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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel like dp always puts me laat

13 replies

Dinobab · 25/09/2015 21:17

I had something i needed to do this morning that is really really important to me and needed to be done today and as soon as possible.
Our toddler is currently Satan and makes it hard to do anything.
I needed his help with toddler and mostly I needed him to pick him up from nursery. Hes only going for 1.5hrs ATM to get used to it.
His brother phoned him, car broke, needs him to go and help.
So without even remembering that I needed his help because I have stuff that needs doing he goes of all morning to help his brother. Comes back at like 1 and apparently needs to leave again to drive his brother a 2 hour journey to go and get stuff for the car
So I'll be dealing with getting toddler to bed which at the moment is a 2 hour long screfest of him refusing to stay in bed, taking his nappy of weeing on the floor, climbing up the furniture in his room etc
It seems like he's either at work, or helping one of his family members which means I never get help.
I was crying to him last night about how stressed I am ATM. I just got over a constant 3 week long anxiety attack where I could barely function struggled even getting toddler dressed and to nursery and fed etc
He promises hell help me. Then basically doesn't. Now hes back at work for 4 days, 7-7 so I'm kn my own again.
He even left me the first night home from hospital with out newborn (after 4 nights in hospital where he was home sleeping all night) because his mum wanted him to do something so he stayed at her flat.

It's fucking constant. He does help when he's here but I always seem to be getting left to deal with everything and he doesn't seem to care that I'm struggling.

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Chebs · 25/09/2015 21:25

I think I would have had an absolute melt down if my DH had left me alone the first night home from hospital with our newborn!

Your DP is coming across as extremely self centred and utterly oblivious to your needs. This is the first thing I would be speaking to him about, as well as setting out some mutually agreed ground rules for things he can take over to help you. Perhaps a regular weekly evening where you can have a few hours to yourself?

MsVestibule · 25/09/2015 21:27

YANBU, obviously. It sounds awful, especially at the moment when you really need his help. I don't have any advice - how do you make somebody care for you more than they do? Why on earth would his mother ask him to stay overnight at hers the first night he could have spent as a family?

TendonQueen · 25/09/2015 21:31

That's not on. Have you any family you could go and stay with for a bit? If you're doing anything for him (cooking, washing) I'd stop and just rest as much as you can when not dealing with toddler.

Dinobab · 25/09/2015 21:31

His mother is horrible. She also had a strop at him the first night after DS was born, because I hadnt eaten all day and it was 9:30pm so dp was going to go grab me some food from the shop before visiting hours ended, she threw a strop because it meant he'd be about 20 minutes longer getting to hers and she wanted him to go to the shop for her Hmm
Seriously.

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Dinobab · 25/09/2015 21:37

My dad is having DS for me tomorrow so I can at least get my flat sorted out and have a break but it annoys me that it's my dad helping me and not dp and I'm just really starting to resent how little he seems to care. It's like he has forgotten that the only reason he can just swan off doing whatever he likes is because I'm here to look after toddler I just wish he could put me before other people for a change and realise that I need more help.and tst if I ask for his help and he agrees then its really not fair to change plans last minute because he'd rather help his brother, so I get left in the shit.

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MsVestibule · 25/09/2015 21:41

What do you think your options are? You obviously can't carry on like this.

Chebs · 25/09/2015 21:46

In all honesty, I would have said 'Oh darling, you will have to find a sitter for DS if you are helping your brother. Its completely unsuitable for him to be around car/tools etc...' as I walked out the door.

It isn't something you can carry on with, I mean - realistically - does it even make a difference if he were not there? Do you find that you are fairly self sufficient when it comes to DS care and house?

DoreenLethal · 25/09/2015 21:47

What is the point of him exactly?

Dinobab · 25/09/2015 22:00

I'm definitely pretty self sufficient with DS and housework etc,I lived on my own with DS for 1.5 years (dp is his dad, we just didn't live together) until recently when everything's gone to shit and I'm behind with everything..
I have social anxiety so he does things like phone calls etc, but he makes out like its some massive effort but I sort everything else out. I can only ever remember 3 phonecalls hes helped with anyway. He makes such a big deal out of it even though it's so easy for him and causes me so much stress, but because its mildly inconvenient for him hes rather I did it and stressed out majorly over it :/

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GreyBonnet · 25/09/2015 22:18

This is none of it your fault. Toddlers are hell. You were self-sufficient for 18 months and as Doreen remarked your DP doesn't seem to be adding anything to your life despite being (I assume) now resident. So gather all the strength that got you this far and carry on. I'm glad you have your Dad but I agree with your reluctance to lean on him too heavily. Your choice is to take your DP on as another child or send him back to his Mum as he's obviously no use to you. I'm sorry for your troubles OP - good luck.

MsVestibule · 25/09/2015 22:22

I was going to ask what his good points are, but TBH, that doesn't really matter. He makes you feel bad about your social anxieties and is rarely there for you when you need him. What made you decide to move in with him after quite a long time living by yourself? Circumstances (e.g. one of your tenancies coming to an end) or a genuine desire to be a 'family'?

CassieBearRawr · 26/09/2015 01:06

Parents don't 'help' they parent. And right now he's doing fuck all. What's the reason that you were in a relationship and had a child together but not living together?

Dinobab · 26/09/2015 08:00

we didn't have a child on purpose, were quite young (not that young, 21) and had only been together a few months I was living with my mum then in temporary accommodation so we didn't live together because we never had done I guess

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