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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to keep the truth to myself.

55 replies

Justacleaner · 06/10/2015 11:54

Long time lurker... be gentle.

The company I work for is an extremely small cliquey place and the director is prone to pick favourites. His wife works in the HR department and his two daughters on reception.
Last weekend DH and I went to a gig a good 50 miles away from our home which required an over night stay.
As we turn up at the hotel we have booked I spotted directors car in the car park and commented how I hoped boss and wife wasn't at the same gig Hmm
We grabbed our bags and went to check in and sat in the bar was the boss with our 18 year old male office junior.
We all spotted each other and we all panicked a bit. I just turned and walked up the corridor which maybe looked like I was storming off in anger. I wasn't though I was just shocked to see them together.
DH later told me boss had approached him and told him that they were at a work type conference in the area.
The office junior Is very very openly gay and by the sounds of his stories hes a bit promiscuous.
Anyway Monday morning at work he pulls me into the office and asks if I had a good weekend. And suddenly launched into a speech about the conference and how it was a waste of time. Best not mention it too wife as she will think I'm wasting money etc.
From then he's been overtly nice. The other office girls are a bit Hmm because I've never been a favourite, I just blend in.
The junior has been dying to get my attention and keeps asking to go and get lunch with him. I'm sure he wants to give me gory details (vom) and swear me to secrecy. I'm quite happy to believe they were at a conference. head in sand
Aibu in telling him I won't tell his wife what I saw if we can just go back to normal and him and the junior leaves me alone?

OP posts:
SpringTown46 · 06/10/2015 13:54

How long before his 'niceness' towards you starts an alternative rumour..? I'd be looking for another job, and expect an excellent reference.

Cel982 · 06/10/2015 14:00

I'm kind of Shock that people seem to be seriously suggesting blackmail.
If it were me I'd have a quiet word with the boss: "Look Dave, I've no intention of telling anyone that I saw you and Julio last weekend, it's none of my business. I'd appreciate if you'd just go back to treating me normally around the office, as singling me out like this is making people talk."

Original poster
Justacleaner · 06/10/2015 14:03

I'm not too bothered about rumours. Im not really friends with anyone outside of work as they are all young and single whlist I have a family to keep me indoors.
I genuinely love my job, and I think I'm good at it. If he was to sack me I'd kick up a riot. I'm worried though if it ever gets out he will look to me first.

OP posts:
Booyaka · 06/10/2015 14:12

Hang on, you saw them together in hotel. That means the sum total of fuck all. They may well have been there on a business trip, it could be part of mentoring him.

I actually feel really uncomfortable about this. Because the OP has assumed that because the fact that in her view he is openly gay and by her judgement 'promiscuous' the only reason he could be in a hotel with his boss is because they're fucking each other?

I wonder what posters would say if it was an 18 year old girl that the OP was assuming was fucking the boss because she was a bit of a slag?

It's unsurprising it's really awkward, because the OPs reaction would have made it abundantly clear what conclusion she'd jumped to.

I really do think there is a strain of homophobia to this; eg gay man in the company of another man must be having sex with him. There are a million and one other reasons why they might have been there.

Gileswithachainsaw · 06/10/2015 14:17

agreed boo

I would also have to travel a fair distance to attend a gig.

and if I couldn't face getting the train at midnight or fancied a drink a hotel would make perfect sense.

on its own it's not enough to question anything.

sliceofsoup · 06/10/2015 14:17

That would all be true Booyaka, if it weren't for the boss's behaviour since OP returned to work.

If they were at a conference and all was above board there would be no reason for it to not be mentioned to the wife. She works for the company after all.

NorksAreMessy · 06/10/2015 14:21

Ummm, what?

Gileswithachainsaw · 06/10/2015 14:22

Unless the wife is likely to jump to sane conclusions as everyone else?

going by another thread many many people assume that a man and a woman can't be friends without some kind of attraction. and it's not a huge stretch to think that a promiscuous gay friend would provoke similar uncomfortable feelings. especially of ot turns out the man has had a relationship or feelings for another man in the past. which may or may not be the case we don't know.

Booyaka · 06/10/2015 14:25

I can kind of understand his behaviour even if it was entirely innocent. If she'd walked over and said 'Hi you two, fancy seeing you here, what are you up to' like she would have done if both men were heterosexual the whole thing would probably have been entirely a non-issue.

As it happens the OP turned on her heel and walked out which made it very obvious what she thought. That's what has created the awkwardness, the OPs immediate and obvious jumping to conclusions. Even if she was completely in the wrong he might panic rumours are going to start.

Stillunexpected · 06/10/2015 14:31

I don't think them being there together is in an of itself suspicious. However, the bosses behaviour since then is definitely suspect. He asked the OP not to say anything to his wife about the conference as it was rubbish and a waste of money. So where did he tell his wife he was going on a Friday night overnight if he hadn't mentioned the conference? And why would you take the office junior to a work conference? I think his cover story is fake and he needed to come up with something better than that!

shutupanddance · 06/10/2015 14:34

Don't go pn holiday with them and take snaps. Love Dr Fosterx

PeopleLieActionsDont · 06/10/2015 14:43

Why should the OP start looking for another job if this one suits her. It isn't her fault the boss has a dirty little secret and if she leaves then she is paying for his cock up (literally Wink )

I would get on with my own job and say nothing. But , if the boss turned nasty in the future or there was any move to ease you out, I would suddenly discover my voice and my solicitor!

TalkinPeece · 06/10/2015 15:01

There is always the possibility that his wife already knows. Stranger things have happened.

Carry on as if nothing was seen.
If the junior gets too OTT ask him - in front of everybody else - to stop trying to chat you up Wink

BUT
Do keep a detailed diary note at home of who, what, where, when, and all follow up behaviour, so that if they do try to edge you out, you land comfortably.

Original poster
Justacleaner · 06/10/2015 15:01

Like I said I'm perfectly happy to believe they were at an entirely innocent work related setting. In a romantic hotel. No where near where we work Hmm

OP posts:
squeaver · 06/10/2015 15:09

Wouldn't it be fairly easy for you to find out if there actually was a conference? For your own curiosity?

But I do agree with everyone. Keep your head down, other than to perhaps point out to him that he's drawing attention to himself by making a fuss of you.

Pseudo341 · 06/10/2015 16:27

Start looking for another job. The boss may be trying to keep you sweet for the moment but ultimately you're sitting on a secret that could destroy his life, he's going to want you out of the way eventually. Personally, unless I hated the wife, I'd tell her when I left, possibly even if I did hate her. I have massive massive issues with cheating and would feel extremely guilty being what I'd consider to be an accomplice to infidelity. I don't expect anyone else to agree with me on that though.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 06/10/2015 16:35

I can't imagine why spotting them in a hotel would cause panic? Why didn't you just go and politely say hello? Confused

But I'd pretend nothing had happened too. Not worth the fall out.

CalonDu · 06/10/2015 16:35

Agree with squeaver - my first port of call would have been DCI Google, and the possible conference options therein. If you can find one, then at least you can set your mind at rest.

After that, though, I'd look for another job, because your references will never be more glowing, and you won't have the horrible prospect of consoling your boss/the office junior in the loos when it all hits the fan, looming over you.

nephrofox · 06/10/2015 16:37

I would have lunch with the younger guy, just to see what he has to say and possibly get confirmation that this is an affair and not you jumping to wrong conclusion.

After that, I'm not sure, I'd probably keep the secret in return for an easy ride at work. Would maybe tell boss to tone down the Costa offers etc though as you risk people thinking there's something going on between you 2!

The80sweregreat · 06/10/2015 16:39

what Blue said! oh dear though, sad for his wife though.
let us know what happens. The others you work with are already cottoning on that something is going on I bet you. Not nice for you at all.

Berylpeep · 06/10/2015 16:49

Bloody hell, what a place to work!

And what are the chances of that happening?

Pay rise? Nicer office? Latté from Costa every morning?

Just kidding OP, just keep your head down.

As Janey, please update as necessary Grin

PacificMouse · 06/10/2015 16:54

To the posters who think is going on
Why on earth has the OP's gone all nice since she saw then together if there isn't anything wrong with that?
Why going to such length to be sure she doesn't talk to his wife?

Just that would ring alarm bells to me.

Weathergames · 06/10/2015 16:58

I'd want to know if my sexual partner was also having sex with a promiscuous Gay guy - I would want to know what risk I was being exposed to quite frankly.

BoffinMum · 06/10/2015 17:01

None of your business OP, unless someone has committed a crime.
Time to look for another job, though.

EBearhug · 06/10/2015 17:26

It's just making me really uncomfortable when he strolls in asking me if I want anything from Costa and ignoring the other five girls in the office.

You don't have to ignore them, though - "Hey, does anyone want anything from Costa? Boss is just offering to get us something." It would be difficult for him to back out of it, and it would probably only happen once, which would stop him making you uncomfortable that way. And if he did say, " No, I only meant you," you can just say you're the same as everyone else, and expect to be treated like the rest of them.

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