I know I am being unreasonable but....

[Dollymixtureyumyum]

Just want to scream
SIL (husbands sister) gets everything and I mean everything she wants from her parents she just has to stamp her feet. Now they are buying her a house outright because her car got keyed and it affected her that badly that she needs to move from the estate she lives on to a better one. (By affected I mean serious strops)
Yes I know it is their money and I know me and hubby should just get on with our own lives and not let it bother us, but everything they give her something or do her a favour I see the hurt in DHs eyes.

He went round the other week to tell them he had an interview for the job he has always wanted, after 30 seconds SIL butts in telling them about her day and they totally focus on her. In the end we just left and my DHs had tears in his eyes. He has had this since he was a child. I just want to tell them to fuck off and they don't deserve a son as nice as him (he is always there when they ask for a favour) whereas SIL refuses to run them to the train station a week ago because she wanted a lie in (the train was at 11am)
Anyway rant over just wanted to get it off my chest. Also we live on this unsafe estate as well but it is ok for us apparently we fit into that estate so much better then SIL does

sounds like your DH is lovely.

Try and separate the money from the emotional stuff, and if you ever have it out with them, make it about the emotional stuff and never, ever the money.

Their money is theirs to do with as they see fit, and if they want to spend theirs on her, they have every right to.
However, as parents to TWO children, they do have a responsibility to be emotionally fair. Focus on this element and (a) you might be able to form some arguments you can actually use, which will make changes in their behaviour and (b) as hard as it can be in reality, remind yourself it is only money.

Little girls will always be the apple of their daddy's eye. Does she have an other half or kids?

That's a crock Sproket OP your DH should speak up to his parents about this when he's alone with them.

Afraid it's not. I've got 5 big Bro's and I was always able to weedle things my way. Once drank a full bottle of rum, came in reekin n still managed to convince him it wasn't me it was one of them. Even as I got older, steamin drunk, fell out with pals phonecard crying come pick me up. He wouldn't have done it for the boys but me n my sisters always. Broke down 60 odd miles away, he came towed me home. Middle Bro broke down two villages away - what do u think I am the Fucking AA? Screwed it by getting married tho. I'm my hubby's problem now he's still at it for my two unmarried sisters tho

Please don't dilute this situation into some kind of sexist cutesy truism.

It's dysfunctional and hurtful, not 'daddy loves his weetle girly girl' so it's just fine and dandy for daddy to show how much he doesn't love his leeeetle boy because he has a penis.

It's rather shocking to hear it reduced to such twaddle. But I guess that is the point.

Agreed misc and house

OP It sounds very hard for your husband. If he wants to deal with it he could speak to his parents - when little sister isn't around! - and explain how hurtful he finds their actions. I agree that unfair as it seems he should keep the money aspect out of it or it'll just muddy the waters.

No advice but I can sympathise. My DH has 3 siblings who are a mix of male and female and they all get anything they want from mil and fil. DH is often left out and they are given a lot more than DH (time, attention & money/stuff). Cruelty it's us that lives closest and its us that do the most for them. My parents are very generous to me and and my 3 siblings and treat us as equally as they can. My DH sees this and although I never say anything I know the way his family treats him is getting him down.

It's miserable that some families favour one child (or children) over others. It's really fucking miserable, but there is very little that can be done about it, apart from (in your case, as it's your DH rather than you who is the unfavoured child) love and support him and build a lovely happy family around you and him and your DC so his parents' unfairness matters less and less.

Sympathy but no advice as unfortunately I find myself agreeing with sproket as far as they won't change (not buying the daddy's little girl bullshit. That crap turned into abuse in my case).

With mum dsis (now NC) gets all her attention as she 'has it so hard' bollocks! She's a using selfish NPD witch who's created her own hardship to a larger degree! In my case parents are at pains to never spend a penny more on one over the other but sis gets all the support and attention, even when she needs a minor favour and I need support in desperate circumstances.

Support your dh to see its not his fault and not to measure himself by there in just and incorrect standards.

Have you thought about going No Contact with them all? (PIL, SIL)

My mother is like this with my brother, he is the centre of the world and can do no wrong. She lends him money, runs round after him (despite him being in his 30's) and everything he says is right (despite often clearly being bollocks), his son is her favorite grandchild, whereas myself and my other 2 siblings are the opposite and she quite often forgets our son.
It's nasty and unfair, DH and I have tended to distance ourselves from her, limit contact and ignore. We haven't completely cut off ties as she is still DSs grandmother when she's occassionally remembers. DH is my sanity in this as he makes me laugh at the ridiculousness of her behaviour where I used to cry.

That's awful for your DH. I'd speak to them and if they don't make an effort to change them limit contact and not be too quick to do favours.

Many moons ago I sort of shouted at my ILs, all of them, at Sunday lunch.

I told them that they were making a mistake treating DH like a brain dead idiot, a scapegoat for all their woes. MIL agreed with me (she had her own guilt going on) and BIL told me, not for the last time, that I was no part of his family and could just fuck off.

Of course, he was only drunk, so it didn't count [smile through gritted teeth]

We have been almost 100% NC for 13 years, they will descend on us later, they feel the to show aunts and uncles how much they "luffs their famileeeee" - a long lost Antipodean Aunt is visiting, they want to look good, they rely on her for cheap holidays

I'd just be relieved that your Dh is a decent person.... after living with parents that clearly have done a dreadful job with his sister.

Sorry, but I do think you are coming across as unreasonable. Not because favouring one sibling is ok, but because you just seem really bitter about SIL who doesn't seem to have done anything wrong - apart from interrupt your DH when he was talking about his day to talk about her day, which isn't the crime of the century I have to say! Similarly there is absolutely nothing wrong with being upset by vandalism, and you don't paint yourself in a good light by showing so little sympathy. This is between your DH and his DPs, but it seems like the focus is DH vs SIL (you must be able to see it is not healthy if he is hurt everytime they do something nice for her!).

I think that if DH is genuinely worried he needs to think about what he can do to improve his relations with his parents - whether this be by talking to them about how he feels, asking for specific bits of support, financial or otherwise, trying to understand their position (is SIL worse off financially than your DH? Is she single? is it possible that there are problems that she hasn't confided in you or DH understandably as you clearly hate her? just thinking that the PILs may feel rightly or wrongly she needs extra support). If he genuinely isn't going to get anywhere then he needs to lower expectations and disengage. But I think that focusing on anger to SIL isn't going to do him or you any good.

Fatmomma99
Decent, loving parents aren't just 'emotionally fair' they are financially fair as well! Because financial fairness has a direct correlation to emotional fairness seeing as it impacts on how you feel about yourself and your value compared to your siblings. All well and good saying the money is theirs to do with as they see fit but when they deliberately favour one child it is very hurtful. If they chose to spend it all on a yacht for themselves and nothing on their children that would be fair enough. But to give to one and not the other, when both are in the same financial position, is favouritism and that hurts.

This isn't about money it's about how parents treat their children. I am sure the OP's husband doesn't care about the money as such but he will feel less valued, less important, less regarded than his sister because his parents choose to give freely to his sister but not to them. On top of that, he does stuff for them and she doesn't - a double kick in he face.

I would never in a million years give to one of my three children and ignore the other two. It's just wrong!

mellojello - who wouldn't be bitter and dislike a SIL who constantly undermined their OHs time/relationship with parents? It is easy to dislike the object of adoration as much if not more than the doting parents.

I am assuming your own parents were scrupulously fair and so you have no idea the damage having a golden child in the family can do to the self esteem of the not so shiny ones. It stays with you into adulthood, becomes your norm, until someone else loves you enough to point it out and help you to recognise it and reject it.

I suspect lost of eldest children couple up, as they are usually the ones treated like this and so can understand each others insecurities (I say that based on one or two research articles over the years and my own experience). I know DH and I are quite tigerish about each others family.

And my poisonous SIL has just pulled out of the family get together. I feel like I was unknowingly involved in a game of Chicken - and she blinked first

I'm not saying it wouldn't be a common reaction to dislike SIL - but that doesn't mean it's a healthy or useful reaction. Fundamentally it is the PILs who are causing the hurt. In my experience focusing a lot of bitterness and anger on something that is not the cause of it tends to harm rather than help in the long run - it can be very exhausting and counterproductive. Trying to see what is really causing the hurt and thinking about finding a solution might be difficult and much more emotionally painful in the short term than nursing anger, but it's more likely to lead to peace IMO.

I doubt OP or her DH are trying to be healthy or useful, they are busy enough trying hard not to react, to not show how hurt and angry they are.

The long run tends to go in favour of the golden child, sibs get taught very early the consequences of challenging the family structure.

Yes, it is indeed exhausting trying to find a solution. First you have to workout and fully believe that you have the right to question the status quo, then find a way of opening a conversation that does not result in you being told you are being silly/jealous/nasty, then stick by your guns and not apologise when parents and golden child cry, scream, threaten suicide, cut you out of their will/lives, tell your other family that you are a vile and ungrateful shit trying to steal what is not yours. Then you have to decide the fight is worth it, as you have to have the same argument with monotonous regularity as the other side return to their usual MO at every opportunity.

It really isn't as simple as 'be nice'.

Sorry, but I think that if you want to move on you have to address the underlying issue. And the OP did post here for advice, suggesting she is trying to do this. I'm not saying that they should just 'be nice' - I think they need to address the issue directly with the PILs as I said in my first post. But I do think that in order to do this they have to recognise that the people failing them are the PILs not the SIL. And in the OP I see much more focus on the SIL than the PILs - suggesting that they haven't actually fully taken this on board.

Don't apologise

If you haven't experienced it you can't even begin to understand how hard it is to make any changes, to even recognise the fact that you can!

It is highly unlikely that OPs DH has got his head round his adult reaction to what has been going on for his whole life. It takes quite a determined effort to even want it to change. It is far easier to acknowledge your lowly place in the scheme of things, it hurts less and you get shouted at less if you just shut up. That becomes an ingrained response.

OP is just angry that her DH is hurting and his sister is enjoying her golden status. It can be really hard to accept and golden ones are often very knowing and have a tendency to rub it in at every opportunity.

As I said earlier, I did address with the whole family. It made a difference for about a week - they then proceeded to hate me more than they wanted to punish him and it has been like that ever since. There is no real fix for this. It is just family dynamics. You have to find a way to live with it, cos it is nigh on impossible to change it. You cannot be there t challenge it 24/7/365 Well. not and live you own life as well.

It's one of the reasons so many people decide to live without regular contact with their family. It hurts too much to be slammed back into the childish place they have built for you.

What a load of bollox that all girls are the apple of their father's eyes! My father treats us all with equal contempt unless we cow-tow to his way of thinking!
Plus, there's many a thread here stating that one sibling is favoured over another and it's not always gender based!

Back to OP - I can understand your frustration and desire to protect your family from this. It sounds shit.

As hard as it is to want to slag them off, I would try and focus on building up your DH's self esteem. Make him your focus. Be strong!

Sproket I assure you that what you have there is a dysfunctional relationship. It's nothing to be proud of and no....normal Father's do not favour their DDs because they're "the apple of their eye"

Sorry for not getting back sooner, this is the first time I had had a minute.
I know I need to try and build up DHs self esteem, he is a great husband and father but he has so little confidence and I know that stems from his parents.

SIL I have never got on with, she ran out in tears when we annonced our engagement, try to make our wedding day all about her and loads of other things.
If I was up to me we oils to none contact and almost are already with SIL. We stopped going out with them as a family as SIL would always ruin things and have a strop.
I am gratefully and proud that we have the money to have our own house and live the life we what to live. I just wish they would stop treating DH like shit.