to wish DH would notice me a bit more

[violinflutetrumpet]

DH is great. Very practical, sorts out car, house maintenance, bills. He also works hard and earns a good wage but always home before 5.30pm. He keeps fit and has time to do this in evenings before dc are in bed. I am SAHM and appreciate how lucky I am. This has always been a joint decision and DH specifically says he likes things how they are. He just has to go to work and when he gets home everything is relaxed, sorted and he doesn't have anything to do. However, I do feel he walks in, eats tea, talks about his work (boring after a while) and barely even looks at me. I had my hair done the other day - new style and DH didn't even realise until I told him. He seems preoccupied when I talk to him and kind of looks through me not at me. When I tried to tell him, he got annoyed, denied it and said I'd made him feel bad. I always make an effort with my appearance, keep slim and fit but wonder if he realises. The only time he is affectionate is in bed when he wants sex (3-4 times a week). He had a very cold unloving mother which I think hinders him from showing love. All I want is to be told I look nice, and the odd bit of affection during the day, just not sure how to achieve it.

Don't even know where to start on that one. It's not the 1950s where women stay home, clean the house and then do their hair and makeup ready for the husbands return.

So it's boring if he talks about work yet it's that very work that means you have every day free to yourself. You don't sound very appreciate of the effort he makes re work and financially yet expect him to come home and compliment your hair and body.

Surely you keep fit for your health, not for him. Your self worth seems wrapped up in him rather than you being your own person.

Crikey Cookie. I am actually very aware of how lucky I am but would just like DH to actually look at me properly. A while ago I was very obviously chatted up by another man and DH was furious and extremely upset. He actually cried the day after and said it made him realise how much he loved me and after that made a massive effort to be loving, but after a few weeks completely stopped again. I am honestly not expecting much.

I completely understand where you are coming from. You'd just like to know that he actually notices you as his wife as opposed to someone who keeps house, is a mum to his kids and who he has sex with.

My hairdresser suggested I had some highlights put in and I wasn't sure. So I asked DH what he thought and he said "I wouldn't bother but do it if you want". Whereas what I wanted was either "that would look nice" or "you look good as you are". I thought he would appreciate me putting in a bit of effort (I don't appearance wise normally I admit), but obviously doesn't care either way.

Ignore Cookie.

I get you. You want him to see you as someone who doesn't just spend the day cooking and cleaning - as a person, not just a mother.

Do you show him any affection? I think it sounds like you've both gotten into a rut of playing your "roles" - so he goes to work and you keep house/look after DC, but neither of you are really connecting with each other as people anymore.

My hairdresser suggested I had some highlights put in and I wasn't sure. So I asked DH what he thought and he said "I wouldn't bother but do it if you want". Whereas what I wanted was either "that would look nice" or "you look good as you are". OK, no one I know would give a tiny shite about someone else's highlights.

However, I would be majorly pissed off if DH gave me no physical affection except for sex. I would also be annoyed if he talked about his day and didn't ask about mine.

Counselling...

Tell him seduction starts outside the bedroom, it starts with him noticing you, complimenting you, asking you about your day, being interested in you.

Perhaps the next time he initiates sex you tell him how you feel?

Hello violin. I've been roughly where you are, it feels a bit lonely dunnit?

Do you have a 'date night' (I loathe that phrase but can't think of a better one) or a time when it's just you two & you both have to make a bit of an effort? Cause that can be a good, realxed time to calmly talk about how you're both feeling.

And are you getting some time to be yourself, a class or hobby that is independent from your home life?

Alternatively go and have both nipples pierced and see if he notices that. Failing that, put bells on pierced nipples and take up topless bellydance.

I'm sorry, I can't be serious for more than two paragraphs. :)

Does he ask what you've been up to?
Have you been up to anything?

I think if I were you I'd be going off and having some fun rather than being all wrapped up in him, if the kids are at school or not there is loads of stuff to go out and do. You need your life too and maybe if you are having more fun then you won't feel so upset when he takes you for granted and maybe he will start to reconsider taking you for granted (which is what is happening).

Have you tried talking to him about this, about how he only shows affection when he wants sex, and he doesn't give you any appreciation for making his life so easy?

How do you want your relationship to look?

Yanbu in general. The lack of affection, apart from when wanting sex, nearly split me and dh up. It's soul destroying. I remember it and it was awful.

The highlights, not noticing your hair isn't a huge deal. I couldn't care less about someone's hair and wouldn't expect anyone to notice a change to mine. And all the 'not letting yourself go' makes it sound like he should be grateful. That's something you should do for yourself.

However I do think that if he was more affectionate and took more notice in general these other things would be so much of an issue. It sounds like you are jumping around trying anything you can to get his attention, almost like a puppy. It's not good for either of you.