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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH is using his course to skip housework?

17 replies

ResGranny · 05/10/2015 20:48

We both work full time however he has just started an nvq which he does in his own time. We are supposed to do 50/50 house work but tonight ive made tea, done the online shop, made two days worth of packed lunch and cleaned the kitchen. He's worked on his nvq stuff all night but I was at work all day too. I told him he should still be helping me with stuff and he got angry, smashed the swear pig and has stormed off upstairs. When I did my degree I was still expected to do housework. Aibu?

OP posts:

scatterthenuns · 05/10/2015 20:51

Cutting him some slack now and then is a good idea. He's obviously very tired after such a busy day, so I'd be sympathetic to that on occasion.

However, his reaction was not on at all. Does he rage like this often?

DaimYou · 05/10/2015 20:53

When I was studying DH supported me by taking on the lion's share of the housework and I would expect to do the same for him.

It should have been agreed before the course started though and there's never an excuse for breaking things in temper (although I have no idea what a swear pig is, Maybe it's there t be smashed?)

madwomanbackintheattic · 05/10/2015 21:00

Aside from the fact that I didn't realize they were still flogging nvqs, he was being a twat. Has he got some coursework deadline and is crapping himself?

That said, working, studying, housework, childcare and all the associated bollocks is one giant stressfest. Time to sit down and set some parameters.

If he freaked out because he has a midnight deadline and four thousand works to write, I could be persuaded to feel a touch more understanding. And even then, you need to have the 'how are 'we' going to deal with your deadlines more effectively so that 'this' (surveys broken swear pig) doesn't recur?' Chat.

Sort out your family timetable so that you know both when it is okay for him to disappear, and when it is not.

Fratelli · 05/10/2015 21:01

He's doing an nvq, it doesn't require that level of work! If he didn't cut you any slack whilst doing your degree you shouldn't cut him any....equality and all that!

herderofcats · 05/10/2015 21:04

scatterthenuns - what about the op being very tired after such a busy day?!

Floppy5885 · 05/10/2015 21:04

Total overreaction on his part. I had to chuckle that he smashed the swear pig. Maybe you need to change to a swear tin and he can put £50 in for starters.

I think he should do a good chunk of chores but maybe not 50:50.

ilovesooty · 05/10/2015 21:08

Does his employer not allow him some time to complete assignments?

I think you need to negotiate. My last NVQ was very time consuming and even with support from work it took me ages at home too.

Senpai · 05/10/2015 21:09

But what's a swear pig?

Obvs. YANBU. Losing your temper like that is never acceptable.

Everyone is tired after long days, it's still important to pull your share and help things run.

scatterthenuns · 05/10/2015 21:23

I didn't say all the time, did I herder? I said occasionally. And on this occasion, it sounds like DH has a lot on his plate. I'd go as far as to say more so than the OP on this particular day, but of course I could be wrong.

Tomorrow, he can do it. Like an actual partnership, where partners do nice things for each other once in a while.

bnotts · 05/10/2015 21:24

My OH did an Open Uni degree. It nearly broke me. Every evening and most weekends he studied for 5 years. In that time we had two kids and I did everything while working full time, cleaning, cooking shopping and took the kids out. He also kept up with fishing weekends , gigs and festivals in any "spare time". He has just been awarded a first. In that time we have completely grown apart. You need to agree up front what the commitment is and how it will work. He admits I have done the lions share for a long time but we are really struggling to get back to equal shares.

Busyworkingmum71 · 05/10/2015 21:29

I am doing an MBA and my DH does the lions share of everything. I have been pretty useless recently tbh.

An Nvs may not be a degree or an MBA, but that doesn't mean he doesn't need to focus, doesn't have deadlines, and doesn't find it tough at times. We are all different.

I say cut him some slack, apologise, encourage him to chat through why he is so stressed and how you can work better together as a team to make it all work better for you both.

He shouldn't have smashed the 'swear pig' (wtf is one of those?) so he could some apologising too.

Busyworkingmum71 · 05/10/2015 21:30

Nvq not Nvs bloody autocorrect

ClashCityRocker · 05/10/2015 21:36

I must confess, when I was studying dh did the bulk of the housework at peak times. He never complained, and in fact encouraged it...however, I was aware of it and very grateful. It probably helped that dh had previously sat the same exams so knew the work involved!

I certainly wouldn't have smashed anything if he called me up on it. Also, I made sure to give up 'my time' over 'our time', IYSWIM.

you're not bu op. I think you need to have a conversation - life doesn't stop because he's studying, and it doesn't sound like he's done the same for you in the past.

Would a set timetable for studying help? It might help him with his studying anyway (says the woman who spent so long designing a revision timetable that by the time the exams drew near, I had the most beautiful timetable with all sorts of different coloured pens and keys, and had done feck all actual revision...)

Lweji · 05/10/2015 21:38

Did he still expect you to do 50-50 when you were studying?

When he calms down, I'd be reminding him of this and how he plans to achieve the same requirements now. Maybe not every day, but certainly compensating you for when you are asked to take over.

And that if he plans to react by breaking things and so on that he may end up fronting 100% at his own place...

gandalf456 · 05/10/2015 21:42

I think it would have been different if he'd done the same for you. It sounds as if you had to consider how to factor running the house with doing your degree and he, being a man, hasn't - and an now is far lower level than a degree

DaimYou · 05/10/2015 21:46

I thought you could do NVQs up to level 8, which is supposedly equivalent to a Doctorate. It might not be a "real" one but it's not right to say DH's qualification is necessarily a far lower level than a degree, we don't know which one he's doing.

ilovesooty · 05/10/2015 23:04

My last NVQ was a level 6 and one of my managers did a level 7 last year. He said it was the hardest thing he'd ever done and mine in terms of assignments was certainly harder than the essays I did for my degree.

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