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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my DM is prejudice?

29 replies

Acorn44 · 26/09/2015 16:44

Chatting with my DM today about a charity event a family friend is completing. Family friend is blogging about this and we've all been impressed with his efforts. This week he happened to mention, in the blog, how much he appreciates the support of his kids.

DM was immediately horror struck with the use of the term 'my kids' and 'wished he'd stop it' ... as they are not biologically his. They are the children of his male partner from a previous marriage to a woman. This friend and the children's biological dad are now in a happy, long term relationship and are very open about their sexuality.

What aggravated me is the fact, were they the step children of a female partner, she'd have had no issue, but instead, she says she found it offensive. Was I being unreasonable to call her homophobic? What really vexed me was the fact the rest of the family sided with her too!

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 26/09/2015 16:52

Some people are just ignorant and closed minded. Not easy when it's your family though.

LemonBreeland · 26/09/2015 16:57

If it had been a woman I would have thought it was wrong as ìt would not be her children, just as they are not his kids. I think he wrong to call them his kids unless he is raising them in the absence of their mother.
However if she is being purely homophobic then YANBU

CheekyMaleekey · 26/09/2015 17:06

But they're not his kids. If he was a woman there'd be uproar if she called another woman's children her own.

Charis2 · 26/09/2015 17:15

They are not his kids. They also wouldn't be his kids if he was a woman,

Gottagetmoving · 26/09/2015 17:17

No, they are not his biological kids but why would anyone get worked up because your friend said 'my kids'??
It's none of your mother's business or anyone else's to be offended.
Your mother is not being homophobic if she would feel the same if it were a step mother saying the same thing. She is being homophobic if it is because he is a man living with a man

roughtyping · 26/09/2015 17:20

op, YANBU and I disagree with the posters above. My DH refers to DS as 'his', he raises DS as his own, and is around much more than his bio father. Not a nice attitude to have.

Spartans · 26/09/2015 17:20

If you know she would have no issue if your friend was a woman (the kids step mum) the. Yes it's prejudice.

However I think him referring to them as 'my kids' is not on at all and would think whether it was a man or woman using it. It's just not right, they are not his kids.

BlueJug · 26/09/2015 17:23

They are not his kids though. She is not being homophobic. (That does not mean she is NOT homophobic but this remark is not evidence of that). Still she is not helping good relations by saying so.

If she made the same comment about a man's girlfriends' kids what would you call her then?

I think it is a bit quick to label her with a whole mindset on the basis of a remark

Booyaka · 26/09/2015 17:28

Someone female on my Facebook refers to her DHs kids with his ex wife as 'our boys' and 'our sons' (they have a DD together). Their own mother has them at least 50% of the time. I really do find it very odd and normally designed to negate the position of the parent they are not in a relationship with's position. Unless one parent is pretty much permanently absent I do not like it at all. Are you sure your mother wouldn't mind if it was a woman?

Original poster

Acorn44 · 26/09/2015 18:23

Bit more info: in a previous relationship, my partner had young children. I remember DM telling me that if we stayed together long term, his children would be as loved and welcome as 'any of my other grand children'. It was that, along with her continued insistence on using the term 'queer' (apparently, it's a 'generation thing and nothing to do with homophobia') that made me bite today more quickly than I normally would have done.

When with that ex, I must admit I would refer to the children as 'our children' (we had no children together) as I wanted them to feel wanted and accepted. There was genuinely no intention to cause offence to their mother. Perhaps I was wrong (well, naive) to do this?

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 26/09/2015 18:29

If an ex's partner referred to my kids as hers I reckon is be fairly pissed off.

Autumnnights1 · 26/09/2015 18:33

I wouldnt want my ex's partner to refer to my son as hers either :/ and theyve been together 12 years.

Original poster

Acorn44 · 26/09/2015 19:04

It's all a long time ago now, but at the time, I would have wanted my partner's kids to have felt as valued as any we may have gone on to have together. For instance, I would never have said, 'is it OK if we bring our children and our step-children to the party tonight?'. For me, it was more about the children's happiness than any insecurities their birth mum may have had.

To be fair, in hindsight, I do now appreciate what you're saying Oyster and Autumn. Maybe I didn't think about BM's feelings enough.

That said, as a teacher, if communicating with a parent who happens to be a step-parent, I would still refer to 'your child' and the majority of step-parents will still contact me to discuss 'my/our child'. I always see this as a positive. I would far rather that than a step-parent who doesn't give a shit.

OP posts:

SenecaFalls · 26/09/2015 19:16

I call my stepchildren my children. Happily their mother is fine with that and actually appreciates the contributions that I have made to their lives.

My own stepmother did the same. And my mother had no issue with it at all for the same reasons.

StormyBlue · 26/09/2015 20:00

Hmm, but most step parents probably wouldn't contact a step child's school as the actual parents would be doing that instead and it would usually seem like overstepping a boundary, so the ones you describe may not be representative of most step family set ups. I would not call my DSS my kid, because it would be very disrespectful to his actual mother who I consider a friend. Equally I would feel uncomfortable if my dad remarried and his partner called me her daughter, or if OH and I split and his new partner called my son her (or his!) son. Generally speaking, I think people who try to elbow in on the mother/father role when the child knows or has known their biological parent are doing it for their own ego rather than for the child's benefit.

Maybe it stood out to her more because of the same sex relationship - which, yes, exposes that she might be inadvertently a bit prejudiced toward gay people, but not because she is unfairly denying him calling himself the father of someone else's children as you make it seem.

InimitableJeeves · 26/09/2015 20:55

They may not be biologically his children, but I really can't see why it's anyone else's business if he chooses to call them that. I think OP is right, I doubt that her DM would have thought it worth commenting on had the partner been a woman.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 26/09/2015 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 26/09/2015 22:21

IMO if they're married, they're his step kids. If they're not married they're his partner's kids. Either way they're not his kids, regardless of whether his partner is male or female. If he adopts them, then they're his kids.

Junosmum · 26/09/2015 23:51

It depends on the family dynamic. I know a few steps families, some have 2 mums and 2 dads (or 3 dads and 1 mum in one case), all adults say "my kids", some families don't like that so have dad and partner or mum and partner. Do you know your mum would have been fine if they were hetero couple or are you assuming? One makes her homophobic, the other just makes her not unders that some families work that way.

Lelania · 27/09/2015 02:33

I wouldn't refer to my boyfriend's children as my children. It would feel weird.

LaLyra · 27/09/2015 06:24

I think it's entirely up to them how they address the children in the family. My DH refers to my twin daughters as his DD's and their step-mother refers to "the kids" or "our kids" when she's talking about them and exs younger child. Ds1 is technically my step-son, but to me he's my son. We're all happy with it and the kids are all happy with it, nothing to do with anyone else.

If your mother's issue was the fact he was a male partner then she was very unreasonable. If she was just of the train of thought that only the biological parents should use my kids then she wasn't being totally unreasonable (but should never say anything to the family as it's not her business).

Original poster

Acorn44 · 27/09/2015 12:32

Junosmum - She was fine when I was about to be a step mum and even referred to my partner's children as 'the grandchildren'. (I was later traded in for a younger model, hence no longer an issue ).

Inimitable - you're absolutely right. She would never have commented if his partner was a woman, or if she did she'd have thought it was 'lovely'.

Personally, I think how you refer to step kids is a personal thing and don't feel I am really in a position to say one term is more appropriate than another. Key thing for me is that, whatever the term, all children involved feel loved and valued.

In this instance, the argument at home was really down to the fact the family friend is a man in a relationship with another man and they have children in their house. That's the only reason my DB had a view too. I am more rational about it today, but still find it hard to accept that the people I love - and generally respect - can be so small minded .

This isn't the first time that my own views re sexuality have been belittled within our family. I have been told I am 'ridiculously liberal' and 'just don't understand the real world'. I could open a whole new thread on the gay marriage family debate. What pisses me off most is the fact DM will not openly admit to being homophobic. For example, she appears to get on well with this family friend, but then continually makes little digs in the safety of our close family.

OP posts:

Junosmum · 27/09/2015 13:10

Then yes, she's prejudiced!

ShebaShimmyShake · 27/09/2015 13:15

Yes, she's a bigot, but she may be of a generation that isn't likely to change its views on this. Doesn't make it right, but you should firmly let her know that the old ways are gone, that this is a good thing, and that she isn't fighting a moral crusade but actually oppressing people from being able to love as they please within consenting and faithful relationships.

SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad · 27/09/2015 14:57

Do you mind Sheba? I suspect that I'm quite a bit older than the OP's DM, but I certainly don't take kindly to being lumped in to a sweeping generalisation of being 'of a generation that isn't likely to change its views on this' Try not being condescending - you'll be patting us on the head and saying, 'There, there dear, would you like a nice sing-song?' next...!

There are bigots and ignorance in every age-group - and I suspect that my generation is no different to any other. I have several friends who 'did what was expected' and married when young, but have since settled happily into long-term same sex relationships.

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