How to explain NC with in laws to DD?

[Welshmaenad]

After ten years of chewing the inside of my mouth to shreds, I have gone NC with my inlaws. There's so much backstory it's impossible to go into without boring you all to tears, but I've come to the realisation that going NC is infinitely better for my mental health. It's not tricky to manage as they live the other side of the country and only visit twice a year for 2 days at a time. Their most recent visit was in May when I made myself scarce and they will be visiting in Oct half term when I will be out in the day at uni and can merrily occupy myself in the evenings with visiting my dad, shopping etc.

DC are 9 and 5. Ds is blithely oblivious to tensions but dd9 has recently started asking why I don't come on days out with ILs (they can't just sit in the house, they require constant entertainment and I stopped indulging thus some time ago), why I don't talk to them in their weekly phone call etc. so far I've satisfied her with explaining that I'm busy, etc, but she's a perceptive little beast and it's going to become obvious to her that I'm avoiding them.

What I want to do, because I have a policy of honesty with the DC, is to tell her that mummy and ILs don't really get along and that I don't want to spend time with them, or spoil the time DC and DH get with them; explaining that we don't always get along with everyone and just because I don't like them doesn't mean that age and her brother can't love them or that they're not good grandparents etc (they're not, but she can reach that conclusion herself in her own time, I don't want to get into badmouthing them).

WWYD? Am I U for wanting to take this approach, will it damage her relationship with them? She's very loyal to me and I don't want to influence her feelings towards them whilst she's so young - like I said, as she gets older I suspect she'll see through them herself. If this is a bad idea, how should I handle her questions? Advice from people who've gone NC but DC have continued contact would be very welcome!

Try to be honest, as much as you can.

You seem to have the right ideas!

You could also explain that they are 'daddy's family' not yours.

Thanks, Why. I've battled long and hard to get ILs to take even the limited interest they do and after losing my mum last year I think it's even more important that the DC feel secure in the relationship they have with the ILs whilst they're still so young. It's difficult to fully explain to DC why o have the issues I do with them as it centres around their stunning lack of interest especially when did was small (buggering off on holiday when dd was a newborn in nicu requesting that we email them daily to let them know she was still alive, as a prime example) but I think I'll just talk generally about how we just don't get along.

Thanks for your reply x

I agree with PPs that you should be honest with DC about the situation.

My parents were NC with DF's family, but it was never explained, and became some horrible big secret - all I knew was that DM got angry when DF family were even mentioned, and that DF would occasionally tell me (carefully selected) snippets, but always on the understanding that DM was not to know we had even talked about them. They were - and are - literally unmentionable. DGM (DM mother) did let some stuff slip during her final illness, and I was once hurriedly bundled away when my uncle (DF brother) visited our house unexpectedly.

DF has recently admitted that my parents thought they were protecting me by just not saying about it, but as you say children pick up on these things, and all they achieved was to create a unpleasant, secretive atmosphere.

First of all im really glad you are still supporting DH and DC to have a relationship with them. You are sbsolutely entities not to though.

My fathers parents and my parents fell out when I was a little older than DD1, I remember being confused that they didn't want to keep in touch with me and dsis. My dad did get back in touch after a few years and i see them occasionally now and have stayed at their house. So I'm glad your DC won't have to be in that position.

Be truthful, but not mean. What you've said about not getting on but not wanting to spoil the time DH and DC have with them is good I think. I probably wouldn't get into specific issues to DD, just be clear it's no ones fault (even though you think it is, like you said, you don't want to influence her).

hmm it's tough one. When I found out about the stuff between my mum and mums mil I struggled to look at nan in the same way again and distanced myself, even though I used to stay with her every weekend eat. mum tried to get me to continue my relationship with nan but it died off tbh as I couldn't get my head around how someone could dislike my amazing mum

I'm not sure at that age. Because they may feel like they have to take sides too.

I know when dm criticized my grandparents (both her own parents and IL) I found it incredibly difficult because I felt I should agree with her totally and stick up for her, when actually I wanted to love my grandparents for what they did for me.

And my dm didn't complain much, tended to be more a vent when things had gone wrong, and she never even thought about going NC. And I was older.

My ds was 5 and I hadn't had dd when I went NC with my Inlaws , I've always told them that we just don't get on and that they are dads family not mine . Even now my DC are 22 and 16 they don't know the exact details , dd still goes and visits ( only MIl now) about 2/3 times a year and DS hasn't seen her since FILs funeral 2.5 yrs ago , prior to that he saw them about once a year . DH goes over at least weekly for an hour or so .

This is my concern Witch - I really don't want her to feel like she has to pick a side. I'm NC with a few members of my mums family but have been since ore-DC and we have no contact at all so no need to worry about DCs feelings as they just don't know them.

I do want the DC to have that relationship, even though I have concerns about ILs very negative attitudes affecting them, previously I've been able to step in and tell them to shut up, now I have to entrust that to DH and he's not brilliant at standing up to them, but it's not enough of a concern for me to feel like they aren't safe, if that makes sense.

I think your approach is very good, but I'd possibly also say that it's fine for your DD to have a good relationship "they and I don't get on, but that doesn't mean you don't have to. It's good if you stay in touch"

Really I'd only say go NC for your children if they are actually toxic. If not, if it's just a personality clash, then you can say that, and that it's fine and it's good if they have a relationship.

You're giving them permission to still stay on good terms, and even encouraging it.