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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think about pursuing a relationship with this guy?

20 replies

Timeforanamechangey · 04/10/2015 14:05

There's a guy I have known for about 10 years, lovely bloke but always just been a friend to me.

During a recent conversation he made it clear that he has liked me for years (although never made it known it any way until now), and is serious about wanting to pursue a relationship with me.

I was a bit taken aback because it was very unexpected but now I know I find myself considering the idea.

There is a little problem though - he is my exH's best friend.

Well, I say best friend, they used to be best friends but they often fell out because dfriend didn't agree with exH's appauling treatment of me and would stick up for me, causing arguments between them. Since ExH and I split (over two years ago) dfriend has barely spoken to ExH as he is, quite frankly, disgusted by his behaviour so really they are no longer friends.

It's one of the 'rules' though isn't it, you don't date/get into a relationship with your partner's best friend, even if you split up!

Aibu for considering going for it? Would it be wrong of me to date exH's former best friend? ( Dfriend is single by the way, as am I, so there's no current partners to take into account! )

OP posts:

pictish · 04/10/2015 14:09

Is it one of the 'rules'? I don't think it is, is it?
I can't see a problem if you're attracted to one another. Your ex probably won't be pleased but it's not within his jurisdiction so there's nothing he can rightly do or say about it.

WorraLiberty · 04/10/2015 14:09

No it wouldn't be wrong, because as your post shows, they're no longer best friends.

What I might be a little wary of is the fact you're considering a relationship with someone you don't appear to have had an eye for in the past. Or have I got that totally wrong?

What I'm clumsily trying to say is, are you sure you're not attracted to him purely because he's announced he's attracted to you?

There should be a better reason than that.

PootlingBee · 04/10/2015 14:10

YANBU I don't think. If they were still close friends then maybe. I don't think you owe somebody who treated you appallingly really.

PootlingBee · 04/10/2015 14:11

*anything really.

XiCi · 04/10/2015 14:11

I've never heard of this 'rule' and know a number of people that are with friends of exes. I don't see a problem with this at all, especially as your ex and him are no longer close and it's been over 2 years since you split. Go for it!

Original poster

Timeforanamechangey · 04/10/2015 14:25

I know exactly what you mean worra, I've wondered that myself. I don't think I'm only interested for that reason but I think I'm finding it a bit weird because I've known him for so long but never looked at him in 'that' way before so I don't really know yet!

When I think about it he's really ideal actually, and my DC's already know and love him so that helps a lot. My eldest and dfriend's son are best friends so I think they'd be really happy if we got together. Maybe I'm overthinking things because he's 'exH's friend' in my head still?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 04/10/2015 14:39

Oh well that sounds like a good thing then.

I think the rule you're referring to, is only a rule between the two friends...not the person the friend wants to date.

Clearly this guy doesn't see your ex as much of a friend, so that means the rule doesn't stand

pictish · 04/10/2015 14:40

To be honest, you sound a bit like you're considering a rogue application for position that must be filled. Like it's a job that someone will have to do and it may as well be him because he already knows your kids.
Apologies if I'm reading that wrong.

laffymeal · 04/10/2015 14:42

I agree with pictish

BlahBlahUsername · 04/10/2015 15:30

OP says she has been single for over two years, so she hasn't charged straight into another relationship.

She's just pointing out other reasons why she thinks it could work between them.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/10/2015 15:35

Do you want to rip his clothes off... Because it sounds like you have a box marked boyfriend that you think he fits into. Do you find yourself wanting to lick his neck... Seriously, though, do you actually want to date him...

19lottie82 · 04/10/2015 15:39

I agree with MrsTerryPratchett...... do you actually fancy the guy? It sounds like you are just looking at his a position from a practical point of view?

jay55 · 04/10/2015 16:36

He took your side over the split. He sounds like a good guy. Go on a date, see what's there.

MrsRossPoldark · 04/10/2015 16:43

No harm in a few dates. It's got nothing whatever to do with your ex-DH as he's your ex for a reason. The friend isn't the reason so go for it!

Original poster

Timeforanamechangey · 04/10/2015 16:43

It sounds weird but I really don't know if I fancy him, I've just never thought of him that way before! I know we get on really well and have a lot in common and I was surprised at how strongly I felt when he told me.

Physically I would probably say he isn't my 'type' but then I've found that many times in the past Im attracted to someone who isn't 'attractive' to me physically because I like their personality so much and the closer I get to that person the more attractive they look to me. Sorry if that sounds weird it's the only way I can describe it!

I think the fact that my ExH has done a real number on me doesn't help. I'm really nervous about getting into another relationship and getting screwed over again so I'm very hesitant about getting with anyone, what their motives are etc. I'm about to start councilling to deal with some previous issues and I feel like maybe I should wait until I've got my head right before I consider it to make sure I don't screw things up.

OP posts:

Yarboosucks · 04/10/2015 16:52

Sometimes, one gets to know someone in a certain context that renders them out of bounds and one never looks at them in a sexual way. But then something happens and you reassess the person in a new context. It happens. You probably don't feel overwhelming lust for someone that you have grown accustomed to over a 10 year period. But that he has planted a seed and it could grow… You know he is not like your ex because he took exception to how your ex treated you and that is a big plus in my book. I also think that you can let your ex affect your past, but he does not need to rule your future.

Dogsmom · 04/10/2015 16:52

Could you go on a date but make it clear beforehand it's no strings, friendship is a good foundation to build a relationship on but it could feel a bit weird if you don't fancy him.
Have you ever seen that episode of Friends where Rachel and Joey start seeing each other? She finds the whole physical side of things too uncomfortable and even kissing him has her in stitches.

Original poster

Timeforanamechangey · 04/10/2015 16:58

Ha yes I have dogs it did occur to me that might happen!

I think you've got it in one yarboo, fwiw dfriend has been really good about the whole thing. I told him I needed some time to 'process' that information and we talked about it and he's totally cool with us just staying friends if I wanted to, he even said that he would be happy to wait for me if I needed some time to get myself together which endears him to me even more if I'm honest!

OP posts:

helenahandbag · 04/10/2015 17:23

Nothing ventured, nothing gained as my mum would say! Just go out for a couple of drinks one afternoon, keep it casual and lighthearted. Test the waters and see if you get the yes feeling

Yarboosucks · 04/10/2015 17:24

So, I would make my plan of action to actually do some "datey" things, have dinner, long walks… that sort of thing.

One thing does occur to me, after 10 years you must have friends who know him and you could trust to ask? I had two friends who got together after knowing each other for a long time and the collective reaction was "what took you so long!". We had all assumed that they were at it for years, but seemingly not! They are still together and are blissfully happy. Not the case for other friends who started from unbridled lust and passion!

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