….to believe that the grass is really greener on the other side?

[longingforthesun]

Long time lurker but my first real post on MN. A bit about ourselves- DH and I in our early 40s, two school-going dc. We are both specialist physicians progressing reasonably well in our careers. We arrived as immigrants to America 8 years ago, and much toil and sweat later, now enjoy a good lifestyle.

Of late, however, the distance from our immediate families is starting to bother us quite some, and we are questioning if we really want to live long term in this faraway land. Plus, the extreme consumerism, the heavily car-dependent lifestyle, extreme weather (where we live), the defensive nature of our work (welcome to the modern practice of medicine in the US), the individualism of the society and prospects of extortionate cost of higher education for our children (should they attend college here) further fuel my dilemma.

Dh shares my sentiment though admittedly is a lot less vocal about it! Professionally, our prospects in our home country are really not great and in a strict material sense, we have done rather well in America. Except for this nagging doubt and dissatisfaction!

Would appreciate some words of wisdom from fellow MN-ers:

Should we just return home and bring up dc closer to extended family? The upside will be for the kids to grow up among their own, in hopefully a much less consumer-driven environment. The downside of course is significantly diminished career opportunities for both of us; probably much less options for higher education for dc as well.

Maybe this is just mid-life crisis /misplaced nostalgia for our former lives, and I never had the courage to say this to anyone openly. So, on this anonymous forum, I am sharing it with all you wise people, what are your thoughts? Please feel free to be as honest as possible.

Sounds like it's all swings and roundabouts, doesn't it.

I think you and DH both need to set aside an evening and make a 'pros and cons' list: List everything great one side, everything crap on another, then compare lists. Then mark the list in order of priority.

Or just listen to your heart.

Good luck!

We moved to the US because Dh is a physician and we are still here. If he had wanted to go back at any point, we'd have gone. he didn't but I did and the way it worked out, after a lot of though, we stayed. honestly if both of you want to be home, i would seriously consider it.

Obviously where home is matters a bit. If it is truly devoid of opportunities for your children and yourself you would be better off staying where you are.

Also think carefully about how your children will feel. If they are pretty young then that is fine. If they are older (8 plus) then they truly feel american and a change might be hard.

There are loads of options in the US too. Where we live is no more consumer driven than home (less in some ways), we don't need a car to go everywhere and we have a lovely life.

the trouble with being an emigrant is that you always have a parallel life going on in your head - whether you stay or go, you will always wonder what the other life would have been like.

If I were you, I would sit with my husband and list all the issues you are thinking about - income/education/close to family/rearing children in your own culture/opportunities etc. then look at the list. one item will eventually rise to the top as the most important one- whether it be financial security or being close to family. If you both agree on this, then you can make a decision.

Good luck. it is hard.

the trouble with being an emigrant is that you always have a parallel life going on in your head - whether you stay or go, you will always wonder what the other life would have been like.

How very true!

However, I would caution that that feeling doesn't go away if you return to your home country. I lived abroad for many years, but eventually chose to come back so that I could be closer to my ageing parents. I don't regret it, but I am always wondering how things would have been different if we had stayed.

mmm, maybe you could move inside the US to somewhere less consumist and individualistic. Personally I would not want to bring a child up in a individualistic culture as the surrounding culture gradually has more influence on our children than our parenting.

broken, I don't think the OP and her DH are from the UK. "Home" is somewhere else.

broken, OP didn't say she was from the UK.

Without knowing where 'home' is OP it's hard to advise, can you tell us?

Personally l wouldn't want to settle long term in the US for all the reasons you've mentioned. However I'm not from the UK and will be heading home myself at some stage, regardless of whether it's more beneficial for me to stay in the UK or not.

We are 2 doctors in the UK currently considering emigrating to Australia! Think very carefully and do your research.... You will likely find work easily but will be all in the NHS and you will notice a big difference in the lifestyle this will afford you compared with the US. Although admittedly the litigious culture is far less than the US it is increasingly important here and we are practising evermore defensively. That said, the NHS is a fantastic institution and something Britain should be proud of and coming from the US I expect you would enjoy that. The problem is that it is an unsustainable model with an ageing population and consumer driven healthcare. As doctors working in the system for over 10 years facing huge pay cuts, changes to our hours and pensions we feel that to have a reasonable work life balance we need to look elsewhere.

I understand. I've recently emigrated to Australia and so am far from my family....DH's family are here. I decided to leave the UK because the reality of being near to my family was simply that I hardly saw my sisters or brother or their kids despite us living within 8 miles of one another.

I saw my mum but none of my family ever wanted to do get togethers or days out....we only visited at Christmas and it was always me making the effort.

While I adore my siblings and am sure they love me, they're just too busy and wrapped up in their own lives to share....we all have DC but never get them together.

We've moved to Australia where there is much more emphasis on getting together with family and mates...and I am happy so far.

I think that you should think about the reality of being near your family...will you be getting together with them? Will being near them improve your life in any tangible way?

Oh...and kids in the UK are very brand aware and into a consumer lifestyle. They just are. I've noticed that here in Oz, the kids are much less interested in that sort of thing.

Thanks so much for everyone's responses. As some of you correctly guessed, we are not from the UK. Not very comfortable disclosing our nationality at the moment but suffice it to say that where we are from, our career options are really severely limited; (assuming we can even find positions in our area of expertise).

Thank you to everyone that responded though! So much kindness and perspective flowing in from complete strangers- heartwarming to say the least!

Same position, OP - we have a very good life here in the US, but there are several strong points calling us home - free healthcare, cheaper university etc, which hopefully mitigate the higher taxes and slightly more limited options. We have decided to stay a few more years and then go. Which is easy to say now, and will be much harder when the time comes. But ultimately, we don't feel the US is a good country to grow old (and sick) in, though it's a wonderful country to be relatively young, healthy and wealthy in.

I'm not sure where you're living now, but there are many small towns here in the US, especially in rural areas, that are in desperate need of resident doctors. Small towns have their own issues, but are usually less materialistic than bigger cities simply because there aren't the mega-malls and shopping centres nearby. Your income would probably be lower, but so would the cost of living. Have you considered relocating?

And remember that your children will learn a lot from your example. My two sons are surprisingly unmaterialistic and unimpressed with 'things' despite having been brought up with large retail areas within reasonable driving distance.

Just as acrossthepond says, we live in a really nice community (right next to major NE city) where kids aren't any more consumer driven than kids I see in UK/Ireland, they don't hang out at malls and are generally living life like anyone else

I have 3 teens and in my experience my teens are actually less exposed to alcohol, drugs and sex than they would be at home (alcohol is the norm for 16 year olds at home, but not where I am now). My daughters are astonished at what my friends' daughters wear going out aged 14/15. It just doesn't happen where they are. But there could be stories from the other side too - shocked at what american kids are doing etc.

So not saying one place is better than the other - it isn't and home is home but US isn't awful either. People grow up, go to college, have friends, live their lives - there are even many happy american retirees. I'm happy that my children are growing up here. Just sad that they also couldn't have grown up in my home country.

Yes, alcohol also not the norm for teens here, and we're in a fairly big urban area. I hate reading all the posts about UK teens routinely drinking at parties.