lady of leisure/enjoying retirement comments

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

Less than two months ago I took redundancy and am now sahm to a one year old and a three year old. Since then I have had a million comments about being a lady of leisure. These are usually meant in jest and followed by the suggestion I go back to work for a break, so I don't really mind.

Today my retired mum rang after returning from a month long holiday to canada/usa. After hearing that I had been up all night dealing with a puking 3yo, she asked how I was "enjoying my retirement". She didn't follow it up with anything acknowledging the reality of the situation so I said something like "not much like retirement, sole charge of two preschoolers, is it? To which she responded that she meant it must be easier than doing that plus going to work. So I'm not quite sure where she gets off comparing it to retirement. I couldn't be bothered to argue with her but am left feeling really pissed off at her insensitivity. She was a sahm from the moment she conceived me, and didn't go back to work until I was a teenager, so never did both with little ones. And advised me against taking the redundancy as she found it hard being a sahm herself. In fact, the last time she looked after my two for one day I came back to my house in a state she fell asleep in the car on the way home she was so exhausted.

Aibu to find "are you enjoying your retirement" offensive, especially when she is a retired herself, knows I intend to return to work later, and knows first hand it isn't a walk in the park. I may be oversensitive having been up all night cleaning up sick and having to entertain a stir crazy toddler while looking after her sick sister. Grrrrrrrrrrr.

Is there a backstory here? Because you seem to have massively overreacted to a misplaced tongue in cheek comment.

It was a sarcastic comment she made, but not a hypocritical one, since she wasn't trying to make out you were enjoying yourself, nor that the vomming was enjoyable; she also knows you know she struggled herself.

Is there an element of warning in her reaction: "I may be back from hols, but don't ask me to help!"?

You can vent on MN instead, since we've all been there!

Only real backstory is that when I said I had applied for redundancy she went off on one about how she hated being a sahm when we were small. The thing is that I don't mind the tongue in cheek comments, I usually say har har, have you met the dcs and they laugh and agree that I should probably go back to work for a break. This may have been slightly sarcastic, but it wasn't in jest at all, she said she thought my house must be cleaner, and I said not really because when they were at nursery it stayed clean and now I spend much more time cleaning and they spend much more time making it a state again. And a comment that my brothers (older) kids were made to tidy up frequently so it doesn't get messy, which I found particularly ironic given the state she handed mine back in last time. I am wondering whether a month away is long enough for her to have forgotten what the reality of mine is like.

God, she sounds depressed and resentful about her SAHM years. Is it not that which is really pissing you off? She really ought not to be dumping that on you.

So I guess I do think it is hypocritical. It was a metaphor but I don't think she meant it in jest, she really did think I was having a nice relaxing break. I don't mind people joking about it, but I quickly gave up trying to tell her she had said how hard it was when I was small as she appeared to have developed amnesia.

Even more ironically, I started the day (while dealing with pukey sheets) thinking that I should remember to thank my mum for everything she must have done for me when I was a child.

I never knew how she felt about my childhood until I said I was taking redundancy and she warned me off sah. But yes, she did seem to have some pent up feelings about it. I guess I thought she would respect that it isn't a holiday.

Sorry, it's probably a nasty shock. I hope my own children never know how I've vented about them!

I get a lot of those "lady of leisure" comments as I'm a SAHM of three, 2 at school and one at preschool. The questions about when I'm going back to work have also started as my youngest goes to school in September. I usually just reply that I'm not going back as actually they need me at home more than ever the older they get, childcare is prohibitively expensive and they're only there 6 hours a day. If it works for you, it's nobody else's business to be honest

it doesnt stop though, I have comments for working part time.
just sour grapes op.
perhaps she feels guilty about her comments about not enjoying being a SAHM

Our mothers say odd things though dont they, when I was off sick I was made to feel wrong for watchign TV, being in pain etc.. by my own mother.

Thanks all. Adjusting my mindset to being a sahm from quite a senior role has been harder than I thought so I think that is part of why I took it to heart. I have been thinking about it this afternoon psychoanalysing myself and the crux of it is that a large part of her argument against sahm was that she always felt like an inferior being, subjugated by my financially abusive but the term didn't exist then father/breadwinner. And she didn't get her sense of self-worth back until she went back to work, because he placed no value on her contribution to the family by bringing up the children. (She still thinks all their joint assets are his alone, however many times I explain it to her). Anyway, so I feel that her comment showed that she was essentially putting me in that inferior non-contributing box that she hated being in, rather than recognising that I am doing the best for my children, and that it is not one big holiday! It was definitely not meant in jest, I think in her mind I am now a lesser member of society as that is the attitude she had ingrained into her when she wasn't working.

YANBU. I think, also, people genuinely forget quite how hard it is when the children are tiny. Maybe it's evolution trying to entice us into having more children. Much as you don't remember the pain of childbirth, you forget how it felt to be so sleep deprived and tied to the relentlessness.

My mum drove me up the wall when I was pg with DC2 and signed off work with morning sickness and exhaustion. I'd just about kept it all together for the first 20 weeks then basically collapsed in a heap and had a few weeks off. My mum's helpful response was to point out that she had never had a day off work with morning sickess. Well no, she was a TEACHER who had 6 weeks of summer hols from 8-14 weeks, then gave up work from about 25 weeks, and she wasn't working at all when she was juggling pg and toddler. But all this was lost on her, she just wanted to 'prove' how superior she was and make me feel shitty about myself.

Sorry for the 'me me me'.