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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ddad being U or am I?

22 replies

Esmeismyhero · 26/09/2015 10:01

I love my ddad and he is very very set in his ways which is fine.

He can be controlling but agIn that's just ddad and there is no point in pulling him up on it etc.

I've gone Way with dh for 2 days and ddad and dm are looking after dd and ds.

When he came to the house yesterday he was having a Whinge at me because the house wasn't prestine (I have two under 5) it was perfect in my eyes and that dh and I had a take away the night before and we were packing in the morning not evening (we spent the night before playing with the kids before we went away and we're not leaving till 1030am anyway).

Last night we called to say night to kids, we were not allowed Hmm

This morning called to say hi to kids, he said no because they are fine Hmm

He then started "telling me off" because ds had homework he didn't do, it doesn't have to be in for a week and we wanted to do it with him, he got it on Friday ffs, I've had a little cry.

I have always accepted my ddad like this but I'm actually angry :( Aibu?

OP posts:
ChickenTikkaMassala · 26/09/2015 10:03

He's being an arse.

MrsLeighHalfpenny · 26/09/2015 10:04

None of what you say seems like a big deal on it's own. If the kids were settled and happy I expect he didn't want you to upset them.

However if it's a constant drip drip of criticism over the years, I can understand how you might feel.

Original poster
Esmeismyhero · 26/09/2015 10:11

It is a drip drip, we see him I everyday which is great, kids love him a lot etc but I feel like a chil still, being reprimanded about everything. They are my dc and I'm not a bad mother. He makes me feel it sometimes though.

OP posts:
MrsLeighHalfpenny · 26/09/2015 10:23

My DM is a bit like that. Nothing ever quite good enough.

Try to ignore him. Easier said than done I know. But youre confident in your abilities as a Mum and homemaker and thats what matters.

he loves the kids and they !ove him, and he is a handy source of babysitting!

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 26/09/2015 10:31

Why arrange them to do the childcare if he always comments and you don't like it?

Perhaps he felt you put your own needs above theirs with this break so the digs were caused by that rather than just being honest with you.

NotMeUsNotIWe · 26/09/2015 10:35

My dad can be a bit like that, he finds it difficult to see his adult children as adults and he is someone who always thinks his way is the only way.

It took me a long time but now I very calmly pull him up when he oversteps eg "thanks dad but DH and I will decide that ourselves" then change subject. It can be difficult but I refuse to get into discussion/debate with him over things that are not his business. I've also perfected a look now which I use if he starts, he gets the message!

It's not easy op but if you want to change this you need to change how yourespond to him. You need to put boundaries in place.

Original poster
Esmeismyhero · 26/09/2015 10:37

notme this is exactly how the situation is.

I feel like a 30 yr old kid babysitting his kids sometimes.

cookie he was very happy to look after them, it's the first time we have been away from dc and been arranged for months so I don't think it's because he feels I've put myself before them.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 26/09/2015 10:39

You see him everyday and he always critiscises you.

Why would you choose to see someone everyday who is unpleasant to you?

Move to a new town! New country even!

CPtart · 26/09/2015 10:41

Why do you see him everyday? That would drive me bonkers. FIL has been like this with SIL and their DC since day one, it has driven a huge wedge of resentment over the years and completely soured relationships all round.

NotMeUsNotIWe · 26/09/2015 10:45

I was in my thirties before I started to push back too so it's not too late Smile. It's hard because in my dads case he means well but he's very controlling and of course my mother just accepted it and as children we were conditioned to do the same. So he was never really challenged.

You need to ask yourself honestly though are you a bit dependent on him? You say you see him every day. Do you automatically tell him problems, ask his advice on things out of habit rather than deal with them yourself? Because that can kind of encourage them to think you can't manage on your own, that you need their help/advice...

Original poster
Esmeismyhero · 26/09/2015 10:52

My dsis and I live next door to one another, she is a single mum to 3 dc (under 5) and we share the cooking (I cook two nights then she cooks) for the whole family, 5 dc, dm and ddad, my dh and then dsis and i.

We don't mind but sometimes I don't feel like cooking (like Thursday pm) and we got a takeaway and it was selfish because I was meant to cook but didn't. I gave plenty of notice mind you.

He means well I know he does but even when dsis and I have a grumble at eachother he makes a huge fuss that we shouldn't argue etc etc I'm just upset I haven't talked to my dc I guess.

OP posts:
NotMeUsNotIWe · 26/09/2015 10:57

I'm not sure I could live my life so intertwined with my parents and siblings! I don't know how this arrangement developed op but is there any way you can change this? It sounds suffocating to be honest. How does your sister feel?

NotMeUsNotIWe · 26/09/2015 10:59

Actually how does you DH feel? I think mine would crack up! I mean he's fond of my family and we see a fair bit of them but that's just a lot of time spent with the extended family

Original poster
Esmeismyhero · 26/09/2015 11:25

There's no way I can change it apart from moving, which isn't an option. My sister loves it and I do too, I love my family and we are very close.

My dh is fine with it, sometimes he gets pissed off and so do I. If we want alone time as a family we just don't join in etc, ddad and dm come for a coffee at the weekends and I'll say we're not into a dinner tonight etc and they just go to my sisters, it's a good arrangement, dsis and I share the load.

If I'm sick she helps me and vice versa. We share the school drop offs and pick ups, if someone is skirt then we all club together to make their ends meet etc.

The pros well outweigh the cons, my dsis is my best friend and dsis and dh get on very well as well. He has taken an almost big brother role to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Esmeismyhero · 26/09/2015 11:26

And the kids love it, they are all the same ages bar the baby.

They have sleep overs and play together all the time and the 4 yr olds and 3 yr olds are in the same classes at school.

OP posts:
CPtart · 26/09/2015 14:53

You may be "very close" geographically, but maybe not in the sense that matters if you can't tell him how you feel. DH and his sister maintain they are a close family, but they talk about their parents behind their backs all the time! If your situation pans out as my IL's have, it's a recipe for disaster. And yes, they live next door.

Chippednailvarnish · 26/09/2015 14:57

Your domestic set up is my idea of hell. But each to their own...

diddl · 26/09/2015 16:30

Why can't you change it?

Do you all eat together every evening?

It sounds as if you have your place & this was a way of showing you.

Not allowed to speak to yourown children??

SquinkiesRule · 26/09/2015 17:03

You need to tell your Dad he doesn't get to dictate when you can or can't speak to your own children, he has overstepped the boundaries there.
He needs to know this.

NerrSnerr · 26/09/2015 17:07

He can't dictate whether you speak to your children. It sounds like boundaries are really blurry,

DontMindMe1 · 26/09/2015 17:53

You live in each others pockets and remain codependent on your family members. You get treated like a child because that's the dynamic you enable. Families can be close without being so suffocatingly codependent on each other. You think you have a good set up but as you're beginning to notice -you are not 'allowed' to do your own thing as an adult/family without explaining yourself - like a child - to your 'elders' and then HAVE to tolerate the negativity they throw your way.

The set up you've got going is NOT healthy for anyone in the long run. As for your dad - he sounds like a controlling, abusive arse and you allow him to behave like that with you and your kids. You're under his thumb/control and you think this set-up is all normal and above board. No - it's designed to keep you in your designated role within the family so any deviation from that role, or any INDEPENDENCE you show WILL get shot down.

I can understand YOU feeling it's good to live like this because it's YOUR family - but your husband? i don't understand how he can be ok with this - no man with a backbone i've met would be happy with his inlaws having this much control over him or his family. I mean - who the FUCK does your dad think he is telling you that you're not ALLOWED to speak to your own dc?!!! Both you and your dh need top grow a pair and stand up to this bully. i would not allow ANYBODY - not even the queen herself - to dictate to me whether i was allowed to speak to my children or not. i certainly wouldn't allow them to get away with it. Why didn't you just tell him straight that it wasn't his 'place' to decide whether you could speak to your kids?

You don't stand up for yourself against this controlling bully and you're allowing him to exert his negative influence over your dc too. The only way to deal with this is to start acting like an independent adult who has control over their own life.

OhFuckWhatHaveIDone · 26/09/2015 18:04

If we want alone time as a family we just don't join in etc, ddad and dm come for a coffee at the weekends and I'll say we're not into a dinner tonight etc and they just go to my sisters, it's a good arrangement, dsis and I share the load.

I'm not sure I'm understanding this - do your parents never cook for themselves, and eat in their own house?

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