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MNHQ have commented on this thread

AIBU?

To miss my daughter's boyfriend

86 replies

Doraydiego · 02/10/2015 06:25

My daughter recently ended things with her boyfriend. I understand why, they are at different universities and she does not want a long distance relationship. I think he misses her a lot, which makes me feel so sad. I am so very fond of him, he was so good for her. She had a very bad relationship before him and he taught her to truly value herself and how to be in a healthy happy relationship. She says they are still friends, but I don't know if he will ever be coming here again. Is it normal to feel so bereft? She seems over it already, but I feel quite tearful and am worrying that he is ok.

OP posts:

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MorrisZapp · 26/08/2016 20:53

I still miss my brother's first girlfriend. She was absolutely lovely, and brought things out in him that had never been there before. Twenty plus years, two wives and two kids later he's never found anyone like her. He's single now.

You can't influence someone's personal life but it's natural to miss members of the family when they leave. I miss my two ex sils too but the first gf was just a gem.

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Chihuahualala · 26/08/2016 20:57

My ex bf's mum and I still stay in touch. I was in my thirties during that relationship though. My mum died during that relationship and she was really good to us all.

I did toy with the idea of inviting her when I married my now DH but thought it would be just too weird. We stay in touch by phone and email occasionally. I don't really think that much of her son but she's a lovely lady.

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BennyTheBall · 26/08/2016 21:18

You sound like my mum!

I had a boyfriend for 6 years, from 18 to 24. For almost all of that time, we were madly in love.

My parents adored him. We stayed together all through separate unis and beyond and only grew apart a couple of years later.

My parents, his parents and 6 siblings between us, were all devastated. 20+ years later, my parents still ask me about him (despite the fact they love my husband very much).

I think they got too attached. We were very young and it was our first love affair - I hope I will be a bit more detached when our children fall head over heels.

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PunkrockerGirl · 26/08/2016 21:26

Yanbu. I got quite fond of a couple of my ds' girlfriends, missed them when they broke up etc, but obviously my loyalty is to my dc.
I met ds2's ex a few days ago when I was out shopping. We had a lovely chat, she's a great girl, and they've both moved on in every aspect of their lives. But it was a joy to have her as part of our lives at the time.

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gamerchick · 26/08/2016 21:28

Oooold thread

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LaContessaDiPlump · 26/08/2016 21:30

I'm still in touch with my would-have-been MIL (mum of ex-fiancee) and all his siblings; they are really nice people. I even took DH and the boys cross-country to visit them! DH did feel that the situation was a little odd, but I really enjoyed the visit. They had always been kind to me and I missed them when my fiancee became a cheating idiot (and very shortly after, an ex).

Whb-MIL once said to me that she'd been very close to her first BF's mum, but never saw her again after they split; I think she didn't want the same thing to happen with us. She's a lovely woman and very considerate of these things. My mum was always jealous that I liked her so much I think!

My point is that, as others have said, it's normal to become attached to people who are in our lives and whom we care about. Hell, even ex-fiancee's aunt and uncle made it very clear that we were welcome at their house any time 'together OR separately'. I think the writing was on the wall even then....... still, I appreciated their kindness.

You've got to let your DD have some space right now, though, and that includes not contacting him for a bit. Whb-MIL would contact me every year on my birthday, and when I had my DC. That was frequent enough for early-stage break-up I think.

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FreshHorizons · 26/08/2016 21:36

Strange- why did someone come on an old thread and then get deleted?

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Tartyflette · 26/08/2016 21:38

When DS Split with his live-in girlfriend we were saddened (he was at fault, behaved like a prat but nothing too terrible) as we were very fond of her; and thought of her as a DIL. I have kept in occasional touch with her over the last two years or so -- occasional emails, Christmas greetings, lnstagram likes. DS knows and isn't bothered, he has a new GF and has moved on. It's not a big deal for anyone, really. But I like to see how she's getting on from time to time.

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gamerchick · 26/08/2016 21:39

Spammer

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PresidentOliviaMumsnet · 26/08/2016 21:43

@HateSummer

I'll report my comment too..duh

Thanks
LOL at constipation

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keffie12 · 21/04/2017 19:08

I have been touring the net looking for articles and posts on this subject. Also found another 1 on the psychological side in a media article as well as another side with a topic like this. Thank God I am not alone in feeling like this. My DD and her ex (I presume) were together 7 years. She lives in another country so I am not in regular face to face contact with her.

She won't tell me why they have split or her biological Dad who I am divorced from who lives abroad also. I have no contact with him for genuine reasons.

She has just said that the sh*t had hit the fan at Christmas and they had parted about 6 weeks ago. She has now got her own place. I think it's her own place anyway. She has moved out of where they were living together. Why do I think this? It is bizarre. Read on

My daughter is very closed about it all. That's her persona anyway. She says it between her and her (ex?) fella. I say it like this as they split 3 years ago but got back together. Neither of them moved out of their shared property then. We had presumed it was a similar situation. It doesn't sound like it now. She has said they may get back together in the future. It's like being given a jigsaw you can't finish or bring closure on. I do know that's her right though.

I think his family must know more. They get on well with J as do we and we have met when we visited. I will not ask them what is going on. I have certainly NOT told my daughter how upset I am about their split nor will I. I am just totally shocked about my feelings and about the split.

I have a rough idea what could have happened. I am only surmising from a couple of things her (ex?) fella sister has said on social media. I guess as she is saying they were proud of her moving on ''it is the 1 thing I found unbelievable'' that he may have done?

I had learnt to love him dearly like another son and I am just really sad and in shock that it is probably over for good now.

I know it's my stuff to deal with. I worry about her too and with her being so far away doesn't help. She is a grown woman and perfectly capable of dealing with this. I am just going through my own grief and glad I am not on my own for feeling like this.

Thank you to the OP for making a topic about this. Your not alone

This is a link to the article on this I found. The title does not live up to the article which shows compassion for the parent : www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-1299722/Whose-break-A-warning-interfering-mothers.html