to think I need help

[crumblingtonothing]

Im sat here alone crying as I write this. It may be rambly apologies in advance. Posted here as I frequent AIBU

I dont know what is going on with my life. I feel low and friendless and worthless. I have just moved from the city of my dreams back in with my parents. I feel like a total failure. I had to move home as I can't afford to live there anymore due to all my CC debt which is over 6k due to my frivalous spending in my old city thinking I was 'it'. I have no friends, no money and no job. Have been searching for 6 weeks and had several interviews but no one wants to hire me.

I struggled with my MH in the past, have attempted suicide twice and self harmed regularly, I have never told anyone except my ex and never went to the doctor about it. I feel like I am falling back into the same feelings. I havent felt this way in about 2 years. Im finding it a desperate struggle to keep my head straight and normal. Anyone who shows me the least bit of kindness I latch on to but eventually they abandon me and I feel even worse. I have taken to meeting people of tinder just for some friendliness and sense of normality but then feel even worse when they are no longer interested.

I honestly just want to die. I just feel so useless and pathetic. I cant see myself becoming anything but a loser. I am so close to cutting myself but I dont want to fall back, im so close to the edge.

I think you need help. Please call the doctor asap. Talk to someone. Goodluck.

Ok first things first. Gp first thing Monday. They will take you seriously and can help, I promise.

Now you probably won't believe me about this but 6 weeks is no time at allot be looking for jobs. It's hardly time for your applications to be shortlisted.

You've had a huge life change. Moving house is up there as one of the most traumatic things you do in your life. It's no wonder you're down.

What do you enjoy doing?

I havent registered with a GP here yet. I want to go but I dont know what to say or how to start the conversation. I fear just sitting there not saying anything or making up some other bullshit why I am there or that the doctor thinks im being a prat.

My job is a crappy easy to find anywhere job and I cant even do that.

I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that you probably are depressed and could benefit from some counselling, therapy and a trip to the GP.

On a practical level, six weeks is really very little time to be job searching - it has taken OH and I both months in the past, and something came along eventually. It will for you too, if you just keep at it!

I know 6k must seem a huge sum, but it's not an unmanageable one, at least once you start working (and presumably stay living at home for a while). I'm not saying it's small pence either - but some people run up hundreds and thousands, so by comparison it is something you have a fighting chance of getting under control. Have you spoken to any debt management companies to help you manage a repayment plan? I think the government offers free advice.

Small steps, OP - reach out for some support and take it a day at a time.

Things will get better.

When I've struggled to articulate in the past, I wrote everything down, then summarised it and just presented it to the GP.

Think writing it down is a good idea as ladyshirazz suggested.
When i was suffering from stress/anxiety/depression i just went in and spoke my mind. I felt a fraud. Felt maybe i couldnt justify why i had an appointment. He was understanding, listened and then put forward a course of action. The tablets [citalopram] helped as did the councelling so hang in there. It may just help to talk.

Call 111, as you aren't registered it makes sense that you can get an emergency appointment today or tomorrow.

Every single time I have felt bad enough to see a doctor I have felt better after seeing them.

Phone 111 and tell them it's urgent

This is what I get from your post - a) a woman who has bravely admitted she has financial problems and has taken the first step to solve them by moving back home b) an incredibly strong person who managed to stop self harming without any professional help and who is still managing to keep it at bay even under huge pressure c) a woman who knows what she wants in life ie: a job, a social life, good health d) an articulate person who has explained how she feels really clearly e) a woman who is much, much too hard on herself and probably depressed. Take what you've written above to the doctor and get some support. Things will get better.

The 111 advice is good advice. How is your relationship with your mum? If you can't call can you let her read this thread and ask her to call for you?

Lord, I hope you are a woman and not a man or I've probably just made you fell a whole lot worse!

You're in a deep well and you need to come back up to the light. But in order to do that, you'll need a rope and some help. Go to the GP. Pills, counselling, whatever it takes, get the help and THEN you will have the clarity you need to move forward with your life. The debt is not horrendous. £6000 is a lot but it's manageable. No friends? You'll get those. No job? You'll get that too. Right now do what you have to do to get help and clarity. Don't live out your past. That's done and dusted. Use the present to seek wellness and believe that your future will bring good things to your life. But get help now.

Thank you all for your advice and time.
I will try writing what I'm feeling down instead, good suggestion.
and Clare thank you for your kind words.
I will try ringing 111 I am just so scared. I have rang Samaritans in the past when at my lowest as I feel safer being confidential. I will try, I cant go on like this.

At my lowest I used to write stuff down for my GP..

I do hope you feel better soon.

Ring 111. Be honest.