WIBU to get back in touch with my sister after going NC?

[JammyGem]

I posted at the time about my sister's lies and behaviour here - long story short, she is an compulsive liar, and the final straw was when she told some far-fetched story about being diagnosed with cancer. As far as I'm aware she's still going along with it, and claiming to have hospital appointments etc. She had also lied in the past about being raped to get herself out of a sticky situation, just as I had finally summed up he courage to go to the police about being raped myself a few years earlier (who then were very dismissive, and as wrong as it may be, I do blame people like my sister who cry rape for the police not taking me seriously)

Since a load of abusive texts when I called her out on it I haven't heard from her. Our DDad also had a few phonecalls and texts telling him he needs to "talk to his daughter" and sort me out etc. He had a go at her when she phoned, then ignored everything from her from then on, and hasn't spoken to her since it all blew up. As far as I'm aware she hasn't contacted him recently, but I don't think he'd tell me if she had anyway.

I feel bad because the whole family has turned against her. My aunt was diagnosed with cancer last year, but thankfully after a series of ops has had the all clear - they do worry though that it may return at some point. Apparently my sister (not knowing any of my aunt's health troubles) turned up at my uncle's house one morning, started being all cheery and friendly, then mentioned that she has cancer, telling her ludicrous story about going to A&E and having test results returned within two hours saying she had cancer - my uncle, having been through his wife's treatment, knew this was bullshit and told her to get out and never speak to him again. So now no-one in the family is talking to her at all. Apparently even her kids won't have anything to do with her.

I know I did the right thing calling her out on her bullshit, but other than the lying she is really a kind, generous lovely person. I miss my sister and would love to get back in touch, but I don't want to deal with her lies. If I got back in touch she most likely would tell me to fuck off anyway, but I'm hoping that maybe all this recently has shook her up and made her realise that I won't put up with being lied to.

WIBU to try and see if she has changed? Or is it best to wait for her to contact me? I worry that I'll never speak to her again - which I know was the whole purpose of going NC, but I really do miss her.

I believe in second chances (relentless optimist here!) and as you say, you'd both be going into this with eyes open so perhaps you could build a fresh relationship?

Think carefully of the reasons why you have gone NC with her, the decision cannot have been taken lightly. She is responsible for her actions, she has put herself in this position by her behaviour.

Lying about being raped and having cancer is fucking abhorrent.

Why would you want to invite that back into your life again?

I know, I know. It's like she's two different people - my lovely, kind sister who I really care about, and the manipulative lying bitch I went NC with.

I just want my sister back

Tbh op, if your sister has changed then would she have ended the cancer story with her getting the all clear, and moved on? I'm sorry, I remember your original thread, but I don't think this will end well if you get back in contact

Yes, totally - and a bit mad too. Of course she hasn't changed. Compulsive liars don't change. If you want her in your life then it is on the basis that she lies about stuff like that.

To be honest, it seems that your sister does have some kind of personality disorder and possibly mental health problems. To that extent, I think she is deserving of sympathy. However, the question is whether it's going to do you or her any good to be in contact. I'm not sure it is. Btw, while I see where you're coming from, it is unreasonable of you to blame false rape complaints for poor treatment of rape victims. The number of false complaints is by all accounts proportionally tiny. People exaggerate the fear of false complaints because they're inclined to disbelieve complainants - it's not false complainants themselves who are causing that circumstance. Poor treatment of rape victims is solely the fault of the authorities with the responsibility to deal with them.

sorry, don't know what NC is and i can't find it in the mumsnet acronym list. And I haven't read all the replies. Dealing with pregnancy related pain at the mo so can't think straight!

I am quite interested in what lies behind such a high level of compulsive lying, but i think it's quite possibly like other issues like addiction, ie, if you've got it, it's YOUR issue, do something about it! There are very few exceptions to this rule.

Sounds like you're probably right about her not having cancer but i was just wondering if you've got proof?

"as wrong as it may be, I do blame people like my sister who cry rape for the police not taking me seriously". This is not entirely wrong at all, obviously the police should treat every claim of rape seriously, but it makes their job 1000x times harder that people wrongfully claim that they were raped. If anyone I knew made a false allegation of rape they would have to do a hell of a lot to convince me they'd changed, realised the extent of the damage they'd done, and had/were trying to make amends, and they'd have had to have had one hell of a messed up life (that wasn't their own fault) to make me want to even listen to why they think they told this lie.

There's so much cultural pressure in society to have a happy family, but also financial etc pressure too for those of us who are skint.....but I know there are often cases where the best thing is to resist this pressure and face up to the reality of what the person in question really is. We're responsible for our kids, and to a certain extent for kids in the extended family. Other than that, you don't have any control over who you're related to and if they're toxic and you've tried, then you have every right not to deal with them until such time as they sort themselves out, if they ever do. Sometimes it's best to think of the good people in your life that you don't get to spend enough time with and think "why would I spend time with this toxic person when I can't even find the time for coffee with a mate", I often find that mentioning this to people in your situation helps.

I'm sorry she's such a nightmare xxx

NC= No Contact

Jammy
You only really want half your sister back. You want the fun friendly half but you don't want the attention seeking compulsive liar back. Unfortunately she comes as a package deal, you can't have one side of the personality without the other.

You haven't turned the family against her. She did that herself with her lies.

Can you accept the person she is as a whole i would think about this

There is a reason why she does what she does that you can't fix and may never understand only she can change if she wants to understand herself

You're right, I have to accept her as the "full package" and I just don't want to deal with her lying manipulative behaviour. I just wish so badly that she'd own up or apologise or at least try to make amends and admit that she's been lying to us but she won't.

When I confronted her about the cancer claim she said that if I didn't believe her then our dad can go with her to the consultant to prove it. My dad is always busy at work and can never get time off, and is notoriously difficult to get to go anywhere, especially as he gets older and his health is failing. She knows this. When I said to her that we both know he wouldn't be able to do that, but that is like to come with her instead, she said she didn't want me there. She may well have been telling the truth but I just don't believe it, the two hour turnaround on test results doesn't seem likely to be. She also has form for mirroring others' crises to get attention, and this all came out just as her mother was (understandably) getting a lot of attention and sympathy after being diagnosed with terminal cancer.

The rape claim again she may have been telling the truth, but the fact that the police were looking to prosecute her for wasting police time makes me think she was lying - I can understand them not taking it further if there was no evidence, but if they actually wanted to do her for wasting police time then they must've had strong evidence that she was lying. I also know it's wrong to think that the police didn't take me seriously because of false rape claims, but I cannot help feeling that that was a factor - I guess it was just bad timing that after years of being afraid to go to the police, when I finally do they were completely useless, and she was making her claim at the same time.

The sister you want doesn't exist.

It's really difficult to know TBH and I don't think anyone on an internet forum can advise you. MN tends to be a bit NC-happy. Nobody here can know whether your sister is lying (it's possible, it is equally possible that she did receive a cancer diagnosis within two hours in A&E - not all cancers are created equal, not all are diagnosed in the same way, so many variables with treatment etc etc). It's possible that she was raped. It's possible that she wasn't. It's also possible that it wasn't clear cut. We simply don't know. You've said yourself that the police were useless, could they have been useless with her too? But if we assume that she is lying - what do you think makes her lie? Is it a new thing or has she always done it? It is a compulsion that can be overcome (I have overcome it myself).

Would your sister engage with any family therapy? YWNBU to stay NC if that's what you want but YWNBU to try to rebuild your relationship either. If there is a chance of genuine reconciliation I would take it, what have you got to lose? I definitely wouldn't rely on the perceptions of people on an internet forum who don't know you or your sister, have heard one side of a story and don't actually know anything.

She's not going to be the sister you hope for. In the future if she stops lying and takes responsibility for her shit then maybe she could be but it sounds like she has no intention of that.

If you do communicate again, you will have to set very very rigid boundaries and I'm sorry to say I suspect she will breech them right away.

She turned everyone against her by lying. You didn't even open their eyes, her faking having cancer and your aunt's situation did that