To cancel MIL babysitting?

[needingtovent]

Next month my DP has a significant birthday. MIL has offered to stay at our house to look after dc (she lives in another county) as I have arranged a spa weekend with us, DP's closest friend and his DW. I never asked for her to 'babysit', she made the offer when we were talking about his birthday a few months back. That is the situation now.

A bit of backstory, to try and put things into perspective....

MIL has a terrible habit of letting us down. When I was pregnant, and through mat leave, she made many offers for childcare and many promises. We never asked, always took the attitude that we chose to have dc so childcare is our problem. All throughout we kept asking if she still wanted to stick to what she had offered and gave many, many opportunities for her to back out. Even said out straight that we needed to know if she wasn't 100% happy with what she has offered so we could arrange childcare, as it's easier to sort ahead of time. No, she said, she meant what she said and she wants to help.

Fast forward to my first month back at work.......4 times in that month she let us down, citing precarious reasons 'I can't pick up dc as your father has booked us a table to go out', 'I can't pick up dc as the traffic will be really bad at that time of day' etc. In that first month I used up all my carers leave as I had to leave my shift to pick up dc (she always gave very little notice, either the night before or on the actual day). In the end, I went on permanent nights as I was finding it impossible to sort out childcare at such short notice At this point in time I was NC with my family (just in case anyone was wondering why my family didn't help).

Last weekend was the latest let down. Both my DP and I ended up being booked to work on Sunday. This is very rare, we are normally very good at marrying up our shifts to stop this happening. DP happened to mention on the phone to MIL that he will take Sunday off. Her response was 'Oh, don't do that, I can come and look after dc for you'. DP said not to worry, he was due a day off anyway but she insisted that she would come and look after dc. On Friday came the phone call...'I just wanted to let you know that I won't be able to look after dc on Sunday, it's too far to come and return in one day'

So my AIBU finally .....I have spoken to DP and now revealed his birthday surprise I really wanted to surprise him on the day but, after the weekend, I really feel I can't trust MIL not to let us down at the last minute. My mum, who we are now back in contact with, has offered to have dc for the weekend and I know my parents won't let us down. I said to DP that I would like him to tell his mum not to worry about the weekend as I have made other arrangements. He doesn't want to do this as it 'may upset her'. AIBU to cancel her and use my mum instead?

Of course, you should organise the childcare that is going to actually happen. Your MIL will kick off presumably, but, really, so what?

My mother is like this. Offers to do things or buy things or organise things and then drops out at the last minute. And is mortally offended if you mention it. You just have to get out of the habit of expecting anything from these types.

Your DH needs to accept that his mother will let him down. It's painful and hard to face, but that is the reality. Once you've dealt with that (easier said than done), then you can move on and not be affected by the unnecessary drama.

MIL persistent let downs was a big deciding factor in our 'big move'. If she had been the support network she continued to make out she was, I don't think we would have moved. When we moved she accused us of taking her grandchild away from her. That was the only time I heard DP tell her how it was.

There is a little more backstory to this.....if only I could find the post......which will make things a little clearer. I don't want to drip feed and cause MN suicide but there is another issue surrounding MIL and ds which involves my dsd. I didn't really want to bring that into it because I didn't want to open the whole step-mum can of worms but it is relevant to her accusing us of taking her gc from her!

Shit! Look at the time! I have to get to work

If anybody finds the post I keep mentioning please link to it. It's on the thread 'Can't say it in RL? Say it here' but my search skills are terrible and I have now run out of time!!!

I will be back this evening, everyone have a good day

your MIL is a total flake and your DP is a mummys boy who would much rather upset his girfriend than his mother.
I'd tell them both to sod off and go on the spa weekend without either of them.

You cancel his mum. Take your DH out of the equation. You have organised this weekend so you are organising the childcare and you want it to be reliable childcare.

Don't ever accept her 'offers' again. It is a waste of everyone's time.

Either put your parents on standby and give MIL One Last Chance, or ring her up and cancel yourself. Just breezily tell her thank you ever so much for offering, but your parents have asked to do it and as they've looked after DC for whole weekends before there'll be no problem, and you've said yes.

All done. All secret out of the cupboard.

''I actually feel so sorry for my DP. He is fully aware of her flakiness but doesn't seem able to tell her straight.''

Why do so many men pussy foot round their mothers?

You could even call MIL. "Hey MIL, are we still on for the baby sitting weekend? Just want to make sure so I can make alternative plans if not, we were left in a bit of a pickle the other Sunday." Gives her a way out. If she says yes and then cancels the day before you use the stand-by and can say to MIL on the next offer "No thank you, we really need to know it's happening this time, so we will ask my dm"

If I were you I would have my Mum on standby but if/when MIL rings to let you down make a big thing of how of "Oh No! The weekend is ruined we will have to cancel and will lose so much money. This will completely ruin poor DH's birthday. I don't know how I am going to break the news to him" And so on. Do your best to make her feel bad at how flaky she is and then never, ever accept childcare offers from her ever again.

Has she ever not let you down?

If she always lets you down the get your mum to do it. Then when mil inevitably rings you simply sigh and say "Yes that's fine. I knew you'd do this, you always do so I've already arranged for my mum to have the kids. Enjoy your lunch/afternoon."

If your DH won't fo it then it's up to him to find alternate childcare for when the inevitable happens. I don't see why your parents should be kept dangling!

I'd do what movingonup suggests but be even more dismissive when she calls to cancel. Total surprise that she's even bothering to let you know, as in "oh, of course we weren't expecting you to do it. My mum is having him" That will really confuse her. She obviously doesn't care that she's letting you down.

The trouble with not "cancelling" her till she cancels is that it gives her the idea that you also see babysitting as a wishy-washy commitment. If you cancel her now (with a civilised amount of notice), that shows how you want time to be respected.

I don't see the point of joining in the pretence that your MIL and DH engage in. MIL is not going to babysit. Just cancel and have your parents do it.

You have to be fair to your parents, too. Why should they have to have an uncertain situation to spare flakey MIL's feelings? Let them know they are babysitting.