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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want mil to scare ds about dead fil.

14 replies

Givinguph0pe · 01/10/2015 07:41

Sadly my FIL died a couple of months ago. Ds is 6 and saw FIL a couple of times a week. Since FIL died there's been a lot of talk about how he's watching us and he's still with us etc which isn't my personal belief but it's been helpful to them and it's what they believe.

However when we went round yesterday ds was being a bit of a pain. Nothing terrible, it was getting late and he was hungry so he was being whiny and grumpy. MIL said to him 'you'd better watch out, FIL will know if you're being naughty, he can see you all the time.'
I didn't say anything at the time but I wish I had now in case she says it again. I don't really want a dead person being held over ds as some sort of threat. To be fair ds hasn't said anything but he is the sort of child who says nothing for a while and then all of a sudden, sometimes weeks after an event, he'll suddenly say he's been worried by something.

Aibu to think it's not an appropriate thing to say to a just 6 year old? It would have worried me at the same age I think.

OP posts:

LucyInTheSkyWithDonuts · 01/10/2015 07:43

I agree, it's a horrible thing to say to a child. Does she want your DS to remember FIL with fear or as his lovely grandad?

tibbawyrots · 01/10/2015 07:46

It depends on your own beliefs really . I think that once someone dies that's it, no more - but plenty of others think differently.
If you're unhappy with what MIL said, and remember she is still grieving then have a word with her about what you would rather ds be told.

Prettyeyedpiratesmile · 01/10/2015 07:58

YANBU

Mrsjayy · 01/10/2015 08:02

Oh dear yanbu she is basically using a dead man to discipline and scare your son ask her to stop just say he doesnt understand and its scaring him.

Chillyegg · 01/10/2015 08:07

Yanbu at all that's awful .

pklme · 01/10/2015 08:17

It's a very old fashioned approach, I don't think people realise how creepy it sounds if you think about it. If it were me, I'd talk to DS about how FIL loved him and wouldn't want him to be scared. I'd have a phrase like that ready to say (very lightly) next time Mil trots it out. If you keep contradicting her she,s not gonna argue. What can she say? "Oh yes, he,s watching and waiting to catch you out because that,s the kind of grandad he is!"

TheHouseOnTheLane · 01/10/2015 08:19

Just wait till she says it again and say "Oh no DS>...FIL loved you! He won't ever be cross at you because nobody is cross in Heaven."

And ignore her....move the conversation away.

InternalMonologue · 01/10/2015 08:43

YANBU.

My gran was notorious famous for coming out with "your tongue is black! You're lying! THAT'S A SIN!!!!" sort of stuff, but even she didn't use dead-grandad against us as children.

girlywhirly · 01/10/2015 09:46

Do you talk about FIL with DS? My DF died when DS was 6, and we discussed at length how when someone dies they are gone from life, but we have lovely memories/photos/videos of them, and also items that belonged to them that we treasure. We also said that the love we have for that person doesn't go away because they are no longer here.

I think your MIL was misguided to say what she did. Perhaps have a quiet word and ask her not to say things which would upset or frighten DS. She might have been a bit strung out, it has only been a few weeks since FIL died.

If you think that DS might be brooding on what MIL said, you could raise the subject by looking through a photo album or watching some video of his GF, where you can comment how much he loved DS and how very proud he was of him, always, no matter what. If DS says 'even if I'm naughty?' you reply 'yes, even then.' You could explain that MIL was a bit upset and didn't mean to upset him saying what she did. Reassure that you don't believe that people who have died are angry with those they loved.

YBR · 01/10/2015 10:05

I think you might need to give MIL a different way of encouraging better behaviour when DS is grumpy. If you combine that with showing her how what she said makes FIL into a kind of boggy man you might get a result!

BathshebaDarkstone · 01/10/2015 10:10

That's horrible. My DGM used to say she'd crucify me if I did anything wrong, it still gives me the shivers.

Flomple · 01/10/2015 10:16

I like theHouse's response.

Depending on your own take, you could also have a little chat with DS about how different people have different beliefs, we respect them but don't have to share them.

I would be wary of raising it with MIL. Her grief must still be incredibly raw. It's horrific to lose a partner, we all need allowances for people in that awful position, and I think this one can be handled between you and DS for now.

Mermaidhair · 01/10/2015 11:20

Your mil is probably trying to keep her dh as an active part of the family. It's awful to lose your spouse and grief can sometimes come out in strange ways. I have said something similar to my children about their dad (my husband). It is just that, I am trying to keep him as active as I can in my own weird way. It is said in a more loving, sweet way not as a form of punishment or trying to scare them. I know my children like it when I mention him in ways like that. If you think it may be scaring your son just have a chat to her about it. I'm sure she doesn't mean it to be like that.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 01/10/2015 11:38

Yes....Memaid is right....perhaps try to mention FIL regularly....it helps people cope.

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