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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sick Father In Law

20 replies

reman · 04/10/2015 00:09

Oldest brother (in law) has come out saying his father abused him for years. I believe him 100% as everything finally makes sense. His 4 siblings don't believe him.

AIBU to not want my children to spend any time with father in law? My husband doesn't know who to believe so doesn't want to shut anyone out…….

OP posts:

Cloppysow · 04/10/2015 00:12

Yanbu

AgentZigzag · 04/10/2015 00:15

Of course YANBU, and you're going to have to overrule your DH if he can't get himself off the fence.

What kind of abuse are you talking about? Not that it makes any difference like, but people's response can be shaped by how they're imagining what went on.

Why doesn't your DH believe his brother but you do 100%? What's his dad like in your opinion?

ohtheholidays · 04/10/2015 00:17

Your brother in law has been extremly brave to tell you what happened to him and YANBU.

Do you know what your BIL is going to do,do you think he'll report to the Police?

Did your FIL abuse any of his other children do you think.Some people work incredibly hard most of they're lifes to block out past abuse and it can be extremly frightening for them when other's reach that part in they're life where they feel ready to confront what happened to them.

Original poster

reman · 04/10/2015 00:19

sexual abuse. None of the siblings seem to think the dad would be capable. No one has talked about it for years and consequently the brother has missed out on all family events.

I like my husbands siblings very much but don't understand why they would all chose the father over the son.

I feel so awful that he has to miss out on everything over the dad

OP posts:

Mmmmcake123 · 04/10/2015 00:21

Think a bit more information would help to assess if yabu. For example, why everything now makes sense, why DH isn't agreeing with it. Guilty until proven innocent is not regarded as fair but I certainly wouldn't leave either of mine with him unaccompanied and this would include manipulating situations so that DH is not the one supervising as he doesn't seem to fully share your concerns.

Original poster

reman · 04/10/2015 00:22

ontheholidays he won't report to the police because he doesn't want his siblings to hate him. They already do hate him for finally telling them all what happened but still isn't going to the police as thinking he won't be believed has no proof.

OP posts:

Original poster

reman · 04/10/2015 00:26

my husband struggles to fully believe him as doesn't believe his mother would stay with someone who committed such awful sick acts.

We have argued about this A LOT but have since gone into a state of not talking about it very often as it makes me so angry. I can't understand why no one else (related) will believe him. My husband is the only one that is at least unsure

OP posts:

Mmmmcake123 · 04/10/2015 00:31

That is so hard. What makes the siblings think Mum knew if they were not also abused?

cleaty · 04/10/2015 00:32

Sadly it is common when an adult discloses sexual abuse by a parent, for siblings and others not to believe them.

hedgehogsdontbite · 04/10/2015 00:43

Your husband doesn't have to fully believe his brother. It's up to your husband what he believes. What he has to do now though is decide whether or not he's prepared to gamble his own children's safety on that belief. Is his loyalty to his father great than his loyalty to his children? That's what it boils down to.

AgentZigzag · 04/10/2015 00:44

I suppose your DH is reluctant to accept such a huge shift in how he thought his world worked.

(I'm just guessing as I don't know him) He had his dad down as a trustworthy person who he could rely on, when the awful reality is that he's a manipulative, lying predator who caused unimaginable pain to his own son, at the same time as being this nice person he grew up with.

That's going to be a difficult one to get your head round.

And as your BIL has found, it's not just him and his dad who's in this, it's all the other people like their siblings/partners, their own mother (what does she make of it?).

Such a big change makes you start to look at other areas of your life and wonder how much trust you can put in your understanding of that too, maybe even guilt of why did he not see it?

ohtheholidays · 04/10/2015 00:48

Your poor BIL,I'm glad he has you on his side,I went through the same mulitple times for 11 years of my life as a young child.I never went to the Police and none of my family apart from DH knows what happened to me but for me it wasn't a family member,your poor BIL.

Is your MIL aware of what happened to him?If he won't go to the Police please talk to him about seeing someone,I never did but I know I should have done.

AdjustableWench · 04/10/2015 03:13

People don't want to believe that someone they know is an abuser - especially a family member.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/10/2015 06:27

What a horrid situation.

You can ring tje NSPCC for advice and do t
It confidentially-say you're wanting some advice in this specific situation.

I think the solution is clear...you must do all you can to protect your children. If they're small kids....this means no visits to their house unless you are in the same room as your kids AT ALL TIMES... If they go to the loo, FiL must remain with you.

Kids are not allowed out of your sight if FIL is at home. The same must apply at your house and any family visits.

It is exhausting to do this (I've done it!)

Bottom line - is your husband prepared to take the risk with your own kids with his bro's account. How shit will he feel if it is all true and your FIL abuses one if your kids?

Senpai · 04/10/2015 06:29

Guilty until proven innocent is not regarded as fair but I certainly wouldn't leave either of mine with him unaccompanied and this would include manipulating situations so that DH is not the one supervising as he doesn't seem to fully share your concerns.

This. "Innocent until proven guilty" is for the courts, not your children to be on the front lines to test it.

I believe your BIL because simply coming forward must have been hell for him. No one would do that unless it was truly important to them.

That said, his siblings may not want to believe him because if they acknowledge what he did to him as abuse, they'll have to drastically alter their current "habits" and lifestyle. You can't simply acknowledge someone did a monstrous thing and continue as normal. Or if what he did to BIL was abuse, they may have to come to terms with the fact that what FIL did to them was abuse as well, and that can be hard to come to terms with.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/10/2015 06:34

Does the FIL know your BIL has disclosed?

Assume there are other grandchildren? Would get advice from NSPCC, then I would email this advice to all the other BILs/SiLs... You will have done what you can!

Ideally BIL needs to report to poloce/ssd, sadly by not reporting, his kids /nephew s and nieces will be at risk of being subjected to what he was....

Sad but true.... I saw it too many times!

Original poster

reman · 04/10/2015 20:10

Thanks for all the replies.

Yes FIL knows that all his children have met and discussed this because my DH went to see him demanding he explain what happened.

No like me he would also never be prepared to leave our children alone with him at any time. Some of his nieces and nephews do stay over for sleepovers which I do not understand at all.

I hate BIL is the one who misses out on everything over FIL. It is so unfair.

Even though no one has come out to say they 100% believe BIL AT LEAST there will always be that doubt in their minds and FIL knows that everyone knows.

OP posts:

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 07/10/2015 00:51

This is very concerning.... I would seriously consider doing an anonymous referral on your nieces/nephew s behalf to social services..... They CAN andWILL investigate regardless to whether it's been formally reported/charged.

Much will depend on the ages of the kids - no sane ssd will recommend this man having unrestricted access, to young kids.

It is utterly unfair that other kids may he going through what your poor BIL has!

Please do this - you WILL be taken seriously! Ssd have a legal duty to investigate. We used to deal we these type of cases all the time.

Baconyum · 07/10/2015 06:36

I'm in your bil position. Neither my sister nor mother believe me and I feel massively rejected and betrayed. Luckily other family members do believe me. False accusations are incredibly rare (and are sometimes genuine misunderstandings or covering other abuse anyway). The belief that abusers will abuse all children in a family is false. They somehow know how to pick the one/s that won't speak up.

I won't let my father anywhere near dd. She knows why. I agree you shouldn't be letting fil alone with your dc ever!

Agree with the advice to get advice from nspcc and share with dh siblings but unfortunately they'll have to decide what to do. How are their spouses reacting?

But if you even suspect any further abuse you must report it.

Hope your bil is getting support and therapy.

Take care.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 10/10/2015 22:46

Sorry baconyyum... You've had a rough time!

The more I consider this-really do think you should put in a ssd referral to your nieces/nephews... You can do it anonymously... Then you won't have that horrid feeling that you should have acted but didn't! Sorry I do realise this means you having to put your head in the shit again... But just for your future sanity?

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