Issues with DM

[LadyLonely1]

Hi Mners, i need some help/ words of advice with what's going on in my life.

The problem is with my family. My mother has been emotionally abusive throughout my entire life. My childhood was so traumatic, I often wonder how I even survived it. She picked me out from my other 3 siblings and really took it out on me. She seems to believe that being a good mother to them that she was a good mother all round if that makes sense.
This set me on a path of becoming an anxious,stressed people pleaser, and she controlled me by showing me affection when she needed something and taking it away.

She is very sociable, charming and someone people are drawn to. Family/friends somehow got the hint to treat me differently from my siblings and its very evident till today. My siblings are also very much controlled by her and although today we get along, they will never acknowledge that she was wrong in what she did to me.

After uni i moved away and being away helped me see how toxic my home life was. I met my dh and I truly feel that my entire life of misery was made up for by meeting him. He has helped me through so much, most of all by just believing me. We now live in another country from my family and this has been so therapeutic for me. We however go back home once a year however he does not ever leave me alone with them and I cant bear to be.

The situation right now is that she is very ill. And this is where my battle is, I feel truly awful but I don't feel much for her. I don't wish her any bad, just don't want to feel obligated like I should care. I feel so angry thinking about all that I went through, Just feeling like I don't want anything to do with them, then feeling horribly guilty about thinking of an ill person this way. I don't know how to stop this feeling of guilt and obligation as it sometimes just consumes me. Late last year she had a major op, and when she told me It didn't cross my mind to go visit her. She asked me to, so i flew 14+ hours and I think the fact that she had to ask me to come rather than me jump and offer irked her, so she took it out on me when i got there. My dh was not able to come with me. That experience set me back to my childhood and it took me this entire year to move on. It really was traumatic and I feared leaving home again.
She is ill again right now, so what do i do. How can i stop feeling so obligated and guilty like i should be doing something.

Sorry for my long rambling on and very long post. Thanks for reading.

Firstly, for you because it sounds like you are in need of some support. On the one hand, you are able to acknowledge that her treatment of you has made you a people pleaser, but, on the other hand, unable to turn off the urge, especially given that that the person you are always trying to please is ultimately her.

The only way you can deal with it is to keep going and remind yourself that there is nothing you can do to change her - all you can do is change the way you respond and react to her. You did what she wanted - you went to see her when she asked you to, and her way of 'thanking' you was to treat you appallingly. You can't fix your relationship with her, all you can do is protect yourself and try not to let her ruin what peace and self-acceptance you have found for yourself. Her illness doesn't make her a nice person, and you shouldn't jeopardise your mental health to do anything for her, especially as it sounds like she wouldn't appreciate it anyway.

I think that, in your situation, I wouldn't go. You already know how you will be treated and how you will be affected by it. I think I would have made a serious effort to break contact with a family who treated me as their scapegoat. I also think that we reap what we sow - she has treated you badly all your life and she doesn't deserve your help and care just because she thinks you are obligated to give it. Stay away, live a happy life with your DH and don't let your 'family' and their skewed view of you continue to damage your mental health.

Don't go. You have other siblings, so it's not as if she will be alone, and she is poison. Put yourself first.

Thank you all, and you are right. Its just that I need to keep reminding myself of that over and over. Its difficult to completely cut contact as I also have lots of other family who when we visit will ask me questions as all they see is this lovely 'close' family. Its just so hard sometimes.

I could have written that post myself about my own mother. I think something you need to recognize is that she is never going to change. I spent years trying to make myself into someone my mother would love and it was futile because she just didn't want to and never would no matter what I did.

I think you need to make decisions purely based on what is best for you. If you don't go and see her and she does pass away do you think you will regret this? Or do you think that you could just cut all contact and walk away? It really depends on what you think long term will be better for you and if the gain of cutting contact would outweigh any guilt you might feel at not going.

I only have one sibling and I was the one singled out. I have to say that it is my attitude that if they want any looking after in their old age it is up to him, because they didn't look after me, I don't owe them that duty. I would be tempted to say the same applies to your situation.

Thanks Booyaka.

I also struggle with feeling if I had to cut contact then I feel like i'm doing something 'wrong'. You're right in that my siblings reaped the benefits of a mother growing up. She has conditioned them as well, however they still had good childhoods.
I don't know, is putting myself first selfish? I mean looking at it right now, someone ill vs someone in a good position, should I be doing the right thing or selfishly putting myself ahead.

Not selfish, just sensible self-preservation.

Well ask yourself, when you were growing up, did your Mum put you ahead of her own selfishness? I think she probably didn't, if she's anything like my mother, and just used you as a whipping boy for her own frustrations.

The thing about putting other people above yourself is that you normally find those exact same people will put you above their own needs when push comes to shove and you're in a tight spot. It's not a one way street, there is give and take. It sounds like your mother is doing a lot of taking but none of the giving. You're not obligated to her. Only give as much as you can give without it being detrimental to yourself, if that means not going then don't go.

I mean looking at it right now, someone ill vs someone in a good position, should I be doing the right thing or selfishly putting myself ahead.

This good position you mention - is this the one whereby your mental health can be negatively affected for up to a year after spending time with your mother, even when she has asked you to come? Because avoiding that doesn't sound like selfishness, it sounds like survival.

Booyaka - You are right in that she would selfishly put herself first. What's difficult to reconcile is that she was so normal and loving to my siblings, yet in the very same situation she was so different to me. In a way if she treated us all badly, then i could understand something was wrong with her. But so calculatingly picked on me. And then put on a united front to everyone else. I just don't get it.

DoJo - You've made a good point. It took me a long time after my last visit to be ok again. I cant let that happen again.

my dad is dying of cancer, so i have been told. that is the end of my knowledge and concern.

I know, I know. It's scapegoating. A parent focuses on one child as the source of all their ills. It avoids them having to confront their own faults and failings. The rest of the family is perfect in their eyes apart from this one blot. It's horrible, it was the same for me too. Actually these days my mother has to some extent admitted what happened and expressed some regret, but my brother is in total denial and still refuses to admit that there was anything wrong with my childhood because his own was happy. It's like he thinks that because my parents were good to him they were good parents to me too, he can't see that they behaved differently to me. And he bloody should do, he went through a period when I was about 13 and he was about 15 and he would not refer to me by my name but instead referred to me as 'slag' or 'whore' and my parents absolutely refused to tell him to stop it or punish him. They allowed him to carry on doing it. You would think that he might remember things like that and realise that things weren't the same for me but apparently not! I have often felt the same, you feel like if you had a sibling in the same situation at least you would have an ally. But by treating everybody else well they isolate you in your own family. It's horrible. I don't think you really owe her anything. Do what's best for you and don't feel guilty.