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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask whether DD will suffer if I don't make any friends at the school gates?

22 replies

aqueo · 25/09/2015 13:59

DD started reception 3 weeks ago. She's an only child and her preschool wasn't local, so I don't know any of the other parents.

The reception unit has 2 classes, so around 60 children. It has its own little playground outside the classrooms separate to the rest of the school, and it just feels absolutely rammed full of people at drop off/pick up time. So far I've barely managed to catch anybody's eye to smile at, let alone talk to.

If it was down to me, I wouldn't be too bothered about whether I made any friends there or not. I'm not an unsociable person - I have my own friends - I just personally don't feel as if I need to get involved with people simply because our DCs happen to be at school together. I've read a lot about school gate cliques - but quite honestly, I couldn't care less if other people are in cliques! I would be more than happy to drop and run - and it's very easy to time it so I'm not hanging around as we only live a 2 min walk from the school. I also work 2/3 mornings a week so can't hang around on those days anyway. (We could arrive earlier though if I really wanted to.)

But I'm worried that if I don't make an effort, that DD could suffer. Because she's an only I feel it's especially important that she gets invited on playdates, party invites etc. And I know they might be more forthcoming the more parents I'm chatty with.

I know it's early days! But if 3 weeks have passed without me talking to anybody, I could easily see weeks turning into months. Is DD likely to suffer as a result?

OP posts:

Topseyt · 25/09/2015 14:09

As you say, early days yet.

I doubt she will suffer. She will gradually be getting to know the other children in her class by now, and she will probably become friends with some of them as time goes by.

Even if you were to befriend particular parents, there is no guarantee that your respective children will become friends, or remain friends even if they start out as friends.

See how things pan out. I would think that as your DD's friendship group develops, so your contact with those particular sets of parents will increase naturally.

If you don't want to participate in school gate politics then for several days of the week you have the perfect excuse not to - i.e. you work, so you have to drop and run.

bigbadbarry · 25/09/2015 14:12

Party invitations in reception are often for the whole class and come home in the book bags - it won't matter whether you know the parents or not. Your DD will choose her own friends in time. Don't worry!

DamnBamboo · 25/09/2015 14:12

Being friendly with the mothers of other children in the your childs class, if always a useful thing.
I would say that from experience (not myself I should add, I try to be polite and smile at everyone - some people think I'm mad!) it will make a difference and the amounts of playdates and trips to the park after school etc. (and probably) party invitations is likely to be less. But does it matter?
I wouldn't worry too much about it. If she's got friends at school and seems happy enough, then does it really matter? As long as nobody is wilfully nasty to her

DamnBamboo · 25/09/2015 14:13

Anyway, you've only been there three weeks. Give it time. Reception parties are often whole class and so you will get to meet people there. Give it a go, you may like some of them. A lot of my good friends are mums from school.

yorkshapudding · 25/09/2015 14:15

Plenty of children are dropped off and picked up by childminders, grandparents and family friends etc. I doubt they are all friendless. Come to think of it, my own mum worked full time so she used to always drop me off and run to start her commute. She wouldn't have had time to chat to anybody let alone 'make friends' on the school run. I can honestly say it didn't have any impact on me. I was never without friends, got invited to parties etc. Your DD will be fine.

BetaTest · 25/09/2015 14:20

No she wont suffer. I didn't make friends at the school gate.

Far too much time and energy invested in worrying about this stuff in my view. Once your child reaches age 11 and go to senior school you will never meet any other parent - guaranteed.

TeenAndTween · 25/09/2015 14:25

I think DD2 would have been helped if I'd been able to make more friends at the school gates. It is easier for parents to arrange 'playdates' with parents they chat to than with those they don't.

motherinferior · 25/09/2015 14:30

I've met quite a few secondary school parents, actually. And they're lovely.

OP, give it a go. There are probably some really nice people there.

blobbityblob · 25/09/2015 14:32

As long as you invite other dc round now and again to build the friendships she has a bit, it's no problem at all. Which can be done with a note in a friend's bookbag leaving a phone number. Probably not important in reception year, but year 1/2 she'll be begging you for friends to come round.

Over time you'll be speaking to the parents of the friends she makes, just to make arrangements and you end up with a network of acquaintances without any effort.

I don't think it's important for you to make friends. Just look normal and pleasant so somebody will be happy leaving their dc with you for tea.

passmethewineplease · 25/09/2015 14:36

I probably would make an effort to chat. I have made some lovely school gate friends. We all help one another if it's needed regarding pick ups/drop offs and parties.

You'll probably be seeing these woman for the next 5-6 years, I thought like you at first but I feel the next 5-6 years will be a lot more pleasant now I've made some friends/chatted.

You don't need to go and make loads of BFFs but a friendly chat is not much really.

Shambambolista · 25/09/2015 14:36

As a year 1 mum I didn't think I'd make any friends.... And actually I've met a really nice group of women who I'm happy for my ds to be round their houses having a lovely time and vice versa.
I definitely think its better for my ds that I make an effort with playdates etc, and by chance its made me really happy too

laffymeal · 25/09/2015 14:41

My school gate friendships were entirely led by my DC. They would come out of school and say "Can X come round for tea/to play" and I'd ask for them to point the parent out. Then I'd approach the parent and say "our DCs seem to have hit it off, would they like to come round for tea". In most cases it went well and the invitations were reciprocated. Over time I became good pals with quite a few of the Mums I met through DCs primary school friendships.

TheAuthoress · 25/09/2015 14:43

I doubt she'll be friendless, but I think it certainly helps if you're friendly with some mums. I work part time so get to see other mums at collection time and find it's been good for arranging more casual meet ups, like Saturday afternoons at the park or coming back to mine for a cuppa after school etc.

Parties etc.... I would say it's about half DS being invited because he's friends with the kid and half because I'm friendly with the mum.

I thought I'd want to drop and run as I didn't want to get involved in playground cliques, but have met some really lovely mums and we've become friends independently of our DCs.

ProfYaffle · 25/09/2015 14:44

It's very early days yet, give it time.

I didn't set out to make friends at the school gate but when you get to the stage when your dc is begging to have a particular friend home you have to start making contact with other parents. I was always happy to approach people in this 'functional' way to arrange playdates etc. (Well, maybe not happy exactly but I did it!)

Over time friendships between parents and families tend to develop naturally once the dc are firm friends. I'm 7 years down the line now, another 3 to go and I'll really miss the community of the school once dd2 leaves. There's no need to force artificial friendships for the sake of it, but it makes sense to be open to meeting new people.

AsTimeGoesBy · 25/09/2015 14:59

I'd say she won't suffer, but it will make things like playdates and parties an awful lot easier easier if you do make friends, so it is worth the effort.

The other big benefit is helping each other with ad-hoc childcare, if you need your DD picking up from school one day because you've got an appointment for example. Also organising to pool the effort of taking them to extra-curricualr activities, I share the Scout run with several other parents and it saves us a lot of effort.

Ant thirdly, I've made some really good friends myself, and some of these these will definitely survive the DCs leaving primary school for secondary (oldest have gone already).

But it's very early days, take your time, carry on trying to catch other people's eye and smile, it doesn't happen overnight.

BBQsAreSooooOverrated · 25/09/2015 15:01

As they get older they make their own arrangements anyway. I haven't really made any school gate friends, I prefer to turn up just as they're kicking them out at pick up time.
My ds is 9 now and he has loads of friends, they play out most days after school and weekends if they or we are about.

ExConstance · 25/09/2015 15:04

My experience was always that the DS made a friend and then I would get to know the parents. I've always worked full time and had a nanny for part of the time the children were small so I seldom took them to school and if I did I didn't have time to hang about. My children always had plenty of friends, invites etc. You can't manufacture a friendship for children just because you get on with their mother, they know their own minds on this sort of thing from a very early age.

stateoftheart · 25/09/2015 15:32

I made lots of friends with DS1, had
Lots of play dates ect ect.

DS1 now in secondary and doesn't see any of the old friends, doesn't really remember having more than a few friends over.

I am not working full time so don't do the sch run as such but pick up from after sch club. I will invite my childrens very best friends over and that's it. Again I don't see the impact this will have on the DC if they don't have a variety of classmates over, by the time they get to secondary it's mostly forgotteb

Sparklesandglitter · 25/09/2015 15:55

I'm worried about this as dd will be in wrap around care 5 days a week, how will it work if you never see parents? Thanks

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 25/09/2015 17:42

I'd make the effort. Some of my best friends are those that I met at the school gate. We're still close even though our DC are now at secondary school and don't bother with each other any more.

It's also really useful having friends that know what is going on in school and can text 'have you remembered that they're dressing up as x next week' etc so that yours isn't the only one still wearing uniform! It's also useful if you're running late to have a mum you can text to pick up your DC for you.

I know that people say that the school gate is difficult and cliquey but I didn't find that at all.

Mintyy · 25/09/2015 17:47

She will make friends herself, you don't have to engineer anything. I've had invitations to parties and tea after school for my children come home in their book bags. You don't have to make the effort with other school parents - I don't suppose I would have done if I'd worked full time.

But I am most fond of a number of people I've met at the school gates! And, like motherinferior, I've met some very nice folks at secondary school too.

redskybynight · 25/09/2015 18:12

I'm not friends with any of the parents at my DC's schools - and they are in Y5 and Y7. The only time I think it matters is if you are in a small community everyone knows everyone sort of school. Otherwise your DC will make their own friends. if you're worried about playdates, why not invite home whoever your DC seems to talk about most? Chances are a parent may come along too and it will be easier to get to know them than in a crowded playground.

I think there is a difference between "Friends" and people you are on vague chatting terms though - I have plenty of "vague chatting terms" people who would help me out in an emergency (and vice versa). I agree it's useful to get to know people at least in this way - "friends" is a different matter!

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