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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know IWBU to say this but how U

46 replies

Cantbebotheredtocutupfruit · 04/10/2015 19:20

DP has depression and I found out last week he had stopped taking his medication 2 weeks ago. This bout has lasted a year and he stops and starts the tablets. When he is bad he drinks too much, disappears all night and wont answer his phone to me. This happens on a weekly basis. He runs his own business and I work full time. We have a toddler and a dog.

We had just got past a month of him not drinking, I was starting to trust him again and basically unclench. Then I noticed his behaviour was deteriorating. He then admitted stopping taking his medication. He went to the Doctors on Fri and is now back on them but obviously they will take a while to settle again. In the meantime he wont get up, shouts at the dog, avoids our son and talks to me with a sneer on his face. Im doing all the night wakings with our son and am quite frankly exhausted with the lack of sleep, worry about him and stress at work. He quite often talks about ending his life.

This evening we argued about a favour my Dad was doing. Our son was in bed. I wanted a time to tell my Dad and he couldnt stop snapping. Eventually I snapped back and said he should go take another tablet. Obviously this was wrong but I couldnt take the bad attitude. He has now stormed out and i have no doubt he will stay out all night. I apologised but he said he couldnt even look at me. I dont know what to do/say now. Im just so cross that he stopped taling the tablets and the effect it has on us all.

I know it was a terrible thing to say.

OP posts:

FixItUpChappie · 04/10/2015 20:54

Mess = meds obviously

PiccalilliSandwiches · 04/10/2015 21:03

I grew up with a bipolar parent who would intermittently stop taking her meds leading to all sorts of horrible situations with police and hospitals. Single parent so us kids were left high and dry.

The mental health problems are an illness. The stopping meds is bloody selfish and utterly irresponsible. It was HELL growing up with this instability, please don't inflict it on your son. I am now NC with that parent because this pattern continues to this day.

Once he's stable, I'd tell him that if he stops his meds or drinks alcohol or stays out all night again, that's it, you're out. And leave. And allow only supervised contact. Claim your life back OP and your sons.

belleandboo · 04/10/2015 21:27

I know how you meant it and yes, it was nasty. But it sounds like you're being provoked beyond reason. What an awful situation . When he is taking the tablets, again, and can take responsibility, you need to have a serious chat about his choices. Not while he's like this though. I presume he's stopping them because of side-effects - perhaps there's a different medication he could tolerate better.

RiceBurner · 04/10/2015 21:46

You are more saint than sinner IMO, as you are doing your best in a diffcult situation, & you just couldn't hold it togther any longer.

So I completely see why you said what you said! (Not a great comment but entirely understandable.)

I hope your DP comes back soon, and that you can talk/sort it all out together and move forward in a positive way.

I know it's not his fault that he's ill, but he choses to stop his medication/go out drinking and like this he is pushing you to your limits.

So hope he gets the message.

But if things really don't get better long-term, and you conclude that you can't help him/save him, then you might have to think about saving yourself and your child instead ie would you be better apart? (But that's not a decision for right now I hope. And I hope it won't come to that.)

theycallmemellojello · 04/10/2015 21:51

In the circumstances, I think that I wouldn't worry at all about snapping. It was not an ideal comment, but an extremely stressful situation makes it understandable. I think that if the pattern of him coming off the meds and then drinking and acting out continues, then the relationship is sadly not sustainable. It's very sad that your DH has such problems, but if he cannot play the role of a loving partner or father then it's not helping anyone for him to stay. I'm so sorry for your situation - good luck.

Prettyeyedpiratesmile · 04/10/2015 21:58

OP you're at the end of your tether so please don't feel bad. Has he apologised to you? I can only imagine the strain you're under. I feel rubbish for you

Blu · 04/10/2015 21:58

Your life sounds really, really hard.

Where does he go when he stays out all night?

Senpai · 04/10/2015 21:59

Yeah, it's in the same camp as "Take another midol" to someone who's being bitching during PMT. Not a nice or constructive thing to say, but understandable considering the situation.

That said, depression or any other MH issue makes you struggle, it doesn't make you blatantly disregard everyone else's boundaries. I'm honestly shocked you're still with him. You have put up with more than most reasonable people would. That's not necessarily a good thing.

Depression or not, what he's doing is borderline abusive. You shouldn't put up with that.

I'd give him an ultimatum to be honest. He can either be a grown ass man and take his tablets, stop acting like a dick, and pull his own weight with his son. Or... he can go back to enjoying life as a single man. You shouldn't have to put up with this.

Original poster

Cantbebotheredtocutupfruit · 04/10/2015 22:19

He still isnt home and phone off. DS has only just gone to sleep. I now need to tidy up and get bags ready and then try to get some sleep. Im fairly certain he wont come home. No idea what to do with the dog tomorrow if he doesnt. No one to have him and suspect I will have to take him into office for a bit.

I try to be understanding but sometimes just want to shout "what about me"??!!! Im so stressed at work (have taken 1 week of leave off out of 5 so far and no sign of being able to take anymore), a sick dog and DP behaviour putting me on edge. If it wasn't for DS i dont know what I would do. Run away I expect.

Thank you for all your kind advice, given me a lot to consider x

OP posts:

emotionsecho · 04/10/2015 22:34

You cannot subject yourself to this for much longer, OP, otherwise you will be the one who becomes seriously ill. There comes a time when you have to put yourself first and protect yourself so you are not dragged into the abyss with him. You have children and that makes it even more crucial that you do not collapse under the strain.

You are not living your life, you are merely existing and lurching from one catastrophe to another and it is non of your making. Please give very careful consideration to the future for you and your children. Take care of yourself.

Morganly · 04/10/2015 22:44

I don't think you did or said anything terrible. He has an illness. He chose to stop taking his medication. His illness causes the problems with getting out of bed, not pulling his weight with childcare, work and housework etc but it doesn't excuse the "snapping" as you call it. Emotional abuse, could be another definition.

I would stop apologising. You are not in the wrong, you are at the end of your tether. Tell him you are at the end of your tether.

Epilepsyhelp · 04/10/2015 22:51

I agree with june and farfrom you are carrying more weight than any one person should ever have to and he had absolutely no right to stop taking his medication and drop you in it like this. He should be apologising unreservedly to you for messing up so badly.

I hope he turns up soon and I really hope he can find a way to lift some of the weight from you because stress is literally a killer and you are holding the world on your shoulders right now. Be kind to yourself

Topaz25 · 04/10/2015 22:58

He has a mental illness but he has a responsibility to manage it. He is not doing so and is taking it out on you. His behaviour sounds emotionally abusive. Especially saying he can't even look at you. What you said isn't ideal but you snapped under the pressure he has been putting on you and he hasn't acknowledged that, he's just trying to make you feel bad. I would seriously consider separation, at least temporarily till he has proven he can take responsibility for his issues. You can't keep on walking on eggshells and it's not good for your DS.

My ex fiance was mentally ill and abusive. Mental illness is not an excuse for abuse. He would also threaten to commit suicide, it's a control tactic. He's still alive. Never let that stop you leaving and living your own life. Suggest he talks to the Samaritans, his doctor or a friend about those feelings. There are other sources of support, don't let him put it all on you.

Topaz25 · 04/10/2015 23:01

BTW when I say he has a responsibility to manage his own illness and it isn't an excuse for him to be abusive I do say that as someone dealing with mental health issues myself so I get how difficult it is but I try to manage my illness responsibly and be mindful of the impact on others, especially as I know what it is like from the other side having been a carer for someone with mental health problems.

Maisy313 · 04/10/2015 23:21

Why is it such an awful thing to say? I think given what you are going through and his behaviour it is pretty bloody mild! You have a right to anger and feeling too, you are not a robot

Goldmandra · 04/10/2015 23:27

He knows that stopping taking his medication has a negative impact on his family yet he still does it without following medical advice.

If you say anything negative about him, he stays out all night with his phone switched off.

These two things are not results of him being depressed. They are him being selfish and manipulative.

Does him talking about ending his own life make you more tolerant of his selfishness? Could that be why he does it?

At some point you will need to draw a line between being supportive and being a mug.

OneMillionScovilles · 04/10/2015 23:35

Like many PPs I suffer from depression. I would be hurt if DH threw that comment at me - however I think his reaction was seriously OTT, and the amount that you're beating yourself up is unfairly predicated on that reaction. You really didn't do or say anything that bad, and we all reach the end of our tether at times. Hope you two can resolve it when he shows his face again - it sounds like you've been giving a lot.

damncat · 05/10/2015 09:21

Poor you. My ex DH (minus the D frankly) was depressed he had it off to an art form. Would not take his meds then accuse everyone , and I mean everyone, of plotting and talking behind his back. It was exhausting we couldn't have anyone round in the end. Then one morning he got up and left...taking the car, most of the furniture and the contents of the bank account. At the time we lived in the middle of nowhere in France and my DD's were 8,11/2 and 6 months. No further information did we receive, nor money for 13 years. And then he reappeared, exactly the fucking same, messed with the kids heads and caused more mayhem. I wish the bastard would take another overdose and do it properly.
You have my sympathy and IDNTYABU.

Blu · 05/10/2015 18:22

Are you OK OP? Did he come home?

winkywinkola · 05/10/2015 19:34

I really don't think it was that bad a thing to say at all! He needs to stop stopping and starting the meds and get on with it.

Is this relationship really for you?

missymayhemsmum · 05/10/2015 22:49

You are blaming yourself because this abusive git has got you treading on eggshells and trying to be superperfect so he has no excuse to storm off/ get pissed/ kill himself. Except that he always creates an excuse he can project onto you. And because you are exhausted he can always push you/ manipulate you to the point where he gets an excuse.

I think you need a break to get some rest and perspective on your situation and what's best for you and your child. Maybe go to your parents and tell them how it is, or stay with a friend. Call in sick or take holiday. Rediscover your real self a bit, and feel the sense of release when you are no longer living in depressive-abusive-world. Send him a text and say you'll be back in a week or so, probably.

Who is looking after your son while you work? Being ignored by a depressed and intermittently drunk parent is not a good childhood.

This man is not investing in his own recovery and is dragging your down with him. I'm afraid there comes a point where you can't keep him afloat, you can only choose whether he sinks your life and your son's too.

Sorry but I have been there and it is truly horrible, and while you are there you can't think straight, partly because you're so tired, and partly because he'll be making sure you can't think straight.

You could offer him a contract- marriage=meds and no booze.
no meds and booze=no more marriage. You know deep down what choice he'll make, but at least then it's his choice and you don't have to feel guilty about it. If you're going to do that look to your own and your son's safety as he will get dangerously angry, and you may need police and family back up.

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