For wanting what I don't have.

[beabea1982]

I'm a SATM to 2DC (3 & 20months) and have been in a happy relationship with my DH for 15 years. I have a good life, a lovely home and many friends.

I've suffered from anxiety and have had times of feeling low since my mum died 7 years ago of breast cancer. As an only child we were so close and I miss her more than anything. I feel like there is a gaping hole in my heart and I long for family to be around to fill it (my dad lives abroad and I rarely see him although I know he cares). I think all these feelings have got worse since the birth of my second DC and although I didn't realise until quite a long time after her being born that I was suffering from mild PND. I found it hard to cope with 2 under 2 and didn't bond as easily with her as with my DC1.

My DH is so supportive and always offers help and he lost both his parents himself so I know he is hurting too. I know I have MY family now to care for and I should focus on that. On top of that I don't deal with it well I always end up taking everything out on my DH and I don't know what to do. I hate upsetting him and all he wants is for me to be happy.

I don't think I'm depressed as on a day to day basis I get out and about with the kids, go to baby groups, have friends over for play dates and have a nice time. I just feel a sadness inside and wish I had family. AIBU, should I just move on and just make the best of my life. I have so much to be grateful for so why am I not.

Sorry for going on.

i know exactly how you feel because I'm in a similar position, my parents are both dead and at times I just feel overwhelmed with sadness. There are days when I just question why they had to die and imagine how wonderful life would be with them still here. I'm also sometimes jealous of people who still have their parents. iM not sure if the craving or longing will ever leave me.

Sorry to hear that things have been so hard for you in recent years, and for the loss of your mum.

You could be depressed. It is a lot to cope with, so I would hesitate to rule it out just yet. Perhaps a visit to your GP might help.

My DH has now lost both of his parents. I think he may have suffered a level of depression at times, though he is one who would never admit it and it seems to be easing now.

Do you have any good friends nearby who you could meet for a coffee and a chinwag? That often helps.

Your DC are still young, but very soon they will fill that gap once your conversations become more grown up with them esp once they start school and these feelings will subside

Also maybe reconnect and email your Dad more about general every day things that are going on or have a weekly catch up phone call every Sunday or something like that - my relationship with my dad changed for the better after I had my DC 18 months apart - it just kind of went from 0-60 - we talk more now than ever about all sorts of things we never really did before

Just tell him you need him right now more than ever even if it's just to hear his voice say hello

YANBU at all.

Yes, you have many great things in your life and a lot to be thankful for. But that doesn't mean you haven't had a lot of hard things happen too and it's totally normal to wish that the shit stuff wasn't there, especially around bereavement.

I have 3 fantastic daughters, a good and fulfilling job and a great social life. But I also have a whole fantasy world in my head where I also have a loving and supportive husband, my dad is still alive, my mum is in good health, I own my own lovely big home, I can work part time and I have all the disposable income I could wish for.

There's nothing wrong with my life but it doesn't stop me dreaming for more/better. I'd be amazed if there are many people who wouldn't say the same.

Of course YANBU.
Every now and then I get overwhelmed with sadness at the fact my parents aren't here to be part of my dcs lives, and, the fact that only my eldest has any memory of either of them, and that's only very vague. My parents died 12 and 13 yrs ago, so that's nearly twice as long as you.
Like you, I've got so many positives in my life, but it doesn't stop any of us wishing for something else - particularly something that is so "normal" to most people - that is, having your parents there.

This is such a sad thread. I feel so sorry for you OP. I think it's the type of sadness that you have to learn to live with. You are never going to stop missing her but maybe you will get better at dealing with it. You are at a time in your life where you are full of emotions and are probably quite tired too so I'm not supposed you are really missing her. I also think having young kids makes you think about your relationship with you own parents.

Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to feel sad, ask for help if you need it and enjoy your lovely family.

Of course YANBU. Be kind to yourself. Losing a parent prematurely is very sad and the sadness never leaves. You lose out on a huge source of support, as well as shared history from your childhood. Barely a day passes that I don't think of the parent I lost too young.

It sounds as though you've got a great DP, so try not to take it out on him. You may well be depressed and just going through the motions. No harm in seeing a GP about it.

Even though none can ever replace your DM, filling your life with lots of great people will give you a better support network, so spend time developing friendships with people you think could become a good friend.

for you op and all of you who have lost parents.

My parents have both passed away too, my dad died 6 years ago, my mum in February this year.

I still have many times where I just get overwhelmed by sadness. It's hard to put into words how I'm feeling a lot of the time.

Reading others experiences on this thread makes me realise there's nothing wrong with feeling the way I do. I sometimes give myself a hard time for feeling low when, like you op, I question what I've got to be sad about when I look at my DH and DCs.

I suppose it's just about giving yourself permission to feel the sadness when it comes, I think so much of my issues (depression and anxiety) come on when I'm pushing my feelings down rather than giving in to them.

Take the time to cry op, it'll do you good in the long run

YANBU

Don't dismiss depression, PND manifests in many forms.

In many ways I had a lovely time when DS1 was a baby, I made friends with some other mums, several close friends had babies at similar times, we got out and about, went to groups etc.
I still had PND, and a course of anti depressants really helped me come through it. It is worth getting yourself better so that you can enjoy the family you have :)

beabea what you describe is completely natural.

It's the orphan feeling. Although not technically, the close relationship with your mother makes it very difficult to adjust. My mother died 6 1/2 yrs ago and then I was made redundant a year later (almost exactly on the 1st anniversary of my mum's death - helpful).

I don't think the length of time makes it any easier, I think it almost makes it worse as the time becomes longer since you last saw them.

I describe it as being like a ship in the sea with no anchor, drifting.

Did you get any help with your PND? It's no joke looking after 2 under 2, so did you get any treatment? It's important not to ignore it. Why don't you talk to your GP about it? They will not be surprised/shocked, they see it every day.

to everyone, it's really pretty shit, isn't it, and for some reason it's hard to understand why we're sad, when it's actually completely understandable.