Meeting online friends

[FlowersAndShit]

I've been talking to a guy from the US online for 3 years. He's a divorced father with a child and we have talked about meeting each other. However, I'm scared of how my family will react. I live alone, about 5 mins away from my parents, but they treat me like a child and are very overprotective. This is probably because of my long-term issues with social anxiety, agoraphobia and depression but I feel like they want to control me.

I'm 25, he's 34 and I would like to meet this guy, as a friend. How do I go about it? Do you think it's a silly idea? We have Skyped quite a bit and we get on well.

I thought I'd also mention that I did something silly a few years ago. I tried online dating and got talking to a different guy from the US. He was 12 years older and we wanted to meet. My mother went ballistic, calling him a paedophile, took my passport away, threatened to have me sectioned and started stalking me at the library (she turned the internet off at home, so I could only contact him there).

I suppose I'm vulnerable because of my issues but I feel like I'm older now and a little wiser, but they still try to control me. I just feel like I can't take any risks or decide anything for myself, because I fear their reaction.

Um, she was a 13 year old and a 25 year old was trying to groom her online, I think the mother's reaction was quite reasonable in the circumstances. OP, you are an adult now so just go for it. But be aware these long distance things can fizzle out a bit if they meet someone from home. BTW his initials aren't GE are they? Sounds familiar to an Americam I talked to.

Sorry, I misread that as being 12 years ago. Yes your mother sounds odd if it wS recent.

It doesn't say how old she when the issue with her mother happened, just that it was 'a few years ago'.

If you were an adult and he was 12 years older then your mother is insane. Since she was calling him a paedophile I'm guessing you must have been under 16?

Why would you need to tell you parents your plan at all? If you're meeting someone you don't know stick to the usual rules. Meet somewhere public. Make sure someone knows where you are and to expect you to contact them when you're home safely. Don't arrange to meet in a stranger's home etc.

I presume you were underage for the previous incident? TBH I can understand why this would make your parents worry about your judgment in OL situations, even if that it is completely unfounded. I think that as with meeting anyone from online, it's important to meet in a public place first to get comfortable with each other, make sure others have his details and know where you are and so on. But wrt to safety the people who know don't have to be your parents.

I was 22 when the incident with the other guy happened. My mother just acted like she was possessed and it was quite scary. I'm not sure if it's because she feels threatened by him and she loses control and I won't need her as much. I've been dependent on her for so long but now that I've moved out, I feel like she can't threaten to kick me out if I do meet him.

I've just noticed that you want to meet this man 'as a friend.' Rightly or wrongly this is a bit of a red flag for me - why can't you keep the friendship online and concentrate on forging friendships near you. It's quite unusual for someone to travel across the atlantic to meet a friend they've never met before. If he is willing to travel this far, are you sure that he is only interested in friendship? If it's you travelling - then I do think you'd be in quite a vulnerable position. You could meet in a city and not tell him where you are staying (you should do this) - but what would you do if you got there and he started putting pressure on you to come back to his place etc. It also occurs to me - have you confided in him about your anxiety etc? That's obviously only natural among friends, but it also is something that can attract predators. I think that if you are socially a vulnerable person that is all the more reason to meet people in safe ground and get to know them slowly - it's much easier to gauge if someone is honest when they live closer to you and have people in common. The more I think about this, the more I think it sounds kind of like a bad idea.

Oh dear, I've just seen your update. I think your mother's reactions sound overbearing. You mustn't let her keep you isolated. But the decision whether to meet up with this man must be kept separate from the decision with how to deal with your mother. Don't conflate the two issues.

I plan to meet him in a public place. He works for a well known airline (I've seen photos of him and work colleagues in their work clothes), he also has all of his family/friends on facebook.

And sorry for keeping posting, but you say "I thought I'd also mention that I did something silly a few years ago." -- Sorry if I'm missing something but what is the silly thing?

Does your mother maybe still think of the Internet as somewhere where only freaks and predators hang out? I know a lot of people of that generation still find online dating and so on completely bizarre.

Anyway, as others have said, it's really none of her business. Be cautious and stay safe, but otherwise do whatever you like, you're an adult.

the silly thing was planning to meet the last guy and paying for his plane ticket. Lucikly I got the money back.

It makes me feel so powerless. I can't talk to her about it because she starts worrying and asking me who i'm talking to whenever i'm online. It just makes me feel like I'm not an individual free to make my own decisions. I know it sounds silly but it makes me feel like I'm in some sort of cult.

I think if there's a chance he is going to be in the UK for work anyway that puts a lot less pressure on the situation. In that case I think I'd say go for it, with all the usual safety caveats.

Flowers, she sounds really overbearing and unhealthy. You don't have to tell her anything.

She sounds ridiculous. Yes it was probably daft to pay for a stranger's ticket. But it was your money.

If he's here anyway then that sounds like the perfect opportunity, without the pressure of a long visit. I would meet him somewhere public for a coffee and see how it goes. You may find that in real life you just don't like him! Chemistry is a peculiar thing. You can't predict it.

Don't tell your mother.

Your mother sounds like a nightmare tbh.

If this guy is going to be in the UK anyway, then why not meet up?

Although - I think that for your longer term mental health it would be good to meet some people who live nearer to you. By all means via online if that helps you to feel relaxed.

Personal experiences warning.
I got chatting to a guy in an online chatroom once. This was before online dating and was purely a chatroom. We swapped numbers.

I debated meeting him, I was 20 he was 30 but took the plunge.

17 years later we're married with our lovely DD :)

As long as you're safe (public place, tell a friend where you are, text them that you're ok throughout the meet). I think you sound like you could do with reminding your mum you're an adult and you can make your own decisions, however silly she considers them.

Put your passport somewhere she can't get it, if my mum did that we'd seriously be having words.

Oh God Taylia, I'm so sorry that happened to you :(

:o

Thanks all. I wish I could share stuff like this with her without her freaking out. I'll probably not bother telling her until after I've met him and he's back in the US, just incase.