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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not lend money to a friend knowing that she will need to sell some family heirlooms

31 replies

eedon · 26/09/2015 14:23

She hasn't so much as asked, but given very obvious hints and I know she would accept it. She knows I've lent to another friend as it worked out to be good business for us both and it was all legal and documented. However I don't really want to do it again.

I know she has some very valuable war medals and some non reproduction antiques that she keeps hidden away, so I know she isn't desperate but she has said shes getting them revalued. Surely that's what they are there for?

She's gone through a breakup and lost her job a few months ago and nothing else lined up yet.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 26/09/2015 14:34

Ignore the hints and make none committal 'I'm sorry to hear that' remarks to any money worries moaning.

Don't lend to someone who is mega skint unless you're ok losing the money.

Andrewofgg · 26/09/2015 14:53

Shakespeare got it right:

Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
or loan oft loses both itself and friend

Don't do it. Even if you did it before and escaped without loss.

Andrewofgg · 26/09/2015 14:53

*For loan - damn it!

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 26/09/2015 15:00

She is not destitute if she owns valuable, saleable, items.

I also would not offer to lend money to someone without the means to pay it back. And especially not to someone with assets they could easily live without. Nobody needs antiques.

I'm not mean, if I had a friend in desperate need and I could afford to lend some money then I would. But only if I could afford to consider that money as gone & forgotten about.

BlackeyedSusan · 26/09/2015 15:02

she could sell the items to you, though get it documented. give her x amount of time to buy them back. only if this is what you want though.

suzannecaravan · 26/09/2015 15:02

she has assets which she can easily liquidate she doesnt even need a loan

Thighbrow · 26/09/2015 15:05

Although she may not want to sell the family heirlooms she does have means to access funds should she be really desperate. Don't worry, yanbu.

BigRedBall · 26/09/2015 15:06

Ignore ignore ignore. Not your problem..

Garrick · 26/09/2015 15:12

I was going to make the same suggestion as Blackeyed, if you have the money and don't mind helping. Basically, offer to be her personal pawn shop! It could only work if she accepted you might eventually have to sell the things, though - at least in such a case, they may have gained value and she'd get some benefit from any sales.

Muckogy · 26/09/2015 15:12

don't do it.
no excuses and no explanations - just tell her no.

Squishyeyeballs · 26/09/2015 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CloakAndJagger · 26/09/2015 15:27

Don't do it. Quickest way to lose a friendship is lending money, particularly to someone you know will struggle to pay it back.

Original poster

eedon · 26/09/2015 15:54

She's very behind on her rent and will have to vacate current place in a matter of days and doesn't have the next one lined up. I know she won't go hungry, as she has stored a lot up for this and has hidden some money away when she stopped paying out for rent, water, phone and credit card debts. I've offered to give her some money to put on the gas meter but she's said that's OK, but she needs help with the bigger costs with the next move.

Not sure if she's serious but she's talked about presenting herself as homeless to the council. She was fun at times, now she's a bit of a liability.

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 26/09/2015 15:57

She stopped paying her rent and instead started to hide the money away against the day she'd be thrown out? Does she have mental problems - that really doesn't sound right?

Vernonon · 26/09/2015 15:59

You very clearly won't get the money back so the question is do you want to gift a large sum of money to this friend? It doesn't sound like you do.

Wish I hadn't lent to my best friend - it meant the end of thd friendship and going through the torturous process of the small claims court.

Lunastarfish · 26/09/2015 15:59

Please don't lend to her. She should have paid her rent instead of stashing cash away. From what you have said it seems very difficult to feel sorry for her and necessary for you to help her

suzannecaravan · 26/09/2015 16:00

she doesnt sound very rational eedon and whilst we like to help our friends I wonder if any help you give will backfire in a way that means you get tangled up in her mess?

RustyParker · 26/09/2015 16:17

She won't get accepted as homeless by the council if she was evicted for rent arrears as she would be classed as intentionally homeless.

If she has this attitude towards money and has no way of paying you back then I wouldn't lend her the money I'm afraid.

AspieAndNT · 26/09/2015 16:31

She was fun at times, now she's a bit of a liability.

That's not very nice. I am sure she will be fun again once she has a regular income.

Andylion · 26/09/2015 16:35

OP, you are under no obligation to help her out and I don't blame you for not wanting to. Ignore any hints.

However, "I know she has some very valuable war medals and some non reproduction antiques that she keeps hidden away, so I know she isn't desperate but she has said shes getting them revalued. Surely that's what they are there for?"

I think family heirlooms are to be treasured and passed down generations. If they have to be sold, then she can sell them, but I disagree that "that's what they are there for?"

As for this bit, "She was fun at times, now she's a bit of a liability.", geezus, you come across as very cold.

WorktoLive · 26/09/2015 16:39

Do the antiques etc have huge sentimental value? But even if they do, they can't so important that she should hang onto them when the roof over her head is at risk?

Why is she squirelling away money instead of paying her bills? Is she being delusional and/or receiving bad advice from somewhere, or is she being deliberately dishonest/decietful?

I wouldn't lend money anyway, but her obvious inability to prioritise sensibly confirms that this is the right decision.

WorktoLive · 26/09/2015 16:39

Sorry, forgot to say, has she been to the CAB or Shelter etc for proper advice?

Andylion · 26/09/2015 16:41

Cross posted with AspieAndNT; I am a very slow typist!

Original poster

eedon · 26/09/2015 16:47

She's taking advice from someone, not me and I don't really want to know the details tbh. Apparently she was running out of money so decided to start squirelling some away and not pay the full bills. As this was going to happen eventually she's apparently just made the inevitable happen a few months earlier and with some cash still spare. Anyway I really don't want to involve myself at all, so I'll just be a head nodder. I'd give small amounts as gifts and not expect to get it back, but not a huge sum.

Im not being cold, I've known her since we are at uni and is a lot of fun. But long before she lost her job she was becoming a liability, in many ways not financial.

OP posts:

Garrick · 26/09/2015 17:07

Does she have an addiction problem? Not suggesting it's your problem if she does, just thinking how familiar it sounds - the story generally goes this way when there's either an addiction or some other illness taking up resources.

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