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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to not want him spending the whole day with his ex?

14 replies

feelingconfused21 · 30/09/2015 17:26

I feel really guilty even thinking this but aibu to feel upset that whenever my DP sees his child he has to see her at her mums house or with her mum? Background is DP has a 3 year old DD with ex. They had split up long before we met and the ex hasn't always been easy about access. Now he is allowed to see her once a week but he always has to go to her house, she won't allow him to take her out, have her on his own in his house (we don't live together) or even take her to the local park without her in tow! Although he would love to have her to himself, and every week hopes that next time he will be able to, He loves his DD and is trying very had to be a good dad to her but I am starting to feel uncomfortable about him spending the whole day with his ex in order to see his child. Two weeks ago it was taking her swimming together, last week it was a trip to the soft play area. I don't resent him seeing his DD, I am thrilled for him that at last access seems to be sorting itself out and I am sure he is a good dad, so why do I feel uncomfortable that he is spending so much time with his ex? I am sure it is good for his DD to see her parents getting on together, I don't feel insecure in our relationship, I know if he wanted to be with his ex instead of me he would be, because then he would be able to see his DD all the time and it doesn't matter how i feel about him, if he didn't want to be with me he wouldn't be. I am not jealous of a 3 year old, I accept he has her and wouldn't want to be without her, I would of course love to meet her, but I understand that may be years away if ever, so it's not as if I have visions of us playing happy families with his DD in his ex's place! I would be happy if he was spending time with his DD on his own...His ex says she is too young to leave her side to spend time with him on her own.... so aibu?

OP posts:

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 30/09/2015 17:40

At 3 she isn't too young to spend some time away from her mum with her own dad who she sees regularly. He is obviously pandering to his ex so that she doesn't make life difficult for him again, which is understandable, but not sustainable.

Unfortunately where DCs are concerned, you are best off saying nothing because whenever you try to talk about this stuff with a non-resident dad you are usually accused of trying to destroy their relationship with their DCs or of being insecure/jealous/controlling etc.

If his ex is really that determined not to let him have access without her there, and if your DP is not willing to stand up to her and say "no, she's my daughter, I will take her to my house and spend time with her on my own terms" then you either have to accept this situation or walk away.

EponasWildDaughter · 30/09/2015 17:42

Although he would love to have her to himself, and every week hopes that next time he will be able to

Why doesn't he? Why is he just 'hoping' and not insisting? Is there some background to this?

Also, how long have you been together?

Scobberlotcher · 30/09/2015 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaidOfStars · 30/09/2015 17:57

What is his Ex's relationship status?

Osolea · 30/09/2015 18:04

It's best for the child if she can grow up seeing her parents getting along and doing nice things together, so your DP really isn't doing anything wrong, and it would be very wrong of you to try and stop them building a good co parenting relationship.

The child is old enough to have time away from her Mum, but that doesn't mean that she automatically should be away from her mum just because she's seeing her dad. I don't think it's got anything to do with him standing up to his ex, she could have very good reason for wanting to supervise contact and take things slowly.

I think you need to decide what you're prepared to deal with, let him know and then stick to it. If you don't feel like you'll be happy in this relationship if he spends tie with his ex, then you need to end it, because it's likely that they'll have more in common as their dd grows up than they do now, especially if they're trying to get on well with each other.

starlight2007 · 30/09/2015 18:04

If I was NRP..I would be asking RP of a timetable to work up to having time on their own..

This is of course assuming no history in this situation

goawayalready · 30/09/2015 18:05

my ex used to spend time with our daughter at my house

because he was a drug abusing alcoholic who when he took her out by himself (to the park across the road) bought her back because she wanted me because she wanted sweets and he had no money then he took her to his dealer's house (on the way to the shop to buy the sweets with my money) and she came home stinking of cannabis so he didn't take her again

is there a reason she doesnt trust him?

definiteissues · 30/09/2015 18:08

Is there more background to this?

I know someone who doesn't allow her child's dad to see him alone, but that is because he walks in and out of the child's life as and when and he won't agree to regular contact so she doesn't feel that solo contact is in her daughters best interests.

Is there a reason for this? Has he been abusive in the past towards her or her daughter? Did he decide not to have contact and then change his mind?
Has any of this started because he started dating you (e.g was he wanting his daughter to meet you)

Or is ex single and wanting him back?

AbeSaidYes · 30/09/2015 18:09

you are not asking if he should be able to see his daughter alone, you are sking if it's ok for him to be with his ex for a whole day?

yes it is ok - if that is how he gets to see his child.

why does his Ex being there worry you so much?

Original poster

feelingconfused21 · 30/09/2015 18:19

No none of those things, he is a genuine nice guy who's relationship didn't work out, they split as a joint decision and I can't imagine him ever being abusive or difficult to his DD or his ex. He has never tried to get out of his responsibilities and never not agreed to regular contact, it just always has to be on her terms. He hasn't gone to court for access because she has said if he does she will block him for as long as she can from seeing his DD and that would break his heart. He always pays her maintenance each month on time and buys his DD anything else her mum says she needs. I can't think of any reason why she wouldn't trust him alone with the DD. She has had two other relationships since he left but is currently single, her relationship status doesn't seem to alter how she thinks, although i guess if she found herself in a stable relationship with a guy who encouraged her to have time to herself or didn't want her ex in the house things could change? We have been together for 6 months and he has always been honest with me from the start. I have never told him how I feel about him spending time with his ex, and I wouldn't, I am sure if he knew I felt like that he would be upset, but quite rightly I would always expect him to put his DD first, and anyway I am acutely aware it isn't a competition between me and DD. I don't know why I feel like this and I feel mean even thinking like that, that's why I thought I would canvas your advice!

OP posts:

LIZS · 30/09/2015 18:30

Is there any formal agreement? How long before your relationship started did they break up? Could it be as much that ex doesn't want dd spending time with you as a couple?

newname99 · 30/09/2015 18:52

I do understand why you feel uncomfortable - it could be his ex is controlling or they may have a closer relationship and find it hard to fully separate.

Does the child go to nursery? if so then your boyfriend has the answer.

Just be wary - it could be his past behaviour which you really , really might not be aware of so be highly sceptical.
It could be that his ex is controlling.
It could be that they enjoy their time together - he is really unlikely to tell you this no matter how many times you ask.

He could try mediation. If his ex is controlling and unreasonable then your boyfriend needs to stand up for daughter and get unsupervised contact. If he doesn't then maybe he isn't the man you think he is.

Dogsmom · 30/09/2015 18:56

Grit your teeth, smile and wait, things will change over time.
When dh and I got together he had a 1 year old ds with his ex, it was a joint decision to divorce and she was fine with contact until he met me and then she insisted on him going to her house and spend the day there, this was all Sunday and two evenings after work until 10pm.

I told him she'd probably suddenly become very glam and friendly which he didn't think was true but on day 1 sure enough she was in new clothes with her hair done and full face of make up at 9.30am on a Sunday!

I've always been very secure in our relationship and knew he was very happy with me so I took no notice and didn't rise to any of the difficulties she threw up.
Over time she must've realised that it was inconvenient and awkward for her to be there all the while and she started going out or letting him take his ds out, we're now 10 years down the line and he still sees him 3x a week most weeks but hardly ever lays eyes on his ex.

Jux · 30/09/2015 21:33

It can't go on forever, though can it? At some point he's not going to be able to spend the whole time over there, he won't want to, or she won't want him to.

The child is plenty old enough to be away from her mum for hours, days even. There are plenty of 3year olds who spend from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon with their nrp, well away from the rp, not even in the same town.

What is he going to do when he wants to marry, have another child, or move home? He needs to think about how he's going to handle it. If she's likely to withhold contact when he tries to change things, is it better now than later?

But as people say, don't offer your opinion unasked.

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