I know he's not married.

Is his crazy?? I fancy him so much and just want to make everything we've been imagining to each other come true. Any safeguards I should know about? It's all so fast!

OP posts:
Wigglebummunch31 · 07/10/2015 10:53

How long have you been talking to him, how do you know he isn't married? I wouldn't do it.

Cel982 · 07/10/2015 10:57

I'd take it very slowly. He could be lovely, of course, but just knowing someone online it's harder to really tell. If you do consider going to visit him, please don't go alone - could you bring a friend for a weekend visit maybe? Being on your own in another country if things don't work out as planned could be very unpleasant.

DonkeyOaty · 07/10/2015 10:57

Well

If you must go please book into a reputable hotel. Only meet in public places. Take a friend abroad if poss.

But really I wouldn't bother. Get meeting folk in RL - join local community choir, dust off your clarinet and find an amateur orchestra , restart badminton club, try conversational french classes.

?

Spartans · 07/10/2015 10:59

How do you know he lives with his family and is not married?

I find it very hard to verify things like that over the Internet. Or indeed any facts about people.

I would be very cautious about this

Sighing · 07/10/2015 11:01

With all caution. Do not be rushed. Plan for next year perhaps, if you're still chatting etc. Is it a country you would visit? Can you travel with a friend? What is the travel advice for that country?

HackerFucker22 · 07/10/2015 11:02

Depends on the country and his whereabouts in said country.

If it all went tits up I wouldn't want to be in the middle of nowhere with a serious language barrier.

Original poster
Snoozebox · 07/10/2015 11:04

It's a place I've always wanted to visit anyway. Very safe area. He's a student who still lives at home so really doubt he's lying about his marital situation!

I just want some fun....I can't help thinking you only live once!

OP posts:
GloGirl · 07/10/2015 11:05

Yes, what country? I've got to be honest I would want him to visit me. If he can't afford it I would worry I was being scammed.

You go over, have a lovely holiday, feel loved and then start sending him money for his visa etc. This is how magazine stories start.

Original poster
Snoozebox · 07/10/2015 11:07

No visa scam...his country is more economically well off than mine!

OP posts:
trulybadlydeeply · 07/10/2015 11:13

Why won't he come over to visit you? Why does he have to hint bout you going over there?

JessieThom · 07/10/2015 11:16

This kind of thing is so difficult, like others who've posted my gut reaction is "Nooooo! Be careful!", but many many people meet online these days and end up very happy.

The only thing I would say is that my personal preference would be for him to visit you, or at least to discuss which way 'round would work best and why. I'd then want to split the costs of the travel either way.

I second those who've suggested taking a friend - particularly if you're going to him and not splitting the fare; In this instance I'd make it a holiday somewhere nearby for you and a friend and arrange to meet him for just a day in the first instance. If it goes well, you can then choose to incorporate him into your plans with your friends.

I suppose the other thing worth adding though is what kind of relationship you see this developing into - if you're just after some fun, then make sure you keep yourself safe (physically, emotionally and financially) but go for your life. If you think it could be something more significant than that then I'd take it very slowly and give yourself time and space to follow your gut if/when you meet him.

Original poster
Snoozebox · 07/10/2015 11:19

I don't think I'm out for anything serious. I'm newly single and he's younger (hence I'm the one travelling...he isn't earning yet).

It sounds really sad but I'm very independent and don't like travelling with others..I'm always worrying if they're having a good time. I don't want to drag a friend along while I'm obsessing over this!

OP posts:
Spartans · 07/10/2015 18:29

It really depends on the situation and how much you actually know about him. Not what he has told you and you have accepted, how much you actually know to be fact.

I would recommend anyone meet up with someone they know only over the Internet, alone tbh

pigsDOfly · 07/10/2015 18:41

From what little you told us you know no more about this man than you do about any of the posters on here. How do you know who he lives with and that he's not married? Or come to that how old he is? Because he's told you?

He might be lovely, but he might not and all the advice about meeting someone in person who you've chatted to on line would pretty much fly out the window if you're in his country on your own.

This seems like a very bad idea to me.

wasonthelist · 07/10/2015 18:55

Yes you are being foolish (imho) but there's no law against it :)

Muckogy · 07/10/2015 19:35

i'd be very, very wary.

you could go on a holiday and meet up with him, taking the usual precautions, of course.
i would only go for a short visit.
i absolutely would not arrange to stay with him. otherwise, you will be under a compliment.
he may not be who he says he is.
tread very carefully.

Duckdeamon · 07/10/2015 19:36

What's the point? There will be lots of sexy men closer to home to meet up with.

Muckogy · 07/10/2015 19:36

which country is it? is it outside the EU?

Original poster
Snoozebox · 07/10/2015 19:39

It's in the EU. I was going to book a hotel...

OP posts:
Muckogy · 07/10/2015 19:45

is it somewhere in southern or eastern europe?

book a hotel. then he can come there for sex. TBH it sounds like that's what he's after. is that why you don't want a friend tagging along? if you are on the same wavelength as him then, what the hell.

whois · 07/10/2015 22:42

If you're free and single, want to go and can afford the trip then why the hell not?

Just be safe. Book a hotel. Have him meet you there not at his house. Make sure you have an agreed check in with a friend via text or phone just in case.

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2015 22:49

Arrange a few days at a hotel in a different country to where you both live.

If he's that into you, he'll save up and look forward to it.

Otherwise it's just you doing the running round and shelling out for planes/hotel etc.

TheCatsFlaps · 07/10/2015 23:36

Don't worry, OP. We'll keep an eye out on the news for a woman being found in eastern Europe, face-down in an icebath missing a kidney and spleen.

Fatmomma99 · 08/10/2015 00:21

Unlike others here, I think go for it. What's there to lose? You might discover a new country!

If you can't/don't want to take someone with you, make an arrangement to call in with someone.

My note of caution would be that when we meet someone we find attractive and then click with, we risk overly investing, and putting all our 'norms' onto them and hoping they are their 'norms' too. When you don't really know someone but have some commonalities, we tend to fill in the 'blanks' in ways we like, without knowing the person properly. This can end up as a real shock. So do be cautious.

Good luck. x

Senpai · 08/10/2015 06:37

As much as everyone hates to admit it, as a woman you're much more vulnerable in a new place on your own especially with a man you truly don't know. It's very easy to remain charming in a Skype when you can get a break from putting on an act.

I'd have him come to you, and if it's all the same to spend money on a ticket and hotel you could buy his. If it's not what you wanted or expected, well you're on home turf iykwim.