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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To LTB?

34 replies

Reasonsnottobeanidiot · 03/10/2015 00:54

Hiya, sorry this isn't in relationships but posting here for the traffic as I really need some help and encouragement to get out of this.
Been together two years, he is lazy and slovenly, goes to work every day (so do I for the same hours) but expects me to clean up after him and cook for him and even at my parents house leaves plates and beer around for them to pick up. In two years he has never once cooked me a meal, and last the six months mark never been romantic. He is obsessed with sports, and brings me along constantly to sports events, which I try my best to get involved with yet makes no effort to show interest in things which I care about. I am an academic at a university (he works in a trade based job which he enjoys and I am always interested about) and never has he asked about what I teach in my course or what I am covering that week, and if I talk about it his eyes glaze over.
He can be very sweet but then very aggressive, he swear at me calling me every name under the sun including c* etc for things as small as forgetting to mail something, and blocks me on whatsapp (I know he is mentally 10 YO) for pulling him up on this behaviour. He never calls me pretty or anything nice, and I find our conversation repetitive and boring. He doesn't stimulate me mentally, not because he can't but because he can't be bothered, and my female friends cannot stand him as they see him constantly walk over me.
In addition he pressurises me with sex, blackmailing me with things he's done over the day to make me have sex with him and if I don't keep up with his drive (we have sex most mornings and most evenings but he wants to have it 3-4 times a day despite me being busy with young DD) he gets moody and angry and sulks all evening refusing to acknowledge my presence, and if I say no I am busy he will start of please himself and then guilty trip me into "finishing him off"
I'm really not in love anymore but on the other hand, at times we are really close, and things can be very sweet, but this is 20% of the time (but obviously that is the time that guilt trips me into staying with him). My biggest worry is that I convince myself that this is normal in a relationship, but is it? If not please help me and tell me how to leave him as I feel so awkward breaking up with someone, and how to go about it. I just feel so so so trapped.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reasonsnottobeanidiot · 03/10/2015 00:55

Ps so sorry for how long this is writing on an ipad so you don't realise how much you type

OP posts:
Original poster
Reasonsnottobeanidiot · 03/10/2015 00:56

Also sorry apologies for spelling mistakes/has grammar, not used to typing on touch screen

OP posts:
Original poster
Reasonsnottobeanidiot · 03/10/2015 00:57

*bad, ffs haha Grin

OP posts:
BrideOfWankenstein · 03/10/2015 01:01

Is DD his?
Actually it doesn't matter. If you're not happy, LTB. You don't need someone who doesn't make you happy.

Cemile76 · 03/10/2015 01:02

I'm so sorry OP that you're in a relationship such as this and it seems as if you have convinced that it's normal to be treated this way. It very much isn't.

Someone will be along soon to give you some sound advice as to how to go about getting yourself out of this relationship safely along with your DD. You deserve much better than this.

Flowers
GriefLeavesItsMark · 03/10/2015 01:28

Why would us ng an iPad affect your grammar?

Original poster
Reasonsnottobeanidiot · 03/10/2015 01:29

Yes dd is his, should have specified (sorry don't mean to drip feed, we broke up at the time due to youth/work commitments) but we were together for two years previously with a two year break before I fell pregnant. No matter what dd will be okay and I will make sure she is sheilded from his behaviour but I really need to know that what I'm experiencing isn't normal and it's not just me being melodramatic, which is what he always makes me feel I am being if I raise anything

OP posts:
Original poster
Reasonsnottobeanidiot · 03/10/2015 01:31

GriefLeavesItsMark, I'm afraid I don't often use the ipad for anything other than online shopping Blush for my work I use a laptop and I can never get used to typing on screen on the ipad or on a phone (I'm making myself sound ancient but only 28!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Reasonsnottobeanidiot · 03/10/2015 01:34

And sorry to make it clear we were together around 26 months, broke up for about 18/19, then got together again for just under a year before I fell pregnant with DD. While these personality traits were obvious before when we first dated I thought it was due to immaturity and he would grow out of them, whereas now I am looking at him like "is this actually my life?"

OP posts:
Breadandwine · 03/10/2015 01:38

LTB! He is a selfish prick who will never change - so you want out!

You'll get good advice from the caring experts on the Relationship forum on how to go about this. So I would either repost on there, or report your OP and ask for this thread to be moved.

You've taken the first step towards a new life - as Cemille says, you deserve much better than this!

All the very best to you! Flowers

(I agree re the iPad - if you're used to touch-typing on a lap-top, they're murder!)

dontrunwithscissors · 03/10/2015 01:42

LTB. Does he have any redeeming features? I'm an academic and know how all consuming it can be. I can't imagine coming home to someone who doesn't give a shit.

emotionsecho · 03/10/2015 02:00

You're not happy, he doesn't respect you and treat you as his equal, I doubt he loves you he just sees you as there for his benefit and convenience. We only get one chance at life don't waste yours in this hideous situation, please leave sooner rather than later. Good luckFlowers

Bogeyface · 03/10/2015 02:14

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/10/2015 02:16

YANBU. LTB. Soon.

Sighing · 03/10/2015 02:49

You don't need permission. Your life sounds unbearable with one reason. Ditch the reason, move on. Do it soon. Picture a relaxed Christmas for you and DD.

Chocolateteabag · 03/10/2015 02:52

It's not normal relationship behavior at all. He should be your best friend not someone you have to tiptoe round and who has no interest in you.

As for how to leave him - i think you need the relationships forum for best advice from a practical, financial and legal perspective

Good luck

lordStrange · 03/10/2015 03:09

Don't feel trapped. There is no need, you can end it. Now, or tomorrow. That's ok and totally allowed.

He sounds like a wrong match and really wrong for you, and everybody else.

So you need to see a solicitor asap. They will advise you.

Also yes. ask your thread to move to relationships, such brilliant advice there.

Eebahgum · 03/10/2015 08:05

You already know the answer. This relationship isn't making you happy. And you don't want your daughter growing up thinking this is how women should be treated.

Jeffreythegiraffe · 03/10/2015 08:08

No this is not a normal relationship, at all. Ltb.

Sparkletastic · 03/10/2015 08:10

You don't even need to ask surely. You will be so much happier without him.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2015 08:13

LTB. You cannot shield your daughter from his behaviour, you are fooling yourself there.

Eva50 · 03/10/2015 08:14

You have everything going for you. It sounds as if you have friends and parents who will be supportive. LTB. Get your post moved to relationships so that you can get the best practical advice.

Muckogy · 03/10/2015 08:44

LTB.
no question at all. do it as soon as you can and don't dither or worry you're not doing the right thing. you are doing the right thing by leaving him. he's a prick and you can't change him.

GloGirl · 03/10/2015 08:47

He is a bastard, you should leave him. As soon as you can. This man will just get worse with time.

Jeffreythegiraffe · 03/10/2015 08:53

What AF said, your DD will be aware already.