To ask how to set boundaries with DM?

[tryhard]

Background is that when DM was widowed 10 years ago she moved to my area, initially to help with DC but she found that too much to cope with and anyway now cares for her elderly DF so splits her time between him and us. My problem is that when she's here, she's too much & I've no idea how to set boundaries without hurting her feelings. Every time I try, she acts hurts and I feel incredible guilt, she withdraws for a bit and then returns, nothing is said and it all goes back to how it was before. She doesn't generally help with DC but tends to visit when she feels stressed, when things are going badly or when she's at a lose end. She lets herself into my house (even when I'm not there) and tends to dominate & boss me about when she is here. She acknowledges that she has always - ever since I was a child - used me as an emotional crutch, which I find emotionally exhausting & DH knows to not even attempt to speak to me if she's been with me all day to allow me chance to calm down & decompress a bit. But if I tell her I'm busy or have something else on, she acts hurt & I feel guilty because she's on her own. How do I set boundaries effectively without hurting her?

Get her key back or change the locks.
Reiterate - mum, I am the adult in charge here. Don't interfere.
But getting your keys back so she can't let herself in would be a good step.

Really think you should ask to have this thread moved to the Relationships board.
There are some fantastic posters on there who are well versed in FOG and toxic relationships. There's a long running thread called 'But We Took You To Stately Homes' which is very resourceful.

Never even thought to look at Relationships board thank you, will take a look now....

OP, nothing in this dynamic will change unless you change it. You talk about feeling frightened, but equally, the status quo is making you miserable. What do you have to lose? Why is your mother's desire to interfere, browbeat and offload more important than your own equilibrium? Aren't yiur feelings, which are currently being hurt, equal to hers in importance?

Change your locks, develop a verbal formula for setting up boundaries, and set the terms on which you spend time together.

What JosephBrodsky says. Nothing about this situation is going to change unless you change it. At the same time, I don't think you can expect your mum to change (I mean, she might....but I wouldn't be getting my hopes up). I think your choices are; have it out with her, set some boundaries and get your key back, but be prepared that your mum's response probably won't be to say 'I'm so sorry, I've been out of line, you are, of course, a wonderful daughter, wife and mother. Or accept that this situation isn't going to change and will continue as is and get on with it.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. I really feel for you, and think your mother sounds like a nightmare, but it sounds like it's time to decide who comes first in your life - you and your family, or your mother.

Can you invite your mum to two definite things each week. Say tea at 4.30 and games with the kids on another day. You could say I've got a busy week ahead but would love you to come 4.30 till 7 on Tuesday and 1.30 till 4 on Thursday.

Lastly if she bosses you, just ignore her instruction. Change the subject. Or say 'that's a great idea but I'm going to do it differently' and explain nothing. Justify nothing. You can be polite and kind yet firm. 'No thank you'

If she goes silent for a few days and then returns the same. Challenge her as soon as she steps out of line again. Yes she may go silent again and the cycle could be repeated 30 times before she actually accepts your point. Stand firm though. You are an equal adult.

If you suspect t she will turn up you could always text her and say 'feel free to pop over at 2 today. I'm
Going out at 4 but it would be nice to see you for two hours'

Or the second she walks through the door say 'oh it's nice to see you, I've only got till 12.15 though as I'm off out'

I had a version of this with my dm until l was in my 40s as do some of my siblings still. I found this book Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward brilliant. I put it into operation bit by bit and the dynamic changed. Having one sentence to say when she gets in a huff eg lm sorry you feel like that. NO OTHER EXPLAINATION. really is affective as it changes the dynamic that has been going on for years. This sounds a bit harsh but l was in counselling at the time and he said to me..Don't you think it's time you grew up..about my mother stuff and it hit me like a thunderbolt. It was like he was giving me permission to grow up and challenging me to do it. I get your thing about not being able to talk to dh after a session with her as l had on occasion vomited after a session with me. Slowly but surely the dynamic has changed and there is far more respect on both sides. You might need to get counselling but this can't go on. Try that book but you need to work through it. It won't happen overnight and probably will get worse before it gets better. Another thing my dh said you are totally competent in every area eg work friends but when it comes to your dh you are a quivering mess..something is seriously wrong. Also l was doing her no favours as l was actually hating her so no love there.

That should read dm turning me into quivering mess!

It's not confrontational to raise something that's upset you. Its called clearing the air.

When she says something nasty next time tell her 'if you don't have anything nice to say, don't bother saying anything'. If she continues, reflect things back on her with 'You are being nasty because you feel horrid. It might be a good idea to speak to the GP and get some antidepressants or therapy to help yourself'

'Im Sorry you feel that way' is good!

Step 1. Change the locks now.
Step 2. Do not give her a key,
Step 3. Stand up to her.

I'd have lost it if my DM had done that to my DS! She'd never darken my door again.

Some really, really helpful suggestions here, it sounds so childish but it's like I'm having to learn how to be assertive with her because I've never, ever stood up to her. It's crazy, in every other relationship (with DH for example) & in my professional life, I'm assertive & confident. But I am still a child when it comes to her, definitely get the 'don't you think it's time you grew up' comment, but thinking about it I suppose it's in her interest to keep me feeling like a child (& therefore needing her). Thinking about it overnight I think I'm going to confront her about what she's said about my marriage, if it was anyone else I would have shut them down & cut them out, no question. I am getting better at the inviting over for specific times (though this week it clearly didn't work!) so I can implement strategies I know work this week. Reading the thread back through, I'd totally forgotten the other things she's recently done, which goes to show how frequently it happens & how nothing is going to change unless I act. Icdobtvwant things to continue as they are, if for no other reason than her behaviour is starting to impact on DC.

Best way of growing up - change the locks today.

There you go mother, look i grew up and got privacy in my own home.