By not rearranging my early finish day to suits DDs GM?

[S00TY]

I have recently increased my hours at work to almost full time. I get an early finish one day a week. It isn't early enough to decrease DDs nursery placement by half a day but is early enough that I can get back and do something nice with her or nip into the supermarket on my way home to do my shopping so I don't have to drag DD with me at the weekend.

Due to my increase in hours DDs Gran (on her Dad's side) who we always saw mid-week hasn't seen her as much (I think she has only seen her maybe twice in the last 8 weeks). She has asked when would be suitable to see her. I have said we are free some of my short days and that she is welcome to visit at the weekends if she wants, she doesn't want to come on the weekends and therefore we are limited to one day a week. This is fine with me but this is also where it gets slightly complicated.

There has never been a set pattern on when she see's DD but it roughly fell into a fortnightly visit and I know she has had issues before with feeling like she has to ask permission to see DD. I always viewed it as making a mutual arrangement that suited both of us but apparently she didn't agree.

I feel like I'm going to rock the boat by having to decline a suggested date sometimes or giving her a date 3 weeks in advance when she asks because we have other plans, I need to get the shopping in or because I have an occasional Friday night out where she would be staying with my parents overnight. She has said she will meet me at the nursery and take DD out for a couple of hours but this would still involve me coming all the way home (I live quite far out of town) to then have to go away back the way I've just came to do what I need to do.

I do understand her reasoning for not wanting to come to my house at the weekend but as she is suggesting going out with DD I'm not sure why this couldn't be at the weekend sometimes. My boyfriend is here at the weekends and that's why she doesn't want to come and I'm guessing that extends to taking collecting DD on those days too. We've had a bumpy relationship at times and I feel a bit awkward about suggesting that she do that if I'm honest.

WIBU to ask her to do this when the short day doesn't suit? AIBU by not rearranging things to make sure DD is available on these days?

Can you arrange for her to pick DD up from nursery sometimes? If it's agreed in advance then you wouldn't have to drive to the nursery and then back in to town.

Why can't she drop your dd off? Can she collect her from nursery on another day and then drop her home later? Can she not see her when your child's father has contact? I would try and facilitate contact but she is going to have to make an effort as well.

Sounds tricky. Would it be possible for to have DD on a regular afternoon every week, so that she picks her up from nursery at lunchtime and you collect her after you've finished work? Or she drops her home to you.?

Unless there are reasons that you've not mentioned in your op, why not arrange for her to collect dd from Nursery on day a week / or one day a fortnight as a set thing? She could either give her her tea and deliver her home afterwards, or you could collect her afterwards, or even just do something together for an hour (go to the park or make some cakes or something) and you pick her up on your way home from work ?

Can't she just collect DD from nursery on the agreed day and then meet you later after spending time with DD? Rather than you coming back simply to bring DD out of nursery?

oh x-posted
Great minds Delphin

I am thinking about asking her to collect her from nursery. I spoke to the nursery today and it would be on the understanding that I would let them know on the day that that is the arrangement. The only issue with that is that she has broken my trust before when she has looked after DD and I'm struggling to see past it.

DD doesn't have any contact with her Dad and hasn't since she was a few weeks old. DDs Gran has in the past looked after her and created a situation so that DD and her Dad were in the same place at the same time and DD told me that she was told it was a secret, her Gran denied that she said it was a secret but that she did see him. There are many reasons why he isn't involved but one of the main reasons is that he doesn't want to be. On the day DD saw him he asked her to leave his room (he was staying with his Mum) so he could get changed and then left the house without another word.

She is now at an age where this would confuse her and would upset her and although I can't guarantee she won't pull a stunt like that again I am wanting to give it a shot and hope she won't. My concern with regards to nursery is that she might collect her earlier than agreed and do this again. If it's just a short period of time she is out with her Gran I believe it's less likely to happen.

I realise this is my paranoia that is making me think this could happen but for the above and various other reasons I ideally didn't really want her to be involved with the nursery.

That makes it sound like I'm being a bit awkward doesn't it? I'm not trying to be. I just have concerns that's all.

Do shopping online

Can't for where I shop. Wish I could.

never under estimate the value of grandparents. You really need to find away to facilitate this relationship. Picking up from nursery one day sounds idea.

Does your DD enjoy spending time with her grandmother?

Your ex sounds like a charmer .

DD is your daughter first and foremost (as her dad has opted out) - if you would rather she didn't go to her GM's house then she doesn't go to her DM's house.

Why can't GM visit at the weekend as that is your only real free time? It may not be the most convenient to her, but why should you be the one doing all of the compromising? Especially in circumstances where you may have let her care for DD more had she not broken your trust previously - and told your DD to lie about it!

My children were lucky to see their grandparents four times a year, due to where we lived and busy lives. Once every three or four weeks is plenty, given difficult circumstances. You and your DC have busy lives to organise.

I don't underestimate it honestly. I've tried as best I can to keep a relationship going, especially through times when quite frankly it would have been a hell of alot easier to walk away. I've made sure she has had a relationship with her Aunt's, Uncle's and Cousins from my Ex Husbands family and it has been very difficult for me at times. But ultimately it's not about me, so as a result (and against my own judgement at times) I've pushed to keep contact.

I guess she does enjoy it to an extent but they aren't very close. I didn't restrict the time they spent together ever but often the visits lasted less than an hour. It has increased latterly but it was still only a couple of hours maximum and fortnight.

She doesn't want to visit at the weekends I can only presume because my boyfriend spends the weekends here and she feel's awkward or doesn't want to meet him. I'm not sure. I can understand that. Not really sure why she couldn't take her out at the weekend but I'm not going to delve into that.

I've suggested tonight - after writing this thread that she could collect her from nursery to which she has agreed. I've offered other week days to fit in with her but she said only my short day would suit. Guess we'll just need to go with that and see how it works out.

So she's desperate to see her dgd but can only do so in the one day that is less convenient for you? And has abused your trust in the past? Fuck. That.

I'd tell her it's weekends or nothing. Unless you're happy for her to collect your dd another day (and be clear with the nursery about the time she's allowed to collect her)

She's playing power games with you

I'm happy for her to collect DD on the short day as long as everything is above board and there is no sneaking around. Unfortunately I have no guarantee

DD would tell me so I guess we'll give it a shot. I really do hope it works out.