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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my mil is unreasonable for not giving ExH address

29 replies

Fantasyland · 02/10/2015 14:50

Will try and keep story short.
Exh left nearly 4 years ago after another affair, he has been an utter t**t since then messing our son around with contact and letting him down.

He has moved further away recently and given up his job to move with his girlfriend (o/w) who is setting up a business and he claimed originally he couldn't pay any more maintenance as unemployed but then after using more excuses to our son that he was busy setting up her business he has admitted he is working for his girlfriend (who he still claims is his friend!) part time and he is paying me £11 a week.

He is always late paying and i dont trust him to be honest with what he is earning and pay the correct amount as after nearly 4 years he is still claiming that its his friend now, they were together but they split up and live as friends and he is employed by her , not that he is a joint business owner.

I want to go through the csa so they calculate a fair amount but he wont tell me his address and his mother wont tell me the address even though she knows he has been an utter arse and left me financially in the shit by now only paying £11 a week because he chose to move and give up his job.

She still sees our son but exh rarely does, aibu to think she should give the address for csa?
I also predicted he would do this when he moved and see him stopping paying soon as i have no way of tracking him down

OP posts:
TheHouseOnTheLane · 02/10/2015 14:52

It's actually not that hard to find someone's address. If you know the name of the ow then I suspect the bills will be in her name...

Sparkletastic · 02/10/2015 14:53

Can't you find the address via their names and the company name? If not how old is DS - could he ask grandma directly for his dad's address? She might find it harder to refuse him.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 02/10/2015 14:53

www.wired.co.uk/magazine/archive/2010/05/how-to/how-to-find-anyone

this article is useful.

Original poster
Fantasyland · 02/10/2015 14:53

Thats half the problem he is still using his mums address and his mum admits that as well, so on paper it will look like he doesn't live with her.

Ive tried googling her name but all it shows is their old address.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 02/10/2015 14:54

No, up to the CSA to track him down. In the future if he wants a relationship with his son then his son will know where he lives and when he's older I'd tell him he tried to avoid paying. Long term hiding your address and having a relationship with a child won't work. Leave it to the CSA and wait for him to see sense.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 02/10/2015 14:54

Put her name into the Companies House search box.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 02/10/2015 14:55

www.gov.uk/get-information-about-a-company

2rebecca · 02/10/2015 14:57

I'm confused, so he's living with your exMIL whose address you don't know but you want her to tell you his address? How do you propose to contact her then? Can't you just give the CSA the details you have for her and they can ask her where he is.

Spartans · 02/10/2015 14:58

I can see why she isn't giving the info.

It's not fair to put her in the middle

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/10/2015 14:58

You have to see it from his mum's point of view though, surely? She thinks she's being loyal to her son by not giving out his address, maybe he's told her that you've threatened them with axe murdering or somesuch, and she doesn't want to be involved in any of that, despite you only wanting it for CSA purposes.

Maybe she thinks you'll go round and confront OW and set fire to her, or similar. I don't know. But she's really under no obligation to give up her son's address to you, however upsetting that is. :(

zzzzz · 02/10/2015 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HellKitty · 02/10/2015 15:08

If he's still using his mums address then give them that?

If you know OW name then surely you could track her down? I'm sure she must be getting tax credits or something..maybe they would be affected if it was known they are a couple.

Original poster
Fantasyland · 02/10/2015 15:11

He lives with girlfriend but has all bills going to his mum's house

OP posts:
Fabellini · 02/10/2015 15:19

I'd just give CSA his mums address then - presumably you have that? He's using it as a postal address and having all bills sent there, so if she forwards them, she can forward their correspondence too.

cjt110 · 02/10/2015 15:31

Electoral role?

Booyaka · 02/10/2015 15:35

Sorry, but regardless of the rights and wrongs you just can't put his Mum in that position. It must be an awful position for her to be in, but if he has specifically asked her not to then she really can't tell you.

Anyway, if he is living at her address for 'official' purposes surely he wouldn't be able to ignore CSA letters there because it would bust him for tax/benefits purposes too?

Unreasonablebetty · 02/10/2015 15:42

Give csa the mums address,
And if he wants to see your son, unsupervised, tell him you'll need the address that he currently resides at.
When I was going through courts with DDs bio dad, I refused to allow her to his house as I didn't know where it was and he wouldn't allow me an address, and I feel I should know where my daughter is (he did have form for running away with DD)
And the courts had no problem with telling him I needed an up to date address for him to allow unsupervised contact.

Also, is it really worth the trouble? Int experience the CSA don't always help very much, and when DDs dad was told he needed to pay CSA he gave up his job (this was a ploy and was actually working cash on hand after that for his girlfriends parents!!)
It might be a whole heap of trouble for nothing. As his girlfriend could quite easily hide much of his earnings so the CSA only award you a rate of about £5.00 per week....I think you said it's currently £11.00 which is a very low amount already, but if men do not want to be decent fathers, they'll always find a way to get out of their responsibilities.

In sorry you are in this situation though Hun, it's a Shitty one.

x2boys · 02/10/2015 15:49

Cant they just trace via his his national insurance number? assuming he pays tax and national insurance.

Gottagetmoving · 02/10/2015 16:32

I think your mil is being unreasonable. If my son was not supporting his child I would give his address. Unless you are a danger to her son or likely to cause trouble, I think she should make sure her son faces up to his responsibilities.
I hate it when men neglect their children in this way.

Original poster
Fantasyland · 02/10/2015 16:43

If I give his mum's address then he will show as no income as he isn't signing on or anything, he will not be on the electoral roll at hers, don't know whether she claims anything. The point of proving the address is to prove he is part of her business and does have an income

OP posts:
LisbethSalandersLaptop · 02/10/2015 16:46

no I do not think she is being unreasonable - my dad would not give out an address or phone number for his children to anyone.
Just give the CSA her address Grin

Original poster
Fantasyland · 02/10/2015 16:47

If I say I need his address to know where my son is then he won't see our son. My son is desperate to see him so I have to agree to let him go without knowing where he is. There's no chance of him kidnapping he can't be bothered with regular contact

OP posts:
redannie118 · 02/10/2015 17:01

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

Osolea · 02/10/2015 17:06

The mil is not being unreasonable, if her son has told her not to give out his address then she shouldn't be giving out his address.

Original poster
Fantasyland · 02/10/2015 17:38

Thank you redannie that is helpful.

Is there anything i could do though if the business is all in her name and he says he lives off her? Wouldn't that prove he was part of the business?

OP posts:
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