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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel slighted by this..

20 replies

Wannabechic1 · 29/09/2015 22:49

I was going through DH's mobile messages, as you do and came across one to a female barmaid friend who works at a pub that DH frequents... frequently
one of the messages was a link to a song and a message to the effect that he considered buying two tickets for them to attend this concert, but that he thought they probably both wouldn't have time.

There are other (text) examples of an emotional relationship although said barmaid currently has a long-term live-in boyfriend.

I haven't confronted him on this although I have previously over previous texts to the same woman. (lots of kissy emoji and long hugs and mentions of lovely taxi rides home from pub and him saying he only gets to relax when they have time to chat.) By contrast we barely say a word to each other at home, he plays pc games all night, and when we go out also fairly stilted conversation between us.

I should mention I once bumped into them having a morning coffee at the train station, but I didn't make a big deal about it and DH mentioned later that she had had issues other WAG's of pub-goers over being 'open and friendly'

I'm just not sure what to do next, we have 3 DC and earn similar amounts at our jobs but I think it WBU for me to just up and leave over this, wouldn't it?

OP posts:

Tiggeryoubastard · 29/09/2015 22:51

No. And I'm far from a jealous type. You marriage sounds over.

ImperialBlether · 29/09/2015 22:52

God, no, you're not over-reacting. It sounds as though he's having an affair with her to me. But what's the point of living with someone who doesn't talk to you?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/09/2015 22:54

More than slighted.

fastdaytears · 29/09/2015 22:56

Oh it's not about being "slighted". Your DH is having an emotional affair (at least). You would not be over reacting to tell him that this is the end of your marriage/very bloody close to it. and

YellowDinosaur · 29/09/2015 22:57

At the very least this is an emotional affair. And I'm about as laid back and not jealous as you can get.

horsewalksintoabar · 29/09/2015 22:58

OP I don't know if you missed the memo but your DH is having an affair.

CrapBag · 29/09/2015 22:58

YABU to think you couldn't leave over this. He is basically saying he can relax with her but not you. He's treating you like shit and a mug given that this isn't the first time and it's still the same person.

Tell him to stop and cut down the pub trips and try and put some effort in to your relationship or you will have to reconsider your future together. That should tell you if he is more bothered about saving your relationship or this 'thing' he has with the barmaid.

Original poster

Wannabechic1 · 29/09/2015 23:07

Thanks all,

it hurts to hear it, but yes I think I'll have to give an ultimatum and its about 3 years overdue. I may be naive but im fairly sure its at least not a physical relationship, as texts mention he wanted to hold her hand in taxi but decided against it etc. I feel myself rationalising his behaviour

OP posts:

TheLambShankRedemption · 29/09/2015 23:28

YANBU to realise that you have some decisions to make about your marriage. Physical affairs generally don't 'just happen', there are several steps you go through first and they've ticked off a few just from your brief post. I think telling each other about feelings is about step 3 or 4 on Relate's 10 steps to a full blown affair.

If you don't know, there are some incredibly supportive people in the Relationships board that have helped people through this - both in leaving or in salvaging the relationship. AIBU can be a little more robust if you are feeling fragile

Original poster

Wannabechic1 · 30/09/2015 00:18

Thanks Lambshank, I started the post only meaning to write two lines about the concert tickets, and it ended up being a cathartic post.

Not fragile, but conflicted. I will check out this Relate 10-step thing and flag this thread to be moved to relationships

OP posts:

DixieNormas · 30/09/2015 00:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FanOfSpam · 30/09/2015 00:25

You must feel utterly unwanted and afraid. She's a fucking bitch and he's a slavering knob. I wish you peace and happiness very, very soon.

mileend2bermondsey · 30/09/2015 00:40

If you:

are feeling how you are
have a poor relationship with your DH as described in the OP
are going through his messages (trust issues)

I would say it's time to call it quits.
TBH it sounds like youre looking for an excuse to leave. You dont need one. If you dont want to be with him anymore, don't.
BUT
This to me would be more than reason enough to leave anyway.

Good luck

HeteronormativeHaybales · 30/09/2015 00:51

Argh. I am not at all the jealous type, but this is way off, and IIWY there would long since have been a hole in the roof from my hitting it. Sorry

BlueJug · 30/09/2015 08:47

I'm not jealous either and have always believed that I don't control someone just because he lives with me. But mileend2bermondsey has it spot on - as do other posters. The relationship is in trouble and this female friend is only a part of that.

Time to make serious attempts to salvage or leave. Sorry OP - this is hard for you especially with a job and three DC.

surpriseitsme · 30/09/2015 08:51

Oh bloody hell YANBU but you sound very calm and dignified about it all.

Pullingpants · 30/09/2015 08:52

You need to sort this out now, before it turns into a full-blown affair. Sadly, sorting it out may mean making some hard choices if he is going to continue to be a knob. And make no mistake, he IS being a knob.

DoreenLethal · 30/09/2015 08:55

If you don't actually speak to each other, what is the point of the marriage?

BoldFox · 30/09/2015 09:03

The marriage sounds over. So it wouldn't be unreasonable to end it because you want to. ie, if you WANT to end it then you can.

he sounds like he's capable of being romantic, sending links of songs, planning nights out that he'd like to go on, having a quick coffee to chat......... but none of that is with his wife

Don#t get caught up in the "but I never slept with her" line of defence. He'll probably make out that it's like a court case, that in order to have the right to make the decision to end the marriage you must prove that he slept with her. But that's bullshit. You can end a marriage to a man who never finds time for you, prefers pc games, the pub, the barmaid etc etc..

JuneIsBustingOutAllOver · 30/09/2015 09:22

OP have you posted before about your DH and this woman. If so, and it's still going on, I'd call it a day on your marriage. I stayed too long in a marriage with someone who wasn't interested in me and it's soul destroying.

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