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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to cut contact with my so called "friend"

43 replies

DaniBubbles · 30/09/2015 14:45

Fairly new friend of only about a year. Met on the social media network - the one with the blue bird. Seemed like a nice enough lad, older than me at 40yo and not without his troubles, but then again who isn't?
Anyway, the main topic of conversation with him tends to be his woes and worries. He has a partner of 9 years but says they can't stand the sight of each other. He claims to be desperately unhappy.. he is the main bread winner, she stays at home with their DD (when we first started talking he said she was 8, today he said she was 6 Hmm ) and claims she does nothing around the house, place is always a tip, just sleeps all day, won't let him do anything he wants to do. You know the script.

I've tried to give helpful advice and told him that if he is unhappy then he should leave, but he always says "oh no I can't do that, I'm a wimp, I can't stand up to her" etc etc. Clincher today though was he "accidently" sent me a screenshot of one of his convos with her on fb. The conversation did not look at all like she can't stand the sight of him. In fact, she was asking him what he wanted for dinner when he got home and asking if he'd like a bit of fun later once their DD was in bed. Hmm
I'm not sure if in fact it was an accident like he claimed or if he was trying to make me jealous. A pointless endevour though because I've told him right from the start, I have a DP and we are planning our wedding and TTC. He knows I have absolutely zero interest in him romantically/sexually/any way at all really.

He does try to push the boundries of friendship by reminding me daily how much I mean to him, how much he cares about me and how he would love to be with me instead of his DP. (I have told him countless times that I don't like that kind of talk so this usually envokes a deadpan silence from my end now)

Anyway, today along with his mumps and grumps about how unhappy he is at home (I don't bother giving advice now because it's always the same "I'm trapped in my terrible life - woe is me") he has also mentioned a fall out with another female friend of his. The usual- I asked him if he was ok, did he want to talk about it. He said "we fell out because of you" Erm.. me? Who is this person and how the bloody fuck does she know who I am? He said "She fell out with me because she thinks I like you more than her" When I enquired that 1) does she know we are just friends and that is all we will ever be, 2) does she even know I'm long-term taken, there was a silence of about 15 minutes until he said "Doesn't matter anyway because she doesn't like me like that." Followed by the usual "nobody likes me like that, I am so unattractive, Nobody will ever date me, I'll never ever get good sex in my entire life" boohoo.

IABU? I was very angry about this. I will admit I don't really have a lot of patience and I don't think he has told this friend (if she is even real) what the script is between me and him. I told him I was sick of his helpless attitude and to stop using me as a tool to make others jealous.

On the whole, I usually enjoy talking to him but I'm getting really fucking bored of playing silly games and I can't help but get the feeling he is putting on an act of boyish weakness to try and gain sympathy from me. What's the best way to deal with this?

OP posts:
turningvioletviolet · 30/09/2015 15:44

why can't you just say Twitter Confused?

DontMindMe1 · 30/09/2015 15:49

he's engaging in one sided emotional affair with you. get rid.

he's not your 'friend' and his issues are not your responsibility. he's going to either leech/drain your energy whilst he gets his kicks....and if his wife ever sees the exchanges she will assume you are the OW even though you're not and don't intend to be.

reni2 · 30/09/2015 15:50

Are we currently on the blue three mums and two babies site then Grin?

stopfaffing · 30/09/2015 15:52

I'm incredulous after reading your opening post , OP. Why do you feel the need for this sort of 'relationship'? Can't you see it's normal to pander to the whims of a whining man who talks about sex with you and thinks you're an item (won't tell his wife about you)? If this is not a wind-up thread Hmm then you already know that cutting contact is the answer. Now.

stopfaffing · 30/09/2015 15:53

*not normal!

DaniBubbles · 30/09/2015 15:55

"Yeah no evenings and weekends so no partners see I assume!"

I initiate conversation some weekends. Just a "hi, how are you today?" sort of thing but its absolute silence until he starts work again on a Monday morning.

OP posts:
DaniBubbles · 30/09/2015 15:58

Thanks for all your POVs guys.. he has taken a strop just now because I told him his helpless boy routine was wearing thin so I'm going to use that as an opportunity to cut ties. You're all right, this friendship (if you can call it that) really was pointless.. for me anyway.

OP posts:
Stillunexpected · 30/09/2015 16:09

How can anyone possibly call someone they know through only through Twitter a friend??? Just how? And if this person is older, self-absorbed and a moaner how did your "conversations" - of 140 characters obviously - ever progress to the point where you would think of him as a friend? What made you initially think - yes, I must respond to this whiner?!

Iusedtobeapenguin · 30/09/2015 16:11

You've never met him, he's just a random on Twitter.

He's not 'your friend', he's a creepy stranger fishing online for sex.

The only part I don't understand is why you bothered with him in th PR first place...

DaniBubbles · 30/09/2015 16:15

"How can anyone possibly call someone they know through only through Twitter a friend???"

I suppose "friend" is the wrong word to use. He wasn't a whiner when I first started speaking to him and didn't appear whiny on his tweets. It started off retweeting certain news articles/stories then one line comments then after a few months, he added me on Kik (my username was linked to my Twitter, not anymore!) then we got talking properly from there. As I said previously, the whiny self-absorbed tales of woe didn't start until 5 months in.

OP posts:
MyrtleMoaning · 30/09/2015 17:32

Err, what exactly do you get out of this weird, lopsided 'friendship'? He sounds revoltingly needy, he's disrespectful to you and his partner, and he obviously isn't particularly familiar with the truth.

Just block him, and stick to the RL, no logo site.

bessiebumptious2 · 30/09/2015 19:03

Can't see how this even warrants asking the question to be honest. Are you sure you're not a little bit into him? Otherwise I can't understand why you're giving him any thought whatsoever. Stop stringing him along and cut contact. Be respectful of your partner and future child/ren.

JawannaDrink · 30/09/2015 19:53

Either you're addicted to other peoples dramas or you are getting off on him on the idea of him being after you.
It's not normal to be talking so much, about such personal things, to random weirdos you hook up with on twitter. Read a book or something, watch Eastenders if you want to rubberneck on other peoples ishoos, but this is just weird.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 30/09/2015 20:01

You have lots of 'friendships' you made on the blue bird site?

Why?? Do you have lots of friends in real life?

I don't get it.

kali110 · 30/09/2015 20:04

I Don't understand the point about why op was making friends with other men online when she's in a relationship? I manage to have friends of both sexes on social media and i'm taken. It's doesnt mean she's looking for a new partner.

Op this guy sounds like he's trying to make you jealous.
You've warned him that you're not interested And thAt any of that type of talk will be shut down.
He hasn't listened.
You don't get anything out of this relationship except drama.
His drama.
Delete him.

kali110 · 30/09/2015 20:05

I have friends on social media.
Amazingly it is possible to make friends on there!
I have friends in real life too Hmm

AnnaMarlowe · 30/09/2015 20:12

It is beyond me why you didn't drop him after the very first whiney post.

There is no need for any if this emotional angst. He's a deeply unpleasant and quite scarily inappropriate person. Drop him.

Quite frankly if you can't see why this 'relationship' has been deeply inappropriate for a long time then you should really step away from your computer right now.

Doobigetta · 30/09/2015 20:36

I also find it hard to understand the attraction in this for you. Are you getting a kick out of being needed, and having him (and others?) turn to you for the benefit of your wisdom? Is it a whole "I'm the only one who understands him/can get through to him cos I'm so empathetic" type thing? If so, you'd be far better off investing that emotional energy into people you actually have real life relationships with. You say you're not a patient person, but you've clearly spent quite a lot of time listening to and engaging with this idiot, which is a very bizarre thing to want to do unless you are genuinely lonely in real life. And given that you are engaged, you shouldn't be that lonely- is that the real issue, and what you should be worrying about?

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